A Legal Alien Has Entered the NYC Mayoral Race
Dear New York City Voters,
Hello, my name is Duke Hazzard and I am humbly announcing my candidacy for New York City mayor. I know most of you have no idea who I am. I was not involved in a sexting scandal, I’m not a recently married lesbian, I’m not black, I’m not a price gouger, er, former MTA chairman, I’m not a supermarket magnate, or, God forbid, a lawyer. What makes me distinct is that I am the only candidate who was born and raised outside of this country. I am from a small town called Krystexxa, which is on the planet Opiod.
I appreciate that many people are skeptical of foreigners. But I want to change that opinion. I teleported here (legally!) because I knew that the United States of America was where I was meant to be. On my homeland, there has been much fighting between the Battle Corns and the Umlauts. I’m sure you have either read about this or seen it on your CNN. I’m ashamed that this war still rages on after nearly 20 oblongs. It began over something so petty, but yet so deeply offensive. A cartoonist from the Umlauts newspaper illustrated a Battle Corn wearing a sacktal while riding a bigoli. Obviously, we can all agree it’s funny and it was done in jest, but you can understand why the Battle Corns got so upset. They were furious and attacked the Umlauts’ huts the next day at first light. As I write this, these tribes still fight each other and there is no end in sight.
I don’t want to bore you with my planet’s problems. The fact is, I come in peace. Growing up in a war torn galaxy has made me strong, resilient, and flat out cambion. At this point, you’re probably scratching your head and wondering why would a mild-mannered, brick tonker from Krystexxa want to be mayor of New York City. Well, like my campaign slogan says, “You can’t make a clinkdonk without breaking a few romulads.” When I am mayor, jaguars will replace cabs. I’m not talking about that ostentatious, and quite frankly douchenaug, automobile, but literally jaguars will be created in a lab in Miami. The synthetic embryos will be injected with the same performance-enhancing drug as the one used on one of your Gods, Alex Rodriguez. You will no longer need to hail a taxi as when these mega-jaguars spot you standing alone, they will race toward you and pick you up with their mouths. Think of the money that will be saved on a fuel! I will destroy the public school system with my Remington Laser and have minuscule educational chips implanted into the brains of children starting at the age of five. Bye bye school tax! I will shut down every hospital because I have brought seeds from my planet that, once swallowed, will make every human invincible. A small fern-like tree will grow inside your belly, but that’s a small price to pay for no more health care bills! And of course I will reinstate the tax on soft drinks larger than 16 oz.
Thank you for considering me for your next mayor of New York. Please look for my hovering cavalcade along the campaign trail and I will gladly shake your hand with one of my eight.
Yours Truly,
Duke Hazzard
