A Roller Coaster Ride
On writing and being appreciated on Medium
No matter how much I am telling myself that I am doing this for myself, I have to admit, that there is more to it. I started writing and publishing on Medium to find an outlet to the thoughts I have in my head, and also because writing has always attracted me. I want to call myself a writer, and for that, I need to write.
So I write.
But I also publish, and I cannot neglect the fact that I am doing it to be read and appreciated.
After all, Medium is just another social media platform, where we share and connect, only the topic is more profound and requires more skills.
The feeling of rushing joy after an article gets curated and distributed in topics, seeing the increasing number of views and claps on the stats page — I cannot deny it, it affects me. I want more of this feeling. I strive to write better, to choose a better headline, to choose a better picture, to find more followers. To see that my story matters to people.
Otherwise, I could just write, save the document, and get on with my day.
But it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel the same level of accomplishment about my article if no one reads it. We are storytellers, and we want to be heard. We are writers, and we want to be read.
My first articles got curated quickly. I had a stroke of luck with the very first one, and the one after, and the one after. It is addictive. It becomes a standard for myself. I measure the quality of my stories according to the percentage of curation.
And it is very wrong. It feels wrong.
Especially as some of my most profound articles did not get curated, did not get the views and reads I think it deserved. It made me frustrated. It made me take the piece off and rewrite it, rework it.
The more I think of it, the more mixed my feelings become.
I got a Top writer badge in Love yesterday. And I got a Top writer badge in Travel today.
Time to celebrate, right? Well… not so fast! After the initial joy, disbelief and self-doubt set it. Only to later give way to conspiracy theories.
I did it. Wow, I did it. I can do it. I can write. I am good at this. I am a writer!
Then…
Am I really this good? Do I deserve to be a Top Writer? I have just started to publish, what makes me better than the others who are out there? Does it actually mean I am better?
And then…
What if it’s just beginners luck? What if it has nothing to do with the quality? What is the algorithm just wants to reel me in even more? What if the reason I am not a member of the MPP is being rewarded? What if, what if what if?
The trouble with conspiracy theories is that whatever you want to justify you will find evidence to do so (hello, flat-earthers). If I start to search for articles that talk about it, I will surely find some to make me even more unsure.
It is crippling. This is a rollercoaster! The high is amazing; the chute is frightening; the low is devastating.
And I know I shouldn’t focus on it, but I’m this vain and shallow. I am only human. I am looking for approval, for feedback. I want my story to be published, to be read, to be appreciated.
I am writing this for you.
And I don’t know how to handle if you are not reading it.
I pull myself together. I take a break. I focus on other tasks at hand.
I should write about overthinking, huh?
I sit back, keep writing and enjoy the ride.
