Danae and the Golden Shower
or “The extraordinary sex life of Zeus, Part 1”
So a while back, King Akrisios gets some spicy news from the Oracle hotline.
Yes, hello, we’d like to inform you that your daughter’s son who hasn’t been born yet is going to kill you. Good luck, and goodbye! *click*
King Akrisios refused to get into a debate with his advisors over how timelines work and settled for a simple course of action. His daughter, princess Danae, was to be thrown into the dungeon. But a bronze dungeon, not a stone one. She’s a princess, after all. Or it was a tower. No one’s really sure, which is weird, because they’re completely opposite from each other.
Oh, to be bored and horny. Such is the life of Zeus as he oversees the world from his throne at the peak of Olympia. Suddenly, his fuckboy senses tingled. He rose from his throne and made haste to the lower realm of mortals with a really cool lightning effect.
The Greeks, too busy with pederasty to write about something other than sex, skimped on the details for the next part. Zeus somehow made his way down/up to Danae’s dungeon-tower as a cascading rain of gold. Presumably, King Akrisios was paying his guards pretty well to not fuck his daughter because none of them snatched up all the shiny coins that were cascading up and/or down the stairs and making an absolute racket everywhere they went.
So Danae’s lounging around in her room, bored, horny, and not getting any matches on Tinder because cellphones haven’t been invented yet. There’s a clatter outside. The doors fly open. It’s ya boi Zeus, here to give you some change. Danae is SO INCREDIBLY BORED that she’s like “Eh, why not.”
Zeus spilled his aureus on her areolas, gave some godly currencylingus, and put his money in her bank. These coins were divine and clean so Danae didn’t end up getting a yeast infection from the exchange.
Some time later, Danae gave birth to a boy and named him Perseus. King Akrisios was like “Oh shit, oh shit. IT’S A BOY.” He takes the only reasonable course of action when faced with looming grandpatricide. Danae and baby Perseus are unceremoniously tossed into a chest and set adrift in the ocean. Problem totally solved.
Or not. King Akrisios didn’t ask how all those coins got there and had no idea his daughter got knocked up by Zeus himself. Zeus, ever the prankster, called in a favor with Poseidon to let the chest safely drift to the isle of Seriphos. A fisherman finds the box, and Danae is just SO INCREDIBLY BORED. It’s a good match and they all live happily on the island until Perseus grows up and some new bullshit happens.
The moral of this story is that sometimes you fuck with money and sometimes money fucks with you.
Author’s notes:
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