EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
The Habit of Communication You Need to Break Immediately
It all starts with zipping your lips and listening to me
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking while you’re busy interrupting.” — Mark Twain
Interrupting in conversation is rooted in dominance. Between two people having a conversation, the person speaking the most tends to be the more dominant party, and interactions typically contain more interruptions from them.
A Zimmerman-West study found that, in 10 separate conversations between men and women, there were 48 interruptions. Of these interruptions, 46 were attributed to the males.
What’s the point?
The primary gain of a person in a conversation who has interrupted has a direct link with their status and dominance in that interaction.
1. Interjecting and linking everything they say with your own experiences
2. Pejorative thinking/response
This habit is a really easy one to slip into and an incredibly difficult one to break, and links closely with whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist.
It’s really easy for people, especially in dominant positions in a conversation, to look down or potentially question what another member in that interaction has said. Here’s an example:
Speaker 1: “I really fancy having soup for dinner tonight, so I think I will”
You: (thinking) That’s not very filling, I’m glad I won’t be having it
You: (out loud) “I bet you’ll still be hungry after”
It’s really subtle how the impact of thinking negatively after a statement has been made by the other person can change the whole dynamic of a conversation. Inadvertently, you’ve tried to assert power by judging their opinions and, as a result, have killed the conversation flat. Let’s review that conversation if a bit more positivity had been considered before responding:
Speaker 1: “I really fancy having soup for dinner tonight, so I think I will”
You: (thinking) It wouldn’t satisfy me, but I’m not the one eating it and soup can be delicious, I wonder…
You: (out loud): “Ooh nice, what flavour are you going to go for?”
Instantly, just like that, you’re on an open question and the conversation can continue, remaining upbeat and positive, and not putting any person in a position of lower dominance.
It’s easy to pick up on — see for yourself
How many times can you recall in the last week that something similar to this has happened to you? Guaranteed, if you start noting when you’re doing this, advertently or inadvertently, you’ll probably surprise yourself.
You don’t have to be a writer, student of language or high-ranking academic to be able to recognise and improve on the elements of your communication that harm your interactions, and thus have an impact on your relationship.
Good communication skills are developed by a healthy, balanced focus on the traits of all involved in the converse. By becoming aware of negative traits that assert potentially offensive dominance in conversation, and recognising how to influence them, the positive traits of effective conversation will become obvious.
Give it a go — start off small by watching live interviews and assessing how others converse. It’s the best first step to understanding how you can apply more positive techniques to your own communication.
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