Don’t Give Up On Yourself

The hardest part of depression is feeling helpless. You don’t know when it started and you can’t tell if it will end. You can’t ignore it, I mean, it’s hard to pretend that you’re not feeling dysfunctional. You feel as though someone unplugged all your internal cords and changed the settings to a ciphered language. It’s just not working; Not like it used to.

You definitely never asked for it and you never would. No one in the right frame of mind would wish to feel as empty as the dead of the night or that they’re chained to the bottom of the ocean. It’s ridiculous.

You become acutely aware of injustice, pointlessness and nothingness. You know the world is screwed up with a million problems; So you feel like an asshole for having depression. I mean, what kind of person gets depressed when there’s so many other people out there with worse problems?

Google search and concerned friends tell you to take care of yourself, go exercise and get those endorphins pumping, or to journal your feelings and thoughts down. But all entries look the same. Page after page, they’re dripping with hopelessness, self loathe and death.

You put in whatever effort you can manage to scrape together. Yet, you still wake up and go to bed knowing something is wrong within you. Days, months, or even years go by. But it doesn’t matter, even each second feels like a dragged out eternity.

Then people give up and leave. You get it: you’re a burden. You leave.

What’s the point. What is the point? Nothing works.

—

Actually, it didn’t seem like it but it did. It worked. Not all of it, but it was enough.

Do you remember how you dug out your running shoes, put them on, and just ran? One foot after another, you were slow as fuck but you figured as long as you took another step it would be some sort of progress. Besides, if Forrest Gump figured something out and could leave his past behind, maybe you could too.

You didn’t know it for sure then but you were definitely on track. Over time your body began to sculpt and the distances grew. People sat on the street with cigarettes in hand to watch you. You didn’t care anymore, for the first time, your focus was all on fighting for yourself.

One day you realised that even in the overcast grey mist, you could feel a tinge of pride over how your body began to mould and distances you covered. That was a bold statement: You’re not as helpless as you feel. Maybe, you can influence and change something about your situation.

You’ve come a long way from then.

Sometimes you feel like you’ve drilled through rock bottom with a diamond drill. Yeah, it sucks, but you’re not helpless. You have control, just not in the ways you think you should.

Give it time, keep at it, and be patient. If it doesn’t work, you can always try something new. What’s most important is you don’t give up on yourself, even if you don’t believe in yourself yet. You are making progress.