My 2016 As An INFLUENCER As Evidenced By My Presence On Tweet Round Ups
Tweet round-ups are like that day-after-the-party phone call with your aunt where she repeats the jokes she heard that night before. Media loves them because we are lazy fuckers who prefer tweeting to reporting. You could have three Pulitzers at home and your high school classmates are still most likely to post on your Facebook wall if they catch you in one of these round-ups. FUCK BYLINES, THEY’RE FOR LOSERS, RIGHT GUYS? JUST TWEET FOREVER AND ALWAYS, AMEN.
Alright, time to get down to business.
“Elle On Earth” was that rare journalistic masterpiece that brought the internet together in a brief moment to celebrate unabashed bitterness and scathing gossip. The author called the Met Gala that “insufferable annual ball at the Met”! Himself an “irreverent Robespierre”! Vanity Fair “ a giant bore”! At one point, he reflected, “Too often the fear instilled by mediocrity and incompetence, the two tits that nourish capitalistic societies,can only feed the beast if patterns and routines are kept as is.” IT WAS A WILD RIDE. I made this tweet about it, it was kinda good I guess, but it made the list because it is 100% true.
I watched the VMAs in the sense that I logged into Twitter and watched people react to it. Twas a modern day Allegory of the Cave. But even without seeing it, I could tell that people were picking on Drake and I couldn’t help but think about Jesus and the adulterous woman and how he was like, “Let he who is without thirst be the first to cast his tweet.” So I tweeted this and again, truth wins.
Bob Dylan won a raffle or something but he like, wasn’t at the carnival it happened at because he was also playing Oldchella, where my darling parents were reliving their youths. I was afraid he’d catch news of his new grill or timeshare discount or whatever and ruin his own set by hoisting himself on his own petard. Rude.
https://twitter.com/AlanaMassey/status/786579928393187328?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Just because you’re the tabloid owner villain from Spice World deadset on destroying Girl Power doesn’t mean you just get to hover on a bitch like this. I called this undead spooky stuff out and I’ve been part of the resistance ever since.
Look, I don’t care that Zayn dressed as the Borg but made it fashion at the Met Gala. I care about what his One Direction bandmates that he mercilessly abandoned think of it so I found this one, interviewed him about the incident, and posted to Twitter dot com, the website. It is called journalism.
It is not end-of-year festivities time until the worst tweets of the year come out. And this year, yours truly, her Horniness Alana Massey made the cut wit this tweet about how I think about Zayn Malik during clitorally focused masturbation. IN CASE IT WAS UNCLEAR FROM THIS PERFECT TWEET.
