Friendship Break-Ups: Dos and Don’ts
By Azra
Break-ups happen — even between friends. At the core, I believe friendship breakups are just the result of growing up and no longer being compatible as friends. I have initiated some and been on the receiving end of others. There have been situations where I felt that I could have handled the situation better and other times where I have felt that the friend could have done better. And then there are times, where I am like, yeah, we nailed it! As a result, I’ve complied a list of what do’s and don’ts that you can keep in mind if you’re considering (or going through) a break-up with one of your friends:
Don’t: Force a friendship
If you are no longer happy with a friendship, there is no point in forcing it. For me, I used to put lots of effort into forcing friendships with people that I no longer enjoyed spending time with. Why? Because I felt like our long history of knowing each other obligated me to keep these friendships going. I changed this mentality and now have fewer, but more fulfilling friendships.
Do: Think about how the other person is feeling.
It’s important to remember that there are two sides to every story.
For example, I used to be friends with a girl who I liked spending time with, but who would irritate and offend me with the types of jokes that she would tell. I also always felt like she would blame me if a situation didn’t turn out as planned. On the flip side, it turns out that she thought I had a habit of reacting irately to her innocent jokes. And when things went wrong, she didn’t blame me specifically, but she did believe that our communication was poor. In the end, we were both frustrated by our friendship, in part because of how we perceived things, which we only discovered after talking it out and actually listening to each other’s side of the story.
If you are unhappy in a friendship, you should also consider that the other person may be feeling similar. You won’t be able to fix anything — whether that involves repairing your relationship or ending it unless you are open to sharing your perspectives.
Don’t: Tell EVERYONE but the person how you are feeling
After our group project went wrong last year, one of my friends got very mad at me. I was aware that the group project had taken a negative turn, but I was not aware that my friend was mad at me on a personal level; unfortunately, I found out through the grapevine. She had expressed her anger to others instead of telling me directly, and finding out about it through others really hurt and made it harder to address the issue because all of my information was indirect and based on hearsay. When it was addressed directly, the problem was resolved.
The lesson learned: it is way more productive to address an issue directly instead of gossiping to others — which can run the risk of miscommunications.
Do: Tell them directly that you no longer want to be friends.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do involved ending my friendship with my very best friend. I felt a million different emotions and could not organize my thoughts. She’d caused me a great hurt, and when she asked me to provide her with support, I realized that I couldn’t do it. I was done with the friendship, and the fairest thing to do was to tell her so. Because I was open and honest with her about how I was feeling, we have remained on good terms and both have closure.
Don’t: Ghost them (Seriously!)
As you get older, ghosting becomes easier and easier. I am guilty of this and it is probably one of the most inconsiderate things I have ever done. I was going through a tough time a few years ago and I was not feeling my friendship with my best friend from childhood anymore. I ghosted her and pushed away all the guilt of how hurtful my behavior was. In fact, I felt indifferent to it because I was so angry and unable to communicate my feelings. When I finally came to my senses, I apologized to her, but the friendship was beyond repair. At the end of all of this, I was the real loser in the situation because I was the one filled with guilt and regret.
Do: Trust yourself and treat them with respect
As I stated at the beginning of the post, I think ending a friendship is like ending any other relationship. It doesn’t mean that you’ve failed or that the one of you is terrible, it means that you recognize that you are no longer compatible. I hope the biggest takeaway from this piece of writing is how important it is to trust yourself and be true to how you are feeling while also treating the other person with respect. Respecting the other person through the break-up will (hopefully) help you to end things on an amicable note and will prevent the creation of new feelings of anger and/or resentment.
