“I wished that he would die. I felt so guilty, and so awful for having those feelings until my son gave me this advice”
A caregiver asked: “My husband has late-stage Alzheimer’s disease. Recently, I have found myself at times stopping and thinking to myself ‘I wish he would die already’. Am I a bad person for thinking this?”
First of all, no one can tell a caregiver or someone who is going through this horrible disease that anything that they are doing is right or wrong. The person who is doing the caregiving makes those decisions what is right and wrong.
I understand where this question is coming from as I also struggled tremendously when I would get those thoughts and I would say “God please take him, I wish he would die.” Then I would say to myself “how can such words come out of the mouth of someone who has loved this man for 42 years, how is that possible.”
I struggled with that question all the time.
And then finally, one of my children said to me “Those are not horrible and awful words or horrible and awful thoughts, those are loving thoughts. Loving thoughts because you can’t stand to see him continue to suffer the way he is. Loving thoughts because you can’t stand the quality of life he that doesn’t have. And loving thoughts because you know that when he passes from this world, he will be — as cliched as it sounds — in a much better place.”
“Those are not horrible and awful words or horrible and awful thoughts, those are loving thoughts.”
That really helps me tremendously because I did want my husband to die. I prayed that he would. I wished that he would die. I felt so guilty, and so awful for having those feelings until my son gave me that advice and that was the best advice, the best words I could have heard because that helped to realize “Yes, that’s true. I am having these thoughts because I love him so much. I can’t bear seeing him suffer like he is.”
Margaret was a caregiver for her husband with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease for 10 years. She is sharing her experiences so that other Alzheimer’s caregivers can find the support and help she wished she had.
You can also read this story on the Yeva website here: http://www.yeva.co/s/@margarets/feel-bad-for-wanting-him-to-die
