SUICIDE | MENTAL HEALTH | FAMILY
They Asked Me Twice if I Wanted To Kill Myself. Was My Answer Unexpected?
Today is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.
“Were you trying to kill yourself?” It was quiet in the hospital room. Only the muffled voices from outside could be heard, as well as the sounds of the devices.
It was New Year’s Day, I was just 18.
My father visited us —me and the man I would marry in a few months — on New Year’s Eve. There was alcohol and there was fighting between the two men. I was also drunk, being largely ignored, and was nothing more than a witness to them on the verge of going at each other.
Then I did something very stupid.
We had cortisol drops at home and without giving it a second thought, I overdosed. I didn’t really expect anything to happen, but at that time I often had the urge to harm my body.
However, something did happen, because all of a sudden I found it difficult to breathe, and my throat felt slightly numb and slightly swollen.
A pitiful attempt to communicate me to the currently two most important men in my life failed. They were hopelessly fixated on each other.
Eventually, I dialed 911 myself. The paramedics came, tended to me, took me away, and I woke up the next morning in that hospital room.
Little side fact:
January 1, 2001, was also the day I saw my father for the last time.
He visited me in the hospital room, told me that he did not agree with this man, and was then asked out by the nurses.
I should have listened to my father, then I would have been spared 5 years of domestic violence. But at that time, I wanted one thing above all: a family of my own. And the man offered me exactly that.
My father died within the same month.
Was I Trying To Kill Myself?
I immediately denied the nurse’s question. And I can still say today, looking back, that I have never wanted to commit suicide.
At no time in my life, no matter how difficult everything was, did I actually want to die. And since I was pregnant the first time, I have also never intentionally harmed my body again.
However, it was not the last time I would be asked this question.
When I was in the hospital with my third child, the doctors suddenly wanted to get to the bottom of my psyche. By that time, however, my depression was largely over, and, looking back, I find it highly ironic that there was no help in sight beforehand when I desperately needed it.
In any case, they sent a psychologist to see me. Quickly and without complication. When I tried to get an appointment myself before my lowest point, it failed due to months of waiting. As I said, 👉 what an irony!
That psychologist also asked me the question if I ever thought about killing myself. And again, I was able to clearly reply no to that.
I can’t deny that this question made me uncomfortable. And yet, it is important in order to possibly prevent the worst in the event of a case.
A Question of Guilt
I know my mother felt guilty about me going downhill like that when the depression got the best of me. She never said it, but I can tell from her behavior.
What if I had really committed suicide?
Would my mother ever have been able to cope with the feeling of guilt? How would other people involved have felt?
Certainly, I often tried desperately to get the attention of people close to me. But I would never have wanted to place such a burden on my family.
It would be the same the other way around. If someone in my family were to take their own life, I would blame myself forever and ask myself countless questions.
- Was I too focused on myself?
- Should I have called or written more often?
- Did I not see the signs?
- Did I say or do something wrong?
- Could I have prevented it?
And in addition to the question of guilt, there is of course the pain of loss, the grief.
I personally have fortunately never had to go through this, and the question arises for me whether relatives of suicide victims can ever live carefree lives again. How do these people cope with it?
A Few Numbers and Facts
The German association “Freunde fürs Leben” regularly educates and thus raises awareness about suicide. On their website, they share a few important, interesting facts.
- Depression can be treated effectively.
- Suicidal thoughts should be taken seriously.
- Depression affects 264 million people worldwide.
- There are about 700,000 suicide victims worldwide each year.
- Men are more likely to die in a suicide attempt.
- Women commit more suicide attempts.
- Women are twice as likely to be affected by depression as men.
- 8/10 sufferers announce their suicide.
- Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people after traffic accidents.
In October, Richard Bailey published an article describing in detail how suicide occurs, emphasizing that it is a lengthy process.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention sponsors Survivors Day.
Those seeking help or wanting to help others can visit their website for more information.
