The Start of Exploring Personal Values Together
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The Idea
Last winter, I had several longer flights, and challenged myself during this time to read a book gifted to me two months prior, Dare to Lead by Brené Brown. I had engaged with several ideas discussed in some of Brown’s books, but had not read one of them myself. Dare to Lead encapsulates all of the trends Brown noted over the last seven years while working with hundreds of leaders as a part of her training programs. I view it as a bit of a “Best of” book, that captures many of the major points from her other books, including Daring Greatly and Rising Strong. I was excited to dive in.
I am personally a big fan of introspection. I enjoy taking the time to ask myself tough questions, explore the motivations behind my decisions, and evaluate my reactions to new ideas. I enjoy taking any new insights from these moments of reflection and using them to reinvigorate my efforts at work or in my personal life. I can then make a change in my mentality or behavior to become a better person or increase my impact.
As you can imagine, I really enjoyed Dare to Lead. Some legs of my travels during the holidays were upwards of 5 hours, but I found myself reading and reflecting over the contents of the book for the majority of that time. It’s crazy to think that I enjoyed a “self-help” book for five hours straight, but Brown does a great job of presenting novel concepts in a way that is easy to understand and entertaining to read. I quickly realized that there were too many good things in the book to keep it all in my head. I pulled out a notebook and started capturing quotes, “good ideas” and “dive deeper” topics for me to pursue later on. Taking notes gave me something to refer back to, while also helping me internalize the ideas I was reading.
As I wrapped up the book, I started looking back over my notes and reviewing the to-dos I left for myself. One thought that I was very excited about was taking the Values exercise that Brown walks through near the end of the book, and asking our Consulting Design team to go through that exercise, sharing the results with each other. I felt that our team could really benefit from an opportunity to get introspective, and share our insights with each other to build trust and remain curious about each other. I began piecing together what this group activity might look like, being mindful that it won’t be easy for myself or others to put a magnifying glass up to themselves and their decisions, and then stand up in front of the group and share what they saw; proclaim who they are. I knew it would be more difficult for some than others, but overall, I was very excited to get started.
The Activity
At a high level, the Values exercise tasks each of us with asking ourselves what drives our decision making. Using introspection and self-questioning, each of us captures our drive and motivations in two singular values. We each made sure that our chosen values define us at our best, but don’t feel aspirational, and are a true definition of who we are now. After choosing our values, Brown has us take them from “BS to behaviors.” By defining the behaviors that capture us living in our values, we can better work to practice what we preach, and keep our values from being a “cat poster”: some motivational thing we tell ourselves but never put into action. Along with positive behaviors, we define “slippery behaviors,” which are moments where we find ourselves living outside of our values. By highlighting these actions, we acknowledge that we aren’t perfect, and identify symptoms of us moving away from our values, crucial signals that we need to pause and re-assess our decision-making. Lastly, the activity walks through selecting who is supporting us as we work to live these values, and what our supporters can do to help us. This step is so crucial because it creates accountability, and sharing our values with someone gives the words we choose more power.
To kick off this activity with the team, I pulled everyone together for fifteen minutes to give context and get buy in. I kept my energy high as I gave an overview of what the activity would entail. Not only was I genuinely excited, but I wanted to get others excited as well. I verbalized that this activity wouldn’t be easy, and that sharing at the end may be the hardest part. I also warned that although the reading was short, the activity required a few hours of thought to arrive at values and behaviors that truly reflected you. To wrap up the meeting, I asked everyone to agree to commit to taking this activity seriously and be prepared for the follow-up. Although I sensed some resistance in the group, everyone gave me a verbal “yes” when prompted, and we were ready to go! I sent the reading out to everyone later that day.
A week later, the team reconvened for a 90 minute meeting to share our results with each other. I encouraged everyone to come with notes, so they weren’t trying to recall all the details in the moment. On a whiteboard, I drew a large grid with a column for each of our names and rows for values, positive and slippery behaviors, and supporters. At the beginning of the meeting, I reviewed the agenda for the meeting, and reminded everyone that this is not an easy thing to do. I thanked everyone for going through the exercise before the meeting, and coming prepared to be vulnerable. I also established the room as a safe space, where we respect each other’s willingness to share, and should respect whoever is presenting.
To start sharing, I went up to the board, wrote my name, and my two values. I then gave some color as to why I chose my values, and what other words I wrestled with. Before diving into my behaviors, I sat down, and let everyone else get the opportunity to share their values. To help us internalize each other’s values, I wanted to require each of us to go up to the board multiple times. No one can go up, run through all of their results, and then sit down and we never think about their values again. By getting this repeated exposure, I was able to remember everyone’s values later that day, to a month later, and beyond.
After everyone’s values were on the board, we then each took a turn to talk about one positive or slippery behavior for each of our values. We each elaborated on why these behaviors were tied to our values, and why they were important for us to share. Lastly, we shared who our primary supporters were, and what their support looked like. At the end of this sharing, we had a whiteboard full of thoughtful self-reflection that each person arrived at through the reading and exercise.
To wrap up the exercise, we added on an affirming activity which Brown mentioned off-hand later in her book. We took ten minutes of quiet time to write on post-its one thing we appreciate about each member of the team. We then each wrote our name and values on individual sheets of printer paper. One person passed their sheet around the table. Each person stuck their post-it to the paper, and shared their message, detailing how that aspect of the team member relates to one or both of their values. This last activity gave each of us the opportunity to discuss each person’s values, and left each member of the team walking out of the meeting with one page of positive characteristics that supports each member’s values.
Next Time
Now that you know the activities we worked through together, I’m sure you’re curious what some of our values were, and what kind of insights we extracted from them. This article is running long though, so we will pick things back up next time! I’ll be revealing the team’s values and walk you through some of the reasoning and behaviors associated with my values. I’ll also talk through some of what I gleaned from the activity, and how it has impacted our interactions in the office and my life outside of it.
