On Vulnerability

“It’s tougher to be vulnerable than to be tough.”

We don’t have a problem being vulnerable as kids — we share, we talk, we play. Closing ourselves off to others is a habit that grows on us, like barnacles, as we grow up in the world, and some of us have the good fortune to pry ourselves free before we die cold, bitter, and guarded.

Vulnerability means looking yourself in the mirror and seeing a flawed and imperfect being, and owning it with a smile. You can only be better tomorrow if you look in the mirror today.

Vulnerability is awareness; awareness is preparedness. With vulnerability comes focus, control and ultimately, power.

Being vulnerable doesn’t put anything new in your life that wasn’t already there. It’s like visiting the doctor: she doesn’t give you cancer, she can only discover what’s already there. There’s a dragon at your door and you can either ignore it, or look out your window and wave.

Others respond positively to your vulnerability, your honesty and self-awareness. Only when you are vulnerable to others do you give them a chance to be vulnerable to you — this is friendship, this is love. As Giacomo Casanova says, “I do not conquer; I submit.”

“I know everything you’ve got to say against me.” Eminem, in his last rap battle in 8 Mile, tears himself apart in front of the audience, winning their hearts before his opponent even has a chance.

Being vulnerable means playing the game that you want to win, knowing you might lose. Vulnerability means understanding that which makes you uncomfortable, and confronting it.

Put yourself in a position where you can be rejected, where you can fail. Take a shot. Assert an opinion that others might not like. Confront the unknown. Define thyself.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for. Smooth seas don’t make good sailors.

Someone might not like you. You might not make the shot.

Rejection, loss, failure, defeat, these are all gifts. They help you define yourself. You learn what you’re good at and what you’re bad at, what you care about and what you don’t, whose opinion matters and whose doesn't.

Failure is a necessary part of improvement.

Once you embrace imperfection, and realize you’re still breathing, standing on two feet, only then are you poised for success.

“I’ve failed over, and over, and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” — Michael Jordan

Ira Glass, a radio broadcaster who’s considered among the best in his field, talks about how he was in the business for 10 years before he got good: “I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”

If you’re losing, embarrassing yourself, stumbling, faking it, then you’re doing it right.

Being bad at something is the first step to being kind of good at something.

If you can be vulnerable with yourself professionally, physically, socially, romantically, across every other area that matters to you, then you’ll remove the noise and can operate “in the zone” 24/7.

How to be vulnerable?

There’s no shortcut, no tricks. You never “achieve” vulnerability, it’s a lifelong thread in your relationship with yourself and others.

What are you doing to become better at the things that you care about?

“For me, it’s tougher to be vulnerable than to be tough” — Rihanna

Start by being a better friend to the people close to you. Love somebody.

It’s important to not only look in the mirror when finding oneself, but to look into the eyes of friends — to talk things through, to seek understanding and affirmation, to disagree, to dissect and discuss.

Communicate what you’re thinking, not what you think others want to hear. Tell stories. Relate to others. Disagree with people and be comfortable with having a different opinion from someone else.

Beyond that, cook meals for people. Give good gifts. If you have something nice to say, say it.

Steve Jobs said it best: “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Bad friends will act insecure and judge you, and you are better off without them. The world is a big place. Find people who match your vulnerability with vulnerability of their own.

Let go of who you think you should be, and become who you are.

Like what you read? Check out other pieces by @bdm_tastemakers like Honest Work: Taking Longer to Produce Less.