Falling back into depression
Many times I can find myself falling back into a depressive state of mind. Yes I am the Creator of YANA (You Are Not Alone) and yes I should be trying to encourage others to recover from their mental health condition and provide support but this is the thing with mental health, it affects us all.
Often the reason why I sometimes end up feeling depressed again, even though I mentioned in my video about my story that I overcame it, is because so many times I reflect upon my life, I am nowhere near to where I want to be nor where I should be in life. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish but all these dreams and goals just seem so unreachable. Sometimes it’s easy to just give up — even questioning my existence at times.
What keeps me going is the encouragement from my very close friends and remembering my WHY (why I should still carry on and why I am doing what I am doing, why am I doing YANA, why am I planning on going back to Uni) and my WHO (who am I trying to help — my family, people suffering in silence from a mental health condition, those living in poverty, the next generation after me… ).
It’s hard constantly feeling stuck somewhere you do not want to be and can’t be where you really want to be. I do not want to continue working in retail, many times I dread coming to work and feel depressed just being there or knowing I am going somewhere doing work I dislike. When I know deep down where I really want to be — working in marketing, whether it be for an agency or a brand, etc. Getting even an internship has been a immense challenge for me, with many companies wanting the intern to be currently an undergraduate studying a related course or a graduate with a degree in that field — which I do not have. All I have is a website with a portfolio of my work, my determination and my hard working drive to learn more, develop more skills and to be the best at what I do. However, for many internship employers it’s simply not enough.
I just want an internship with an agency or company even for 1 month at least and to be able to just learn so much. I feel there is so much more I can learn within such organisation and I can leave with invaluable skills to start a career in marketing, all I need is a chance, an opportunity which I still continue to pursue. I guess everything just takes time and perseverance.
As I write this I have just finished applying to about 80 internships and this is a daily occurrence; everyday I apply to whatever marketing internships I see. I have even applied to some that clearly requires graduates but I continue to give my best shot as you never know that opportunity and taking that risk of applying anyway may pay off and if it doesn’t, I haven’t lost out I’m still where I am unfortunately.
I have gone off on a tangent here, but to draw back to the issue. Things like not being able to get an internship in something you love is fxcking depressing — spending months and months searching and applying and not getting anywhere. It’s like you are stuck in the same shit and I end up feeling depressed again. I just want to progress and start getting on track to accomplishing the things I want to achieve. I’m tired of being stagnant.
Maybe there is much more I can do? But what exactly? I do not know what else I can do or even where to start. I just do not know.
I’m just tired of feeling like this sometimes.