My Marijuana Addiction

I vividly remember the build up to the first time I smoked. I was on the balcony with one of my middle school friends and we both talked about how we wanted to try it. We had all ready messed around with Alcohol, an experience that brought me to the ER room, and were ready to dip our toes into something else. The cool kids in our grade were doing it, and I wanted to fit in. I also felt like a piece of me was missing and was hoping that weed might be that missing link. I some how invited my self to one of the cool kids house and before I knew it, was in a back field smoking some grass out of a nice glass pipe. I did not get high that time but I pretended too. Flash forward to a few months later and it was homecoming week. My cool friend had an older brother that was in 11th grade at the time, and his parents allowed him to throw a homecoming party, with kegs and all the other essentials. I smoked again that night, and got high for the first time. I still remember looking at the grass lining the drive way and all of a sudden feeling as though i was looking through a kaleidoscope. I felt free. I felt happy. I felt high. It didn't take long for it to become an every weekend thing. My life almost instantaneously became about getting bud and getting high. Monday morning all I could think about was Friday! I started pulling 20’s out of my moms purse no problem. The only people I wanted to hang out with were those that would spark it up. My morals went down the gutter. My life had no purpose. I started getting in a lot of trouble and lost interest in life in general. Fast forward a few years and I got kidnapped out of the my room in the middle of the night and sent to a level 5 lock down facility in Jamaica, which has since been shutdown because they where torturing kids there. While I was there I stayed sober and got to look at how crazy my life had become. When I got out I stayed sober for a few months. I didn't have any support around me and one New Years Night, all alone, I smoked again. Little by little my life deteriorated really quick. I didn't stop at smoking this time. I started to drink and take other drugs. I quickly became addicted to the combination of alcohol and xanax. Years of my life wasted away. Consequence after consequence. Hospitalization and incarcerations. Finally I was willing to give up xanax. I went to treatment and never picked it up again. I still choose to keep drinking and smoking. Then the Alchol destroyed my life even more than I thought possible, so i finally gave up drinking. I have continued to smoke ever since. I was able to rationalize smoking so easily. Consequences are so minimal compared to those of “harder” substances. Is it not a medicine, I would tell myself. I believe it is and can help many people. But can medicine not be abused? Ive been practicing Yoga for a few years now and recently have really dove into my Sadhna, spiritual practice. It has brought a lot of self realization and reflection. I can only speak for myself. I really believe that I have been using weed as a crutch ever since the first time I used it. My life is pretty sweet. Im a “successful” entrepreneur and have all my needs covered in abundance. So why stop? Im tired of pushing mute on all of my problems and feelings. Im tired of feeling deep down inside like I could do better. Im tired of preaching non attachment but clearly being so attached to something. Im tired of being a hypocrite. Im tired of selling myself and loved ones short. I wanna be the best version of myself just for the sake of it. I want to make myself proud. Ive been clean for a week. My journey into drugs began with weed and has hopefully come to an end with it as well. Compared to detoxing from xanax and alcohol my symptoms are not nearly as brutal. I did sweat Lakes my first few nights and I am very moody and sensitive. Writing this has me feeling really good. Thanks for taking the time to read. ❤