A Man Says “I Sure Don’t” to Marriage Equality

Dear marriage equality supporters,

When I was a child marriage was defined as a union between a man and woman of the same race who were from the same town and only distantly related to each other. That’s the way the bible intended it and no one seemed to mind.Then people like you thought it was a good idea to start breaking the rules and let different races marry each other. That was the beginning of the end as far as I’m concerned and it’s been nothing but trouble ever since. For example, it forced many upstanding citizens, like myself, to resort to throwing rocks at intra-ratial couples as they walked down the street. To this day, I’m still upset with them for making me do that. Now, to my absolute shock and disgust, we are allowing homosexuals to marry each other. I will not stand for it.

These gays claim that they are “in love,” but everybody knows the only reason they are getting married is to piss me off. As a man who believes he represents what’s best for everyone and a radical extremist when it comes to other people’s business, I have decided to show the world just how silly marriage equality is. In protest to all of you heathens who think it’s OK to screw with God and country’s laws of marriage, I am getting legally wed to my pet goat, Ruby. We are in love after all. If you can’t tell, I am being sarcastic. Marrying a goat is just as absurd as two men or two women marrying each other. I can make the same arguments as these same-sex lovers about why me and Ruby should be hitched. We've known each other a long time, we have a lot in common, and when I look into her sweet, goat eyes I know she is my soul mate. So put that in your equality pipe and smoke it. After our nuptials, Ruby and I are going to buy a little house somewhere, and while we won’t be able to have children of our own (not from a lack of trying as you gays like to joke) we will adopt 6 babies from some other God-forsaken country, even though there’s plenty of American babies that need adopting, and then we will start our own interior design company because it’s a fact that every married couple that isn't a man and woman has an interior design business. I bet you liberal losers are fuming with anger about the thought of man saying “I do” to his pet goat. All I can say is that you reap what you sew.

I humbly invite all you to the wedding of Reggie Turnbow and Ruby the goat to take place in my backyard on September 25. You will see with your own eyes just how stupid, ridiculous, and hilarious it is to fight for marriage equality. I’m already laughing about how foolish you all are going to feel after Ruby and I make our love legal.

Yours Truly,

Reggie Turnbow