5 Things Cinderella Can Teach Us About College Relationships

We all know the story.

Beautiful, young Cinderella joins a new family when her father remarries. Soon, however, he passes away. Without his protection, her step-mother and step-sisters begin to mistreat her. They force her to wear rags, eat scraps, and clean the house.

Luckily, however, Cinderella can speak with animals. Cinderella’s cat frequently assures her “Meow,” which Cinderella interprets as, “Cheer up! You have something neither of your stepsisters has and that is beauty.” The cat also calls her stepsisters “lumpy,” which seems to make things better.

One day, the Prince hosts a ball for all the women in the land. Though Cinderella desperately wants to go, her evil stepmother refuses, instructing her to clean the house while she and her stepsisters are away. As Cinderella cries in her garden alone, a fairy godmother appears carrying a wand. She smiles broadly, “Don’t you worry Cinderella, we’ll get you to that ball.”

With a wave of her wand, she transforms a pumpkin into a carriage, Cinderella’s rags into a gown, and six mice scurrying around into a set of horses. The horses neigh, which Cinderella translates as, “My what a beautiful young lady, not lumpy in the least.”

As the carriage trots away, the fairy godmother gives a final warning: Cinderella must be back by midnight.

Cinderella’s entrance to the ball is breathtaking: heads turn, the music slows, and the prince gazes admiringly. Almost immediately, he knows she’s the one he’s been searching for. Following a protocol that 20-year-olds in sweaty dorm parties would continue for thousands of years, he asks her for a drink and for a dance. Following a similar protocol, Cinderella tells him “she would love to,” but that “she has to leave early.” He takes her hand and leads her to the center of the ballroom to dance.

Time flies when you’re desperately in love. And, without realizing it, hours slip away until suddenly the castle’s clock begins to strike, announcing the midnight hour. Cinderella, panicked, runs out of the ballroom to her carriage. In her rush, she leaves a single glass slipper — the only remnant of the night the prince has. He never even learned her name.

Time stops when you lose someone you love. So, the prince calls for the kingdom’s forces to help him find the owner of the slipper. They go from house to house, asking hundreds of women to try on the shoe. When the guards arrive at Cinderella’s house, they initially ask only her step-sisters to put on the shoe. After all, Cinderella was wearing rags; she was nothing more than a servant girl. But, the prince’s orders had been explicit — “every” lady in the land. So, grudgingly, they ask Cinderella to put on the shoe.

It fit perfectly.

Instantly, they guards knew they’d been wrong. So, they took Cinderella back to the castle to see the prince. The pair married and, as the story goes, lived happily ever after.

The story of Cinderella should remind us of two things.

One, return lost property after parties. It’s your best shot at love.

Two, life is full of diamonds in the rough. More often than not, we’re like the guards in the story. We neglect what is truly valuable — Cinderella — for what seems obvious — the well-dressed stepsisters. In college, we often do the same with relationships. We think we know who is important, what matters, and how we should interact with our friends; but, we are often seriously wrong.

What are the Cinderella Skills?

In 1998, linguist David Nunan coined the term “Cinderella skill” to describe listening. As he put it, “All too often, it has been overlooked by its elder sister: speaking.” As he argues, students concentrate on an obvious ability — speaking — at the expense of a more meaningful act — listening.

We neglect a series of social skills in college. In our book, “Your Relationship GPA,” (Amazon, June 24), we focus on a few of the biggest culprits. Taking initiative is dominated by reacting. Listening is dominated by speaking. Giving is dominated by winning. Deadlines dominate rituals. Perfectionism dominates vulnerability. We call these “The Cinderella Skills” of college: the traits that matter for successful relationships in school.

We neglect what is truly valuable — Cinderella — for what seems obvious — the well-dressed stepsisters. In college, we often do the same with relationships.

Sadly, our K-12 school system has failed us when it comes to teaching social skills. In high school, you can become a “champion orator” in speech and debate. But, you could never win a prize for listening. In your college application, you write a section of “personal accomplishments.” But, you would never write about the awards you helped others achieve. Our schools value individual achievement. We learn social skills that reflect it.

Luckily, college is a unique opportunity to change how we interact with others. Not only are we in a stage of life where we’re always learning, success in college is also tightly linked to your relationships. Your first job, the leadership positions you obtain, and even your grades are profoundly affected by your mentors, friends, and reputation.

So, what relationship skills should you focus on? Here are five that college students should concentrate on more.

Take Initiative

“Showing up is 80 percent of life.”

-Woody Allen

Reaching out to new people is something even professionals do poorly. A study at Columbia University found that at networking mixers, attendees almost exclusively spoke with people they already knew. Sadly, this behavior contradicts their stated reason for attending: to meet new people.

In college, the world rarely comes to you. You might go an entire semester before someone in class introduces themselves. You might eat lunch alone every day wishing someone would approach you to talk. And unless you know your subject better than your professor, it is unlikely they will single you out for mentorship. If you don’t decide your social life, someone else will for you. It’s up to you to make the first step.

Listen Well

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

-Stephen Covey

The truth is people love talking about themselves. According to Diana Tamir, a psychology professor at Harvard, the neural activity associated with talking about yourself mimics that of eating and sex. So, when we listen to someone else, they experience a near-constant neural high. Put simply, when we listen well, the people around us feel great.

Unfortunately, people aren’t great at helping others talk. In a study of speaking patterns, researchers found that most people spend 40% of a conversation talking about themselves. The key for college students is to be genuinely interested in others. If you want to know about their life, then you’ll ask interesting questions. As you ask questions, you’ll give your friends the — sadly — rare opportunity to talk about themselves.

Be Vulnerable

“Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.”

-Brene Brown

In 2012, researcher Candice Festa of Loyola University Maryland, Candice Festa investigated predictors of the quality of same-sex college friendships. Across one hundred and seventy-six students, sex, class status, extraversion, agreeableness, and interpersonal competencies all influenced the quality of relationships. However, once the study controlled for these factors, only “interpersonal competence of self-disclosure” accurately predicted friendship quality. Why?

Interpersonal competence of self-disclosure, also known as vulnerability, is powerful because we distrust people who present a “perfect” image. Luckily for you, you aren’t perfect. You say the wrong thing, make a mess when you eat, and waste time each day on unreasonably funny cat videos. Embracing the rougher sides of yourself, especially when it’s uncomfortable, can lead to much deeper friendships.

Make Rituals

“We are what we repeatedly do.”

-Aristotle

In college, it’s easy to meet new people. You have new classes each semester; you move dorms every year; you even bump into people in the cafeteria salad bar. On the other hand, college — unlike high school — makes it difficult to see the same students. Besides roommates, there are few people in a university you have to see regularly.

To build deeper relationships, focus on rituals. Creative habits help force you to spend time with another person. Perhaps you work-out together five mornings a week, hang out while doing laundry every Sunday morning, or talk before going to bed on weekends. The actual activity is nearly irrelevant as long as it is simply consistent.

Give Often

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

-Winston Churchill

People who help others tend to succeed in the long-run. In a study of first-year medical students, for example, researchers found that people who focused on helping others tended to do worse in their first year — probably because they sacrificed for others so much. But, as time went on, people began to advocate on their behalf. By the end of medical schools, these “givers” left with better grades, closer relationships, and the best residency placements.

As the study showed, givers gain. As we help our friends in college, our reputation grows. Slowly, people begin to advocate for us and seek us out for opportunities and leadership positions.

Though you might not have many resources (or even a microwave for that matter), you have plenty of things you can give. Helping out a classmate with homework, introducing friends, or even listening are all powerful ways of giving.

The “Cinderella Skills” are powerful; but, we also know they’re often difficult to do. If one of the above suggestions ever feels forced, relax. Sit this opportunity out; there will be plenty more. Make sure you feel comfortable every time. The more you practice, the more natural applying these skills will become.

The truth is you won’t improve all at once. But, you don’t need to. After Prince Charming “found” (please read “stole”) the glass slipper, he searched every house in the kingdom to find Cinderella. He experimented, he failed, and then he tried again. Given enough discipline and determination, he found what he was looking for. We hope that you’ll do the same.