6 Reminders for Anyone Who is Chronically Single
Or: Why does it seem like everyone (except me) is getting engaged during the pandemic?!
By Alex
If you’re reading this, you probably also experienced a similar phenomenon as me this summer: every time I opened social media, I saw a new engagement announcement. Or engagement photos. Or a cute physically distanced wedding.
Though navigating singlehood in a romance-driven world is already tough enough, it got even tougher this summer.
On one hand, the sad jokes write themselves:
How are we supposed to meet someone new when meeting people in person is basically illegal right now?
How am I supposed to pay for these wedding gifts when I’m struggling to pay the bills right now?
How am I supposed to meet the love of my life at all these weddings when there’s only like nine other people here?
But, on the other hand, it’s a serious concern. It emphasizes and intensifies the loneliness that we singles feel. Let me be honest with you: I’ve been single my whole life, and it’s not for lack of trying. I basically have a PhD in unrequited love. But I’ve always been able to pick myself back up and try again, while enjoying life through pursuing my passions and truly cherishing my other relationships.
After the summer of engagements, including the engagement of one of my best friends, things feel different this time around. I always thought eventually I’d meet my life partner by this point. The reality that I may never meet them is hitting me harder than ever.
If you are feeling the same way, know that what we are feeling is valid, but that we don’t need to let these feelings take over how we think and feel about ourselves.
Let yourself grieve.
Let yourself feel all the complicated feelings that come with being single or feeling lonely during a time when we need more comfort than ever. Don’t give into toxic positivity around us that tells us to “look on the bright side” or “keep smiling.” It’s normal to feel sad about not having a romantic partner, especially when we are surrounded by mainstream media constantly stressing the importance of relationships. Take time to grieve, to understand the root of your feelings of loneliness and, only when you’re ready, take steps to cope, move on, and heal.
Immerse yourself in meaningful activities.
I don’t mean this in the derisive “get a hobby” way that people often throw towards singles or people going through a break up. But it is easier to feel lonely if you feel like you have nothing to do in your down time, whenever you’re not studying or working.
Meaningful activities could include picking up a hobby like knitting or a new sport. But it could also be like taking on a wellness or fitness challenge. It could be figuring out what charity or social justice causes you care about, and joining a community group that does work that helps out that cause. Personally, working with Asian Mental Health Collective to plan virtual events and awareness campaigns has been a really positive thing for me and helped me find a sense of community.
Recognise that not all of your thoughts are facts.
This is a tough one. Oftentimes we perceive ourselves to be one thing, and in reality our perception might not be true at all. For example, we often tell ourselves that we are single because we are unworthy of life. We are led to believe in a world of meritocracy — that good things come to those who deserve them. So, if we are not in a relationship, we may come to believe that we don’t deserve love, happiness, or companionship. Now imagine if your friend said this about themselves. You’d tell them — “that’s not true!” And yet, it is hard to do the same to the voice inside our heads saying the same thing.
Well, I’m here to be that friend to you. You do deserve love, happiness, and companionship. Not because you look a certain way, or because you earn a certain amount of money — but because you are who you are. And I really mean that.
Take all that energy you put into hyping up your crush and use it to hype yourself up.
I’ve found myself in this loop as well. Though it is clear that the person I like isn’t interested in me or isn’t treating me well, I still stick around and hope I end up with them. I tell myself “well, they are really kind.” or “Just getting to talk to them or see them makes me smile.” or “They are exactly the type of person I have been looking for.” And a good friend put it into perspective for me:
Yes, they may be all those things but they have one major flaw — they don’t see you for all the things that you are. And that means they don’t deserve you. All of the amazing things that you are saying about them? You deserve to hear them — whether it’s from a romantic partner, or from yourself. Hype. Yourself. Up.
Don’t settle for anyone less than exactly what you deserve.
We don’t need to waste time, especially with someone you cannot see a realistic future with or with someone who doesn’t put as much care and effort into the relationship as you. We are past the age of dating the next available person who is willing to date us. As university students, we have the world in front of us and multiple opportunities to find happiness. You should be proud of not settling for an unequal relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Use your past to inform your future, but not to sabotage it.
This last one is a note for myself too. Getting over a broken heart is not easy, and it doesn’t make us less for taking a long time to heal after losing a person you cared for, trusted, and imagined a future with. It’s a trauma response to put up walls, to trust less easily, and to have romantic feelings for someone you know isn’t available.
That’s why it’s important to remember to use our past to inform the future, not sabotage it. Yes, be more cautious and think more carefully. But, if the real thing comes around, don’t sabotage your chance at a fulfilling romantic relationship. Remember, you deserve it.
Don’t let the “COVID-19 Summer of Engagements” make you feel jaded about your future love life — that you don’t deserve love, that being alone is something to fear, that you should give up on finding love. None of that is true. Everyone is on a different path, including your various Facebook friends that got engaged and married this summer, but it doesn’t mean that your path is wrong.
From one chronically single friend to another, I hope you take this to heart.
