Listen. Just close those two pink pieces of controllable skin stretched across your face, and listen. Oh, you don’t like someone’s idea at work, what to tell them why it won’t work? Hold your tongue, let them finish. You agree, and want to tell them about that time your dog also pooped on your boyfriend’s pillow? Keep your trap shut and F-ing wait!
There is very little that really grinds my gears, but the one thing that infuriates me beyond measure is when someone repeatedly interrupts me with no intention of listening to what I have to say. Here’s the deal, I listen, I sit and pay attention to each word always doing my best to ensure that the ear holes in my head take in each vibration of sound so that I fully understand the argument or story the person in front of me is trying to convey to me. By doing this I can then be sure that when it is time for me to respond, I’ll be able to put together a coherent, fully bodied response that is relevant to what was just told to me.
Listening is the most important skill one can master as an entrepreneur and leader, remember to always listen more than you talk, doing this will empower the words that flow out of your mouth.
“Being a good listener is absolutely critical to being a good leader; you have to listen to the people who are on the front line.” -Richard Branson
You’re wrong. No, not inherently, but here’s the deal, if you didn’t listen and fully take in what the other person said, you’re response to what they said will be off base and incorrect. If you interrupt and don’t allow the person to finish their point then it’s impossible for your response to be valid because you’ll be arguing against, or responding to a premise instead of a conclusion. No premise standing alone is, in and of itself, valid. Only with a conclusion attached can a premise be valid.
This is what we call Logic. Logic is like the math of language, it’s a way to construct formulas to decide if an argument is valid or not.
I’d expand on the idea, but want to keep this as short as possible since I know most people don’t read long articles. Here’s a resource if you’re interested in learning more, the design of the site is horrible, but the information is pretty spot on. http://www.philosophybasics.com/branch_logic.html
“The art of conversation lies in listening.” — Malcom Forbes
So how exactly do we go about listening more effectively, what are the benefits, and why should you even care?
Listening more effectively:
- Ask questions — For more on how to ask the right questions check out my post on #yesphx about it. https://medium.com/yesphx-stories/the-answer-to-life-is-42-but-what-is-the-question-to-life-76d495c133eb
- Actively listen — We do this by looking at the person talking, in the eyeballs, for 3 seconds at a time. After 3 seconds look away to makes person feel comfortable. Shake your head up and down to let them know you’re paying attention. The key here is to actually pay attention, don’t be off exploring other worlds in your head.
- Mmmhmm — Say things like mmhmm, yeah, I get it, or interesting. You’d be surprised how long you can carry on a conversation with those phrases.
- Mirror them — We like people like ourselves. Sit like them, match their breathing, or take a drink when they do. They won’t notice consciously, but subconsciously it will make them like you more, and will make them feel like you’re engaged with what they are saying.
The Benefits
- Improved relationships (personal and romantic) — All people want to be heard, taking interest in someone will improve your relationship with them because, let’s face it, most people just talk and don’t listen. So when someone listens we tend to feel so much better after talking to them. Imagine how much your relationship could improve if you let your significant other just talk to you for an hour and you only asked questions to HELP THEM get deeper into whatever it was they were dealing with.
- You become the best person to talk to in the room — You’ll find people telling you how much they enjoy talking with you, and how interesting conversation is with you. Sometimes this happens to me and I’ve said roughly 15 words the whole conversation. Other times I say more, don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to say, but I make sure its pointed, and relevant. This allows me to say so much more, while speaking less words. (I save some energy as well)
- Improved team cohesion — Your team will respect you insurmountably more when you listen to their problems, concerns, wins, and losses. This will make them feel like you care about them, and genuinely want to know their views, inevitably making them feel like they have an impact on what happens in the business. Again, people just want to be heard.
- Increased sales — Clients or customers want to be heard too. They are not always right, but you must hear them out, and make it clear to them why what they are saying is right or wrong. By doing this you can solve a lot of problems before the happen, or become worse. Also, when you’re in a sales process, knowing exactly what the customer wants is your best tool to winning them over and giving them exactly that. Don’t think you sell? You do. You sell yourself every time you walk out of your house and speak to someone. Why should someone stay in a conversation with you? There are billions of people to engage with, and you’ve got to make a case as to why it should be you at that very moment. (Hint: If you listen and offer to help, that gives you a tremendous advantage.)
So just put your phone down when you’re with others and pay attention to them. The message can wait, it’s a message, the person on the other side can go without your response for 30 minutes (usually).
Conversation is all about give and take, arriving at a balance. It’s difficult to accomplish because we have, for the most part, been taught wrong. However, I do believe that if we talk less, and listen more our lives, the lives our loved ones, and the business we run and work for will be, in the end, drastically improved.
