Where is the ‘reset’ button on my teenager?

living yoga while mothering teens makes me feel like a joke

I am a yoga teacher and have been doing yoga for 18 years. It’s my life and way to calm myself, bringing my mind, body and spirit to a state of peace. I am Bliss after yoga and often times go twice a day. But, I cannot figure out how to seduce teens into that happy space where they learn how to overcome anger and replace it with patience.

I am a laughing stock living yoga (while wearing my mother-of-teens hat). It is kind of a joke.

I smile though all the same.

You know how an old PC—I’m a Mac person now—spins out of control, windows opening, opening, opening, opening and piling up on top of each other faster than you can click the Close button? That is my teenager.

Actually, I have three teenagers. We all live together. Luckily, they normally take turns on who will be overthrown by their chaotic moment. In other words, we usually only need to deal with one episode at a time. I have a friend who recently put her cottage up for rent; I dreamed of it being the perfect teen annex for me to put someone who was misbehaving or needed a reward. A special place, yet still a deterrent to be removed from the home space.

Each teen is different. Girl vs. boy. Firstborn vs. lastborn. Leo vs. Libra. The ability to reset the mind and body to a state of peace—although worse for a hormonal teen—is definitely unique to each person.

As soon as I think I’ve figured it out, I wallow in wonder of how to enact my Plan B when Plan A didn’t work, waiting anxiously for the result. Here are some of my attempts:

1. Yelling “STOP! I’m not listening to your abusive words anymore!” Silent treatment, and often times all is well after an hour. However, I am then angry with an elevated heartbeat for hours past the hour. I end up not doing my paid work, and roam on social media instead, go to yoga again, or drink some wine.
2. Saying “Really? Ok, I can always delay the driver’s license day.” Happy attitude ensues—as if nothing happened—about 5 minutes later (boy). Locks herself in room, and texts me continuously for hours telling me what a horrible mom I am and that I should be ashamed at my skills (girl); this gets brought up again periodically for at least 2 years.
3. Saying “Let me know when you are done with your temper tantrum.” This causes an even worse temper tantrum, followed by complete denial that I have any idea what a 2-year-old acts like, or that I know when someone needs to get back in their crib and take a nap.
4. Descending to my room with laptop to lock door (for hours), not responding to anyone’s knocks. This serves my soul and leaves me feeling peaceful and alone (a good thing), but creates a bad aftereffect—one of the teens returns the favor by mimicking me within a few days. When they do it, it also includes telling all of their friends what a bad mom I am, how they don’t have any food (because they won’t go upstairs to get it), how their mom doesn’t buy shampoo (because they won’t leave their room to take a shower), etc.
5. Entering teen’s locked room (after multiple hours have passed) with a screwdriver to take the doorknob off. I do this silently with teen watching onward—sometimes ranting—and leave with doorknob and parts in a little ziploc bag. <Silence>. All is well. This episode comes up in therapy and I get called in for a “parent meeting” for a discussion on my own childhood.
6. Saying “Remember who owns the car.” Teen drives off anyway, leaving the house through the bathroom window, and texts me later that she is having a sleepover at a friend’s house. I make plans to sell the car or have it towed to a new location, or to have teen go live elsewhere. By morning, we are best friends again. (And the car keys have magically disappeared from my hiding place).
7. Saying “Ok, fine, do whatever you want” (boy’s advice to me for girls). I, the parent, usually cannot withhold this stance for long, even if I do 2-3 yoga classes per day. I need wine to get through it and eventually go in to try to talk to girl1 or girl2 (not to be confused with thing1 and thing2).
8. Putting on headphones (the extra big puffy kind), music blaring in a cloud surrounding my head. Teen arms waving fiercely in front of my face. I point to my computer and bob my head to the music. Eventually when the room clears out, and time goes by, I go down to my room and realize that a piece of clothing is missing from my closet. I have recently installed a lock on my closet door (but now I need to make sure I fold and put away my clothes immediately after doing laundry so this has created another job for me).
9. Signing on to Verizon and using the parental controls to limit text-messaging privileges. I wait silently in the shadows. Next day after school, when it’s convenient to text my teen, I realize her phone is shut off. No responses. I have no idea where she is or when she’ll be home. Nothing. It gets dark. She is still not home.
10. Cheerfully saying, “Come for a hike with me. Let’s go right now. ☺” Answer: No Thanks.
11. Saying “Let’s do yoga together.” Since they are so over the fact that I love yoga, I get no response whatsoever relating to my helping them calm themselves by doing yoga. The deal is: they do not want to see my face or hear my voice, period, in that moment. I don’t use this one anymore.
12. Cooking a favorite meal. Depending on the teen who is mad, I attempt to make the favorite food, with no plans to sit with teen while eating. The idea is to leave it on the stove with a smiley-face. Boy would rather starve and just go to bed and not eat it (so I put it in the frig and reserve it for breakfast, unless girl1 or girl2 eats it in the night). Girls will serve up a plate, and give me a dirty look while walking with full plate to room—talking to the cats along the way about how cute they are. Later, there is happiness. Often times the emotional mood is induced by lack of food for 2 of the 3 of them; but while hungry, my suggestion about hunger gets met with “I can take care of myself, oh my god, you have no idea, I’m fine. I don’t want any food.”
13. Nicely doing the teen’s laundry, including folding it in a basket and bringing to room. I am met with a happy smile and thank you. Hmm.. this seems to work every time but I’m not a house-slave.
14. Transferring money from the teen’s bank account. I would only do this if the argument was induced by something they did wrong that caused me to pay, and they are ungrateful. The teen usually steals something of mine to get me back—it creates fear that I need to hide my precious stuff like computer, iPhone, car keys, shampoo, etc. I don’t like to live in fear.
15. Hide the Xbox controller when teen’s teacher emails me about missing homework. This only worked the first time. Now he hides the controller in a place that only he knows about. He also disconnects the entire Xbox from its setup, and hides it well (or brings it with him) before leaving the house. As a side note: he has had good grades ever since. I guess it worked.
16. Agreeing with everything teen says—everything. The effect of this depends on the inflection in my voice. If I’m speaking as if one of their friends, then they allow me to keep speaking—while they continue to spin. If I’m sounding impatient “Yes, you’re right. I know, you’re absolutely right. Definitely. Yes.” then apparently it’s patronizing and I get told “Be quiet” or “You have no idea what you’re saying.” This evolves into their telling me that the only reason they are mad is because I keep talking, and don’t I get this?
17. Going into teen’s room, unannounced, to hug and say “I love you no matter what”. It’s a toss up on the reaction. Sometimes I have to fight my way into the hug. I still think this is the best one. However, sometimes the deal is (as said in #11). At least they hear me and know my top priority even though I am so annoying. Love rules.
18. Laughing out loud with the biggest smile saying, “I know I am so annoying. Some day you will know I’m the coolest mom.” Blank stare. Stomp down to room. Slam door. [This means they know I’m right.]

In the spirit of humor, yoga and taking life as it comes, I wouldn’t have done it any other way if I had the chance. They are my babies. They are awesome…

I am writing this as therapy for myself mainly.

We often put on the videos I took when they were little—especially the ones where I interviewed them and they tell the camera their greatest inventions and viewpoints on life. They always tell me how awesome I am too. They are epic babies and teens too.

Teenagers just need to be reset (a.k.a. chill out) in the same way a computer needs to be rebooted. It’s more than practicing a holistic lifestyle or homeopathic parenting. They need immediate help in those moments.

Humor works best. Yoga doesn’t (well, it only works for me, the parent).