AUTO REPLY: OUT OF OFFICE

AUTO: Leslie Solstice is out of the office (returning 8/21/2013)

Dear Colleagues,

I am away on a much needed vacation by myself to Costa Rica from August 7th until August 21st. As you may have heard from my phone conversations if you were within fifty feet of my office, my husband and I are in the middle of a bitter fight. Unfortunately, we are experiencing the same sort of marital problems as many couples today.

After a hellish, nightmare of a week at work, I returned home one night to find my husband of 7 years in the corner of the garage, covered in Vaseline, and fornicating with our River Run inner tube. It’s always the one you least expect, am I right ladies? Needless to say, I was shocked. Up until then I thought that the tube was solely used for our trips to the Delaware river. I confronted my husband immediately and at first he tried to deny it. It was pathetic really. Him standing there greasy and naked with our precious River Run dangling from his junk. He eventually broke down and admitted to his infidelity. Apparently, he’s had a secret fetish for inflatable vinyl and rubber for years. It started with a rafting trip when he was a teenager. Something about the curves of the raft and the feeling of laying face down while jostling through Class 1 rapids. In fact, he revealed to me that this behavior even has a name. It’s called “Lube Tubing.” Of course, like everything else there are internet groups where other “lube tubers” chat and share stories. I can tell you one thing, I’ll never be able to look at tubing down a river the same way.

I must admit I feel like such a fool. The clues were there, but I chose to ignore them. The stockpiling of Vaseline. The late nights he spent in the garage that he claimed to be tinkering with the car. The stench of ethenyl as he climbed into bed. Even when we first start dating I found it peculiar how much he loved to wear condoms. Not necessarily when we made love, but when he was running errands or while watching TV.

Anyway, my husband and I are taking a little break. I will be relaxing poolside and sipping on cocktails for the next two weeks. And I bought myself the skimpiest bikini ever. TMI! See you all on 21st.

Yours Truly,

Leslie Solstice