Self Improvement
Reclaiming the Pause in Conversation
The power of pause beyond presentation and relaxation
Today, when we talk about ‘the power of pause,’ it is all too often discussed in the context of public speaking, presentations, or taking a moment to check out of the day-to-day and breathe. Of course, there is no real issue with all of the above, and the pause is as valuable in those contexts as elsewhere.
However, in the might and flight of our daily interactions, the humble pause often gets neglected, forgotten as we stumble on to the next sentence or trip right through someone else’s thoughts.
When I first started working on the central communications team of a large organisation, I was years behind everyone else in terms of ‘experience’. I was shy, lacked confidence, and believed that my opinions carried less value simply because they weren’t backed up by a neat row of past employers lined up year by year on a CV page.
Lost for words, I rediscovered the sheer might of the pause. During my time there, I did a whole lot of listening, a whole lot of pausing before speaking, and a whole lot of making sure my thoughts were straight before opening my mouth.
I acquired a new skill. I mastered “the pause”.
Rather than losing time or slowing our high-performing team down, I realised I was actually gaining valuable insights into my colleagues’ thoughts and opinions. I was also delivering much more well thought out arguments.
I started pausing outside of work too. I learned more than ever about my friends and family. I became more rational and consistent in my opinions. I won far more arguments.
I found this all very valuable — a word I will use a lot below. Hopefully, you might find some value in it too.
So without further ado, here are some of the things I learned when I began to embrace the pause.
Most people don’t like silence…so they fill it.
When you begin to introduce more breath, more silence, into your communication, it can at first be incredibly awkward. If you’re like me, you feel uncomfortable in silence, and therefore, jump to fill it. Most people are the same.
In conversation, pause long enough to take on board your friend or colleague’s thoughts and then count a beat. You will find that they will attempt to fill the silence by completing their initial idea.
You uncover some wonderful insights into friends and family in this way and pave the way for truly meaningful conversations.
Pauses resolve arguments
In the throws of an argument or highly charged debate emotions run wild. By nature, people are passionate, annoyed, upset or overly enthusiastic, and the abundance of energy they give to the cause often fizzes over and clouds their perspective.
It is by no means easy, but if you can: restrain yourself from jumping in with your own passion and energy, hold back, nod, say ‘yes, I see’, pause and simply wait thoughtfully. In this moment you will find yourself gathering more information from the opposition while garnering time to clarify your own opinion.
In the silence, you force the conversation to slow, to become more thoughtful. All parties reflect. Opinions change. Understanding occurs.
This particular one I’ve learned less from work and more from my boyfriend — the master of pause in an argument. We rarely argue, but when we do, the silences come out thick and strong. It drives me insane, but he knows it works, and I do too.
The end of a thought is as valuable as the beginning
How many times have your last few words been interrupted by a friend eager to react to your initial thought? How many times have you interrupted your friends?
So many of us do this. It’s a symptom of the information age. We’re constantly looking to eke as much out of every single interaction as possible, so we drive conversation onward, jumping from one thing to the next.
By not only allowing someone to finish a point but giving the extra second for it to settle, you are adding value to your conversations. You are being handed the whole picture. Context completed. No way to incorrectly perceive a perspective by skipping over the final puzzle piece.
Value the quality of conversation, not quantity. Listen, understand, then react.
People respect the pause
This one was hard to learn. In a business-critical meeting, asking for a moment can be daunting, especially if rapid responses are the plat du jour.
After several uncomfortable instances where I blurted a response before thoroughly considering the information before me, I took the leap and stalled.
From stalling, I worked my way up to saying outright, ‘that’s very interesting, but I need a brief moment to understand my perspective on this.’ If your colleagues say no, you’ve lost nothing. Gut reactions often don’t add value unless you can immediately qualify them. If your colleagues value your opinion, more often than not, they will wait.
Don’t assume they will wait forever though, we’re talking an extra 20–30 seconds, not a 10-minute recess!
All in all, I have found that taking the time to pause in conversation has strengthened my working and personal relationships.
It is important not to check out in these pauses. They are and must be active. Attentive.
People notice the difference. They may not realise the difference has been an extra second here, an additional breath there, but they will have felt a different quality to the conversation.
Every now and then, someone will say, ‘why do you always wait in silence?’ They don’t even have the vocabulary to recognise the pause. For them, a pause is a break, a rest, a method for the speaker to get their point across.
It’s time to reclaim the pause in the everyday. Inject it into your conversations! Bring back the breath!
