We’re so back (or, in other words, it’s not so over)
What does it feel like to experience “burnout” and how can we move on from feelings that our brains tell us are insurmountable?
Burnout — a word that seemed to dominate life during and after the pandemic. It’s that existential feeling you get when you’ve been stressed out and overworked for so long that your brain says “nope, too much” and decides to clock out; because humans aren’t machines, and even machines can only run for so long before they run out of battery or fuel or whatever climate-change-inducing power source that AI is using. There are other phrases used to describe this feeling: chronic stress, adrenal fatigue, I-can’t-imagine-a-meaningful-life-under-capitalism, and so on. I think that everyone can understand what it feels like to be so done with something that all you want to do is sit on the couch and watch all 11 seasons and 256 episodes of the critically acclaimed TV series M*A*S*H (1972–1983); or, if this (in my opinion, universal) experience doesn’t apply to you, to be so done with something that forcing yourself to keep working makes you feel like a robot on the verge of a mental breakdown.
To me, burnout has always seemed like a scary word, because — similar to the saying “burning the candle at both ends” — it implies that whatever has been “burned” is gone, extinguished, impossible to recover. That “whatever” could be your motivation, joie de vivre, etc. It’s not comforting to think that a part of you (especially a valued part, such as your ambition) could be “lost forever”. But more on that in a bit.
I think, in one way or another, we’ve all been acquainted with burnout. Maybe it was during college, or a tough job, or even your Peace Corps service. Eventually you reach a point where you’re so tired that you’re just over it, done, do not pass go, do not collect $200. As a PCV, I feel like the idea of burnout is extra scary because there are only two options for us: stay or leave. We’re committed to this job for two years, and burnout doesn’t really fit into that equation. But I also feel that PCVs are at a higher risk of “burning out” because our work can involve stressful situations, long hours, and being away from support systems like friends and family members. It’s not a question of “how can I stop that from happening to ME??”, but rather, “if that does happen to me, how am I going to deal with it?”
Now that the school year is over, I’ve been thinking a lot about burnout and how to deal with it. I noticed that I was feeling drained back in February. I was able to grind through the rest of the year, but I felt I could’ve done better, more meaningful work if I’d had the energy to do so. I knew that I wanted the next school year, which would also be my last ten months of service, to be different. I knew that all of the coping mechanisms I’d used to get through this school year (i.e. doom-scrolling on Insta and binge-watching Bridgerton) had obviously not made things better, although the Penelope and Colin season did bring me at least 3 more molecules of serotonin. It occurred to me that it was time for a lifestyle change, or, at the very least, a serious vibe-check.
I don’t believe that burnout is incurable. People are extremely (to use one of Peace Corps’ favorite words) resilient, and needing a break doesn’t mean that you’re going to be on the bench forever. I do, however, think that ignoring burnout and pushing past it will only make things worse in the long run. Chronic stress tends to come with a lot of not-so-fun “buy one get two free!” side-effects, and the simplest, easiest way to avoid all of that is to take a break from whatever is causing you to feel burnt out. Of course, this isn’t always possible, but as I’m writing this, we all have a pretty nice break coming up: summer vacation.
To me, summer vacation seemed like the perfect opportunity to reflect on some of the adjustments I could make to improve the quality of my service and my life in general. I began by talking to a Peace Corps therapist about my feelings of anxiety and fear of failure, a discussion that took many turns before finally arriving at the topic of this blog post: burnout, and how to address it. To be honest, before that point, I never thought of burnout as something that could be “addressed”, but as I talked things over with the therapist, it stopped sounding like a terminal diagnosis and more like one of those yellow warning lights that pop up on your car dashboard. Sure, a blinking “tire pressure” symbol might mean you need to go to the shop, but it doesn’t mean your car is about to blow up on the highway. The idea that something is broken and needs to be fixed is — understandably — stressful, but I like to believe there’s always a solution.
When the PC therapist asked me, “What makes you feel stressed at school?”, I almost laughed at the idea of trying to fit my answer into one 45-minute session. But, as I thought about it, I was able to narrow my challenges and concerns down into three categories, all of which turned out to have achievable, workable solutions. As soon as I spoke these ideas out loud, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Obviously, one brainstorming session can’t fix everything, but knowing that I had the power to create solutions got rid of a lot of those burnout-induced feelings of helplessness and stagnation. Now, instead of being prematurely exhausted by my worries about the upcoming school year, I was ready to implement new strategies that would help me feel more organized, productive, and prepared.
This approach was a bit harder to incorporate into my time outside of school. Unfortunately, burnout has a way of making the simplest parts of your life — e.g. cooking a meal or going for a walk — into Herculean tasks. While I knew that habits such as staying up late, eating colmado ramen for dinner, and running up six hours of screen-time a day didn’t make me happy or productive, I was always too exhausted to stop and think about all the ways in which those habits were taking a toll on me. The idea of making a positive change felt so beyond my capabilities that I didn’t want to try it and risk making the burnout worse. Unfortunately, as I’ve discovered, being in your “rotting in bed era” is neither sustainable nor beneficial, and will only make your burnout feel even more crushing and inescapable. Change has to happen for things to get better. That doesn’t mean it has to happen all at once, or that progress has to be linear. I apologize in advance for the running metaphor but — it really is a marathon, not a sprint.
Burnout is a scary word, but it doesn’t have to be. When I think of the process of burning, I think of how so many forests depend on fires for new growth — some trees (for instance, the Giant Sequoia) have seeds that are released by the sudden heat of wildfires — and how that process can be reflected in our own lives. Fires don’t always have to be destructive. Even though burnout can feel exhausting and endless, I’d like to think that it can also create a space in us for more dreams and goals to take root and grow, for a cycle of renewal and replenishing that keeps us alive and moving forward, even — especially — when times get tough.
So, to anyone reading this and feeling similarly burnt-out, my advice is this: give yourself some grace. Life, and Peace Corps service, is hard enough already without you making it harder on yourself. It’s okay to give yourself a rest day, week, month — or the amount of time that feels right to you. There’s no shame in taking breaks. In fact, I’ve found that taking breaks often make me feel more productive, because I’m energized and motivated afterwards. Resting can mean re-watching your favorite comfort movies, spending an hour or three drinking cafecitos and chismeando with your host family, going for a walk around your town (earbuds optional), or getting back into a hobby like drawing or cooking. Another option is reaching out to the PCVs at the Peer Support Network, or the PCMOs if you believe that speaking with a therapist will benefit you. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for burn-out besides listening to and trusting what your mind and body are telling you.
At the risk of this blog post beginning to sound like an overly motivational TedTalk, I will tl;dr with this: yes, burnout can happen to anyone, no, it’s not forever, and hey, your brain is lying to you, you DO have the power to end these patterns. Don’t be so tough on yourself. It’s all going to be okay.
Enjoy your summer break!
— Plátano Maduro
