Sun rises again
5… 4… 3… 2… 1… The show is on and broadcasted live from Beirut, Lebanon.
“Good morning, good morning to all of you joining us today. It is a beautiful morning indeed. The weather is great in our city Beirut. I am Adam and I will accompany you in the next 3 hours”.
A pause. A song playing in the background…
“Let me share with you how I started my day. I woke up before the alarm, jumped out of bed and hit the shower”.
He was not telling the truth… He pressed the snooze button 5 times before he hit the shower; deep down inside he hoped to stay in bed.
“I then dressed up and had my favorite breakfast: omelette with asparagus and fresh mushrooms. I gathered the asparagus during my hiking trip on Sunday where I explored Baskinta. Did you know that Baskinta is called the House of Serenity? because you feel peaceful when you visit it. As you know, Baskinta is the hometown of Mikhail Neaimy. Sunday was an amazing day; it will always remain memorable. I would definitely recommend that you visit Baskinta, especially in this beautiful weather. You can also harvest some cherries and enjoy their yummy taste”.
Omelette with asparagus and fresh mushrooms was his favorite breakfast indeed, a breakfast he could not have today, because he was running late. He did not go on a hike on Sunday.
“And now here I am, so looking forward for today’s episode. I cannot wait to hear from you. How did you start your day? You can send us text messages, voice notes, or you can call us on our number. You already know it, but I will repeat it…”
A pause. A song playing in the background…
The phone rejoiced as hundreds of messages were received. People excited to greet their host and to talk about their day so far. People of Baskinta were at a different level, hyped up and super excited. They could not hide their excitement that their favorite radio host visited their village, although they reproached him for not telling them beforehand to meet him in person. They were proud of their village, taking the opportunity to share more touristic attractions and invite all those who are listening for a visit.
He checked the phone and opened the messages and voice notes received. His voice portrayed the enthusiasm and excitement of a 5 year old opening his birthday gifts. He read some messages aloud, apologizing in advance if he was not able to go through all the messages because there were hundreds. He laughed at some, and his laughter was contagious, others joined him from their cars or homes. He was compassionate with those who had a rough start and wished their day would change for the better.
Another pause. A song playing in the background…
“Today is the World Day for Physical Activity. There are many benefits of exercising and having an active lifestyle. I hope it triggers you to make decisions to improve your health and well-being and to build healthy habits.”
Another pause. A song playing in the background…
“We promise you a great episode today, something extraordinary, similar to our daily shows and a bit spiced up. We have several topics aligned and many guests. Stay tuned in, and share with us your ideas.”
Another pause. A song playing in the background…
The morning show continued with the same intensity for the next three hours. He maneuvered from one section to the other with an unwavering energy and a voice that echoed in the whole studio, spreading positivity through every radio. During the breaks, he did not stay still, he walked around the studio, stretching his legs and contemplating what to say next. He did not need the walk to plan his next words. With him, words flowed naturally without any effort. He was a witty person with quick and funny responses. His name came among the top names when someone wanted to describe professionalism.
Time flew by and it was another extraordinary episode. There were many requests from the listeners to extend the show for an extra time. He was the source of entertainment for listeners in their cars or at home, a cushion to relieve the stress from all the economic and political turmoil that Lebanon was passing through. Some listeners connected with him from the workplace; they always joked that they will be fired if their managers know.
“I apologize; I won’t be able to stay any longer. The guys here in the studio want me out to prepare for the next show. To make it up for you, I will play one more song.”
“I wish you a magical day and I hope you spend it well and in good health. Thank you for joining and for all the messages you sent. Since today coincides with World Day for Physical Activity, I challenge you to be active. Hit the gym, go for a walk, play your favorite sports… and share with me tomorrow the activities you did and the number of calories burnt.”
“I will do the same, I will head to the gym to burn some fat and then I am so excited to go see an old friend.”
Excitement is an overstatement. He has postponed this meeting three times so far. He was embarrassed to reschedule it. He was praying that his friend would have a last-minute change of plans.
“Wishing you health and well-being, and I will connect with you again tomorrow.” The staff in the studio clapped. It was a ritual after each episode. He took a deep breath, allowing himself to relax a bit. Even after hosting the show for 2 years, he still felt nervous. He was a perfectionist by nature.
He went to the kitchen to prepare his third cup of coffee. He forgot how hungry he was, he must be really hungry after hosting a show for three hours, knowing him and all the energy he puts into the shows. He devoured a mankosha, savoring each bite.
He went back into the studio to prepare for tomorrow’s episode. He has an assistant; she is very knowledgeable and capable and can prepare on his behalf. However, he never leaves it for her completely because he likes to attend to all the details himself.
Or it is his way of fully occupying his day. He hated to go back home.
He reallocated his energy to the preparation of tomorrow’s show. He shifted from one topic to another, looking for scoops. His listeners would be waiting for him tomorrow; he hated to disappoint them and had an image to maintain. It was not by chance that his show achieved the highest ratings.
His eyes scanned the social media accounts and the news, focusing on hot topics. A new achievement in the medical field… a new hit song… A successful venture… A new business concept… A social case…
He made a few phone calls for possible guest speakers in tomorrow’s episode. He was engrossed in preparing the agenda and finalizing the timeline of the topics, when he heard his phone vibrating. He dreaded the call when he saw the caller ID.
“Hiiiiii… how are you? So we are still on tonight?”
Hoping for a NO… Praying for a NO!
That’s great, see you at 8 then!
Trying to sound excited. Hoping that his voice did not betray him…
He did a final round of calls, confirming with the guests and informing them of the time they would go live on the show. Pleased with the outcome, an inconspicuous smile formed on his lips. He called it for the day saying goodbye to everyone and hitting the gym.
The gym. His safe zone. His only time to disconnect. The only time when he can give his mind a break, when he can stop thoughts from bombarding it relentlessly, when he can give it the privilege of a temporary rest. Rest from everything. He exposes his body to an intense workout. To all those watching him train, it would seem as though he was punishing himself. They would imagine his muscles screaming from excruciating pain and his heart pounding relentlessly against his chest. He did not care, he continued with music blasting in his ears.
The clock struck midnight when he returned home. He did not make it to his room; he collapsed on the couch, a warning sign that his body reached the ultimate level of exhaustion and fatigue. He attempted to go to his room to sleep in his comfortable bed; however, his body refused to support. He surrendered, closing his eyes and drifting into deep sleep.
Sleep that did not last long to quench his drained body. His mind awakened him, and he was hit by a heartache.
He missed her so much.
He planned carefully his days, making sure to occupy every second with lots of work and activities, not to think of her.
She dominated his thoughts.
He exhausted his body to be able to sleep at night.
That never worked.
He made sure not to meet her friends or common friends to try to forget her.
He missed her even more.
He even stopped celebrating his birthday because she no longer celebrates it with him.
He missed her doubly if not more on that day.
He never re-lived their memories to try to adapt to his new life.
It was all in vain, he missed her more and more, day after day.
It was not only that he missed her; his longing feelings grew stronger day after day. He was a passenger in this life, passively surviving the days going through the same routine alone. He insisted on living the same routine, because he feared that anything new might stimulate him to think of her more. Not that it mattered; she already occupied all his thoughts.
Nothing he did brought joy to his traumatized soul. None of his achievements, although they were many, sufficed to repair his shattered heart.
He tossed and fumbled on the couch, trying to go back to sleep. His mind began to wander to their memories together and refused to go back to sleep. Trying to distract his brain, he left the couch, went to his room, and changed to his pyjama. He raided his bed, yearning for coziness and comfort hoping to extinguish the heartache that struck him. He tried every position and posture: he removed the blanket, he put the blanket back on, he laid on his back, he laid on his stomach, with a pillow, without a pillow, slept on the side… unfortunately nothing worked. Two hours passed by when he was convinced to stop trying. He knew that he was up for a long night.
He took his phone. He was not in the mood for scrolling through social media. He opened his contact list instead and contemplated the names, checking them one by one. He felt the urge to speak to someone. He hesitated…
The only person he wants to speak to is she, but he cannot.
He took her blanket and headed to her rocking chair. He embraced himself with it and imagined that she was hugging him. He was upset that the blanket did not smell of her anymore; he never washed it after she made her decision to leave. He prayed God for sanity, he asked God to help him get through the night.
Sunrays sneaked through the window lighting up the room. The rays landed on his face, caressing it gently, heralding of a new day. Away he turned his face, trying to look for a dark spot to continue his sleep. Then, suddenly he was aware that it is a new day. His mind screamed “STUDIO”… “SHOW”… “LIVE”.
He reached out for his phone and sprang out of the rocking chair into the bathroom. It is one of those days when he will not be able to shower or have breakfast, it is one of the days when he has to fly to the studio to make it on time. There was no time to panic. He has to run.
Nervousness dominated the studio, he did not show up yet and the crew began to worry. Staff was panicking, running into each other, with chaos spreading in the studio. Everything was ready except the host.
The commotion in the studio came to halt when he entered. Innocent smiles were plastered on their faces, as they tried to hide the dance moves that they were doing internally. Thankfully, he was just on time. The sound engineer, Liam, who accompanied Adam in all his shows, looked in awe, appalled by his appearance. He was closer to him than others, and he mustered the courage and asked, “Are you ok?”
“Yes yes, don’t worry. I returned home late. A cup of coffee will energize me”.
Liam was doubtful, however nothing could be done in the meantime. A surplus of coffee should do the trick.
5… 4… 3… 2… 1… The show is on and broadcasted live from Beirut, Lebanon.
“Good morning, good morning to all of you joining us today. It is a beautiful morning indeed.. . I am Adam and I will accompany you in the next 3 hours”
A pause. A song playing in the background…
“Do you remember yesterday’s challenge? I am waiting to receive your messages about the sports activity you did yesterday and the calories burnt”.
A pause. A song playing in the background…
Messages flooded the phone. He opened and shared them, and the show was rolling. The voice radiating from the radio was dissociated from his physical appearance as if it belonged to another person. Listeners were oblivious to his emotional state of mind. He drank more coffee and massaged his forehead to relieve the headache.
“Our time together is coming to an end, unfortunately.”
Thankfully…
“I hope you enjoyed today’s show and tune in tomorrow at the same time for another entertaining episode. Wishing you a great day ahead. Stay positive and do not lose hope. It is your call to make the change and difference you want to see in the world. Things will get better in the end; if they do not then it is not in the end. Goodbye, I will leave you with one last song.”
This last song was for her.
He rubbed his forehead one last time. He was debating if he should prepare tomorrow’s episode or go home and rest. Liam brought him a cup of fresh orange juice with a sandwich and some medication. He looked at him appreciatively and stayed in the broadcast room hoping to regain his strength. Liam asked, “Are you ok? Do you want to talk?”
He nodded his head; Liam understood and left him alone. He needed solitude and some time to recollect himself.
He headed to the kitchen to have another cup of coffee and a small bite. He positioned himself next to the counter and grabbed a croissant. He had no appetite for anything and was forcing food down his throat, feeling the bites descend as bolts of fire into his stomach. He made a cup of tea with mint, hoping that it will help him swallow and digest the food.
Other staff joined him in the kitchen. They gathered around the table and started nibbling croissants. The kitchen buzzed with conversations and laughter.
They talked about the situation in Lebanon. The dollar rate increase was beyond logic and comprehension. Prices have skyrocketed. One staff mentioned that she paid $100 in the supermarket for two bags that she carried to the car. The bags included only cleaning supplies and a few snacks for the kids. They joked that they can no longer take their kids to the supermarket to avoid chocolate and potato chips cravings.
They talked about the plans for the weekend…
“Adam, what plans do you have for the weekend? You are so creative, and you always have the perfect plan. You always do fun activities.”
“Well, I saw the weather forecast and we are lucky to have beautiful weather all throughout the weekend. Finally, the sun will rise above the the dark clouds, and its rays will radiate and brighten the whole sky. I am planning to go to Faraya in the morning for skiing and then will hit the beach for a swim.” There is a famous saying in Lebanon typically in this weather: you can ski in the morning and sunbathe in the afternoon.
“Wow, it is a great idea. Hope you enjoy it and you can tell us all about it in Monday’s morning show.”
This was definitely not his plan for the weekend.
“Anna, did you find a dress for your friend’s wedding?”
“Well no, not yet. Imagine that she wants us to wear a long pink dress. How will I wear a long dress? Long dresses are not made for short people, and I am not only short, I am also fat.”
The staff exploded with laughter.
“I will look really like Cinderella’s ugly sisters. I was counting on this wedding to meet my future husband.”
Another outburst of laughter.
Anna was known for her sense of humor; she could make anyone laugh. Everyone except him, especially today.
He felt a constriction in his heart.
She came to his mind. They were sitting in the office. She was complaining that she could not find a dress, a long dress for her friend’s wedding. She never wore long dresses; simply because long dresses are not made for short people. He laughed so hard. He tried to tell her that she looked beautiful regardless of what she wore. She refused to listen. He was not surprised to see her in a short pink dress at the wedding, the only bridesmaid with a short dress. He knew her really well, a rebel by configuration. He laughed so hard at her and teased her the whole night. The bride was giving her “the looks” as if she ruined the wedding and tried to exclude her from some of the pictures.
He missed her so much.
Suddenly, he felt shortness of breath. He excused himself to get some fresh air. He felt blocked, so he disregarded the idea of working on tomorrow’s show. He thought about going home to rest a bit and then returning to prepare.
He heard the voice of his manager. “Adam, I was looking all over for you. Can you join me in the office? I need to speak to you.”
He followed his manager to the office, overwhelmed with thoughts.
Was today’s show a disaster? Did I create a mess? Did he recognize my disheveled state? For sure, he will be asked to defend himself. So he started to prepare some responses. He has to sound convincing.
The trip to the office was very short. He did not get the chance to collect his thoughts.
“So, Adam how are you doing?”
Is this a trick question? What should I answer?
“Regarding what Mr. Joe?”
“In general, in life and at work.”
Why can’t he give me a direct answer? Why should we go around each other in circles? Focus on concise answers, the shorter the better.
“All is well”.
“That’s great.”
A pause. Silence. It was only for few seconds; for him it was an eternity.
His manager lost hope of getting more out of him. He knew him really well. Most days he was silent, you need to pull out words from his mouth. “So, Adam I was listening to your show today…
Ooopssss…. Of all the days, he chose today to listen to this episode… He clasped his hands together and waited for the next words. Stay calm, you can find another job.
“And it was fun and entertaining. I applaud you for the topics you tackled, your interaction with the listeners, the interviews with the guests, and the songs you played.”
He felt his lungs exhale all the air that was trapped in his body. He allowed himself to relax a bit.
“Thank you Mr. Joe.”
“I am proud of you Adam. But, this is not the only reason I called you to my office today. You see, the Future Leaders School is holding an event for grade 12 students. They want them to meet inspirational people and learn about their journey of success.”
“This is a great initiative.”
Not that he cared…
“It is indeed. It is important for those adolescents to get in touch with role models for proper guidance and inspiration. So, the school contacted us, and they asked if you could be one of the guests at the event. Teachers in the school suggested your name. Apparently, they are number one fans of your show. They are confident that you will be of great added value to the event and can provide the students with words of wisdom and motivate them to lead bright futures.”
No… No … No… the last thing he wants is exposure.
“This is a great opportunity Mr. Joe. Unfortunately, I am busy in the upcoming period and I was planning to request a leave. I am planning to travel to Georgia, it has always been on my bucket list. I hope you can excuse me from attending the event. Without any doubt, any one of my colleagues can handle this event superbly. They are all marvelous radio hosts and eloquent speakers. Again, thank you for considering me, there will be other opportunities that I can fulfill for sure.”
A full-size grin formed on Mr. Joe’s face, exposing his wisdom teeth. “But I already told them that you will do.”
“But Mr. Joe let me …”
“No excuses. The date of the event is May 5. I already gave them your number and they will contact you to provide you with all the details. Lucky you, you do not need to prepare for the event, you are a natural speaker. However, it would be helpful to learn more about those students, and the problems they face, so that you can address them during your talk. I am sure that it will be a successful event and you will make us proud.” Mr. Joe stood up indicating that the meeting had ended. He shook Adam’s hand, squeezing it tightly, transmitting the amount of trust and respect he has for Adam.
Adam could not believe what had just happened. He left the office flabbergasted with anxiety circulating in his body. He did not know what to do. He needed to think of a quick solution to get out of this event. He hoped for a miracle: appendicitis… cholecystitis… kidney stones… urinary tract infection… pneumonia… any condition that required a sick leave; he didn’t mind if it deemed a hospital admission.
On top of that, he had an episode to prepare for tomorrow. Feeling helpless and blocked, he decided to delegate some tasks to his assistant. He will have to come back in few hours to sort everything out. At that moment, he was certain that he could not stay for one more minute in the studio.
He made sure to return before the staff left, only because staying alone would make him think of her.
He missed her so much.
He was going out with some of his friends. His phone rang and her name appeared on the screen. As soon as he picked up, her voice came through the line. He expected to hear the beautiful coquettish voice that he adored, but he received a sullen somber voice, a voice that no one would want to listen to. After spending fifteen minutes on the line, he was able to connect the words she uttered in between her sobs. He had to put a lot of effort to hold back his laughter. Another breakdown. How fortunate he was! Reason attributed to procrastination. He guessed that the deadline was tomorrow, but he didn’t dare to ask. She asked if he can help and promised that she will work on improving her time management skills. He had to restrain himself from laughing out loud. He lost count of the number of times she uttered this statement. He apologized from his friends labelling the phone call as an emergency, without dwelling much into the details. He drove full speed to her.
The nudge of his assistant brought him back to reality. She felt that she lost his attention while she was providing updates for tomorrow’s episode. He apologized and continued to listen, trying to mimic her enthusiasm. He exerted a lot of effort to remain fully focused, ignoring his throbbing head. It took two hours to finalize all the details and he could not wait to go back home.
He arrived home and headed to the bathroom. He took a long steamy shower hoping to dissolve the tension and stiffness in his body. He was off to the kitchen to silence his growling stomach when he heard the doorbell ring. It was Liam, the sound engineer.
“I know you had a rough day today, I came to cheer you up,” said Laim holding Chinese food.
Adam wanted to cry, but managed to fake a weak smile.
She was standing there holding his favorite food, Chinese. He was starving, rummaging through the fridge and cupboards for something edible, without any success. He rarely cooked for himself, so his house was always lacking edible items. He remembered how lucky he thought he was at that moment. They sat and had dinner while she told him of a new business idea. As she spoke, her eyes radiated waves of excitement and positivity, which were directly channeled to him. This was the 6th idea in 3 weeks. He felt so proud of her as he heard her defend her idea.
Days passed by quickly; they were ordinary days with the same routine. Nonetheless, Adam was feeling more nervous as the day of the event was approaching. Adam dreaded this event. Nothing unusual was occurring that would cancel it, and he could not come up with any excuse to get out of it.
He arrived at the school early on the day of the event. He was welcomed by a group of teachers who were excited and chatty. They introduced themselves, but he was not listening. Thankfully, they wore name badges, so identifying them would not be a problem later on. How can someone talk this much in the morning; he thought to himself, and he was a radio host of a morning show! He regretted coming this early, as he was not in the mood for conversations. He just wanted to calm down his nerves. People started to arrive, thankfully, and the attention of the teachers moved from Adam.
After the reception, the attendees were all invited into the auditorium. Adam looked at the auditorium packed with students. A knot formed in his stomach and his heart was beating against his chest. He couldn’t believe that he would address this many students; he who addresses millions every day.
The master of ceremony commenced the event with a welcoming speech, greeting everyone and introducing Adam, while thanking him for accepting the invitation and joining the event today.
Little did she know that he was not given any choice.
She talked about the school with pride, complimenting its continuous efforts and unrelenting pursuits in the field of education and learning. She mentioned that this event is new and one of a kind, it was based on an idea from a parent who was on the Parent—Student Committee.
Wow, I can’t wait to meet this parent!
She then handed over the floor to the principal of the school to deliver her speech. Two speeches are next in line: one will be delivered by a parent from the Parent-Student committee and another one by a grade 12 student. Adam was thankful for the speeches. They will waste some time dedicated to the event. However, he wasn’t that lucky, as the speeches did not exceed the allocated time. Claps echoed in the auditorium after each speech.
The master of the ceremony was leading the event again, opening the floor to the students to ask questions to Adam.
The first question was about his career change.
“I always had a passion for food and for creating exotic dishes. I started to cook at home from the age of 12. At the age of 15, our kitchen was my own territory; my mom was no longer allowed in. I can’t cook with my mom around; we can’t team up in the kitchen.” He said jokingly and heard the crowd laughing.
“I knew what I wanted to do from the beginning, I wanted to register in the culinary arts school to level up my skills and learn all the techniques in this field. My parents refused in the beginning. I am their only son, and they wanted me to become an engineer or a doctor. Just to please them, I registered for Engineering in the Lebanese University. I attended a few classes, but it was like torturing myself. Therefore, I started to skip classes at the Lebanese University and to attend classes at the culinary art school instead. After one semester, when I was certain that I wanted to change majors, I mustered the courage to face my parents, dropped from Lebanese University and continued to pursue my dreams in the field of culinary arts. I graduated from culinary arts. I was over-excited to start working, and I worked in the field for 10 years in five star restaurants and hotels. I also created my YouTube channel and filmed thousands of recipes. Creating my own videos and interacting with viewers ignited in me the love for hosting shows. I decided to take another degree in media and telecommunication and to host a show on the radio. I heard it all over again from my parents that I should have pursued my studies in Engineering since I wanted to shift away from culinary arts.”
The crowd laughed again.
“ You must have heard of this story before, but I hope you muster the courage to pursue your dreams. To go into a field that you are passionate about, because if not work will be your biggest misery in life. You would be working for that paycheck at the end of the month, with no ambition, and there is more to life than a paycheck.”
Her 6th idea was the best. She was convincing him to open a Diet Center together. She would assess customers and provide them with diets, and he would prepare specific meals according to the diet plans for customers to order. It was not a new concept in the country. It would be different from others because they aimed at providing a wide range of meal options to their customers, to keep them engaged in the diet plan. She was amazing with the customers. They just loved her. They complied to please her. He was amazing with the food, engineering different components into synergies that no one would expect.
They used to deliver the food together to the customers. He was the one driving and she sat next to him in the passenger seat, flipping one radio station after the other. He asked her to stick to one station, but she never like the content and ridiculed the hosts. They kept on repeating the worst songs. After giving up on the radio, she would connect her phone and play her music list. They would sing together and he would laugh that she had the most terrible voice and she could not hit a single note. She didn’t care; she sang anyway.
After she chose to leave, he decided to go for media and communication. He wanted to host a radio for her, to play her best songs so that she can listen to them and be happy.
Another question came in about the reasons for his success in this field in a short period of time.
“It all comes back to my passion for this field. I insist on preparing all my episodes and I am always up to date with the latest trends and the hot topics in the country. I always ask for feedback from my friends, family, and my audience. I am keen on capturing the negative criticism and working on myself to improve in this field. Even if I put many hours at work, I make sure to hit the gym every day for 2–3 hours. Exercising helps me manage my stress. Stress is an integral part of our lives. It is our way of dealing with it that makes a difference.”
He works non-stop to avoid thinking of her.
More questions came in. He was a natural speaker. What was special about him is that he knew his audience really well and spoke their language. The event was going really well. He sneaked a peak at his watch, and he was relieved to know that it would be over very soon.
One of the students asked him if he was planning to continue his career in cooking.
“For sure, I will. I love to cook. I am only taking a short break to focus on the radio show and will be back in no time.”
He was not planning to go back to cooking. After she chose to leave, he closed the diet center and sold all of his cooking items. He only kept the set of knives. It was a gift from her.
Then, one question came up: “If you were given a chance to go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be”?
This question struck him by surprise and shook his balance. He was not expecting to answer such a question. Thoughts flooded his mind.
Of all the things he could have said:
Pursue a degree in engineering to stop his parents' nagging
Talk about his worst guest on the show and mention that he should have never interviewed him
Talk about the worst review from a customer in a 5-star restaurant and joke that if he could go back in time, he would drop the customer’s face in the food plate.
Talk about his worst date.
Talk about anything in university….
He could have invented a story, not that he wasn’t good at it. His life is all based on a series of stories he comes up with to hide his misery.
He spoke too soon, before his mind could have any sort of control.
“I would have stayed with her that day.”
Whispers in the audience, who is she?
He registered the outcome of his action when it was too late. He could not undo what he uttered.
“I was at work that day. I tried to contact my twin sister, but could not reach her. I called my parents but they did not know her whereabouts. I also contacted her friends, but they did not know anything about her. I was so worried. I left my work and went to her home. Her car was there. I rang her doorbell she didn’t answer. I called her mobile, and I heard it ringing. I was sure that she was inside the house. I banged at the door persistently, but she would not open the door. A surge of adrenaline pumped into my body giving me the power to break the door. I went after the sound of the ringing mobile and it led me to her room. She was there, drenched in blood. She chose to take her own life and leave this world.”
On that ill-fated day, he called her to go on their usual round to distribute the diet meals. She said that she was not feeling well. He asked if she wanted him to come home. She refused; she said that they couldn’t make their customers wait and that she would be waiting for him for dinner. Her voice made him feel uneasy. He rushed to distribute the meals and go back to her. In the middle of his round, he called her but she was not answering. He felt terrified and darkness crept into his heart. It was the first time in his life that he felt this much petrified. He stopped the round and headed straight home to a shocking tragedy.
A week before her death, she cut her hair short and donated them to the Children's Cancer Center. She was not fond of short hair, and he was surprised by this change. She said that a woman who cuts her hair short is ready to make a great change in her life. He didn’t think that this is what she meant when she was talking about change.
After all of those years, her death remained a mystery. He could not understand the reasons. He blamed himself for leaving her alone. He reviewed all of the conversations they had, trying to find clues that indicated that she was going through tough times. He couldn’t find anything. He could not understand why she didn’t share her reason for misery; after all they shared everything together. If they laughed together, then why wouldn’t they share sadness too? Unfortunately, she was the only person who can answer his questions, and this means that his questions would remain unanswered.
He dreamt of her a few days after she passed away. Her clothes were dusted with soil. Her laughter was echoing. She asked what took him so long to come and set her free. He woke up drenched in sweat. He dreams of her most of the time. This is why he has sleepless nights.
“Up to this day I still miss my sister.”
Missing is an understatement.
“I carry her in my heart wherever I go. But, I chose to continue my life and fulfill her dreams.
He is not able to continue his life without her.
“ I used to say that life is not fair. But, I learned that life is fair because it is unfair to everyone. It keeps on testing you, and you have the choice, to give up or to continue to challenge it.
He chose to give up a long time ago.
“I hope that you choose to challenge it. I also hope that when you feel exhausted from life, you continue to see your beautiful attributes. You remember the good, and leave out the bad. I hope you empower your inner sun to outshine the dark clouds. I also hope that you master the courage to seek help, to open up to others and let it all out. I hope that you do not remain enclosed on yourself, drowning in your own misery. Always remember that we are all in this together and we rise up by supporting each other.”
An intense sound of clapping rocked the auditorium. The event ended, and students and teachers came to him to embrace him in a hug. He did not expect this reaction. His body ached for hugs, much needed hugs that energized his inner sun. He felt that his inner sun was fighting to regain control, to triumph against his dark clouds that gloomed over his soul for a long time now, once and for all. The least he expected was to be set free by an event that he did not want to attend in the first place. A smile lighted up his face and eyes. Finally a real smile! What an unexpected turn of events!
