FRIENDSHIP
Making Friends Out of Acquaintances
It shouldn’t be that hard… Should it?
Here I am, back again with another tale to transport you back to my glamourous life living in Portugal.
Last week, I moved from a sleepy Portuguese village in the heart of Alentejo where I have been living for the past 6 months, back down to the bustling Albufeira… Alone.
My partner in crime sadly had to return to the UK on Friday for emergency medical treatment, leaving it up to me to manage the move and our affairs here.
Now, a little bit of context: it’s my partner that has worked and lived in Albufeira before, who’s made his friends here (hence the return). As such, I don’t really know Adam from Eve, and have been faced with a challenge. The challenge to make friends out of acquaintances I’ve been introduced to; arguably, a more difficult challenge than if I were to have met them unintroduced and of my own volition.
Reading that back, it sounds slightly woe is me. Rest assured I am not ungrateful or pessimistic about the situation I’m in; in actual fact, I’m revelling in the opportunity to talk with people my own age again!
Social expectation is a myth
An acquaintance is born from someone knowing you as a result of someone else. They know you through your ties with that person: this could include, how you got to know each other, a shared experience you’ve had with them, a shared interest or personality. You know that they get on well with that person.
Have you ever felt especially nervous about meeting a friend of a friend? That’s because of social expectation: because they get along well with that person, you should to.
But let’s not forget that the relationship between your friend and the person you’re being introduced to is, in itself, unique, and nothing to be compared to. That’s what can add another layer of social anxiety to the situation: what if you don’t share any interests? Then you’re left in a bubble of just being nice and making painful small talk because you can’t talk about the same things your friend does with their acquaintance. Yes, I know the weather’s nice and so do they, we’re in the Algarve, in April!
That’s the whole point of life, you know? To meet people — Sherman Alexie
Scrap it all
Go back to basics. Pretend you were never introduced. Try to be yourself. Keep in mind these three questions:
1. How would you usually approach a new person?
2. What pieces of information DO I know about this person that I can use to connect with them?
3. What am I having for dinner tonight?
The last question wasn’t added because advice sounds better in threes. It was thrown in there to help your mind adjust back into a casual way of thinking, giving your body a chance to relax and depressurise from the initial nervousness you had meeting this person.
But what happens if it’s (gulp)… More than one acquaintance at once?
I’ve been finding laughter a good way to engage a group of people who I don’t know, and who don’t really know me. That, or throwing out a random Netflix series I’ve been watching and waiting to see if anyone’s seen it seems to be working (it usually pops up a nice, easy conversation).
But I also have to remind myself, that just because they’re good friends of my partner’s, they don’t have to be my BEST friends. Just take a look at this quote from Wayne Mellinger of Antioch University:
“Because we have weak ties with our acquaintances, they tend to be much more diverse than our intimates. By contrast, close friends are often limited to people who are very similar to ourselves in essential ways.”
How boring would life be if we all did the same things and were BFFL’s all the time? Let go of that pressure, that expectation, and just enjoy the enriching value that acquaintances can add to your life — because you’ll likely be adding just as much to theirs.
