One Guest Refuses to Come To Thanksgiving Dinner

Dear turkey-eating sickos,

Look here America, I am not interested in being the centerpiece of your meal on Thanksgiving. You might as well just fill up on stuffing and mashed potatoes ‘cause I ain’t gonna be there. I’ve been stuck in this coop for longer than I care to remember and I’m sick of being forced fed soybeans and corn just so you can have a plump bird to eat.

While we are on the subject, why does everyone insist on eating turkey for Thanksgiving? I was on the history channel website and learned something very interesting. After the Wampanoag tribe saved the Pilgrim’s asses from dying of malnutrition, the Pilgrims decided to thank them by hosting a meal. This was deemed as the first Thanksgiving. Do you know what the Wampanoag tribe brought to the dinner? Deer! You all should be eating venison on Thanksgiving. Ok, full disclosure, the history site does also say that the Pilgrim’s went on a “fowl” hunting mission. However, it doesn’t say they bagged any birds. They probably came up empty. Most of them were shaking all over the place with scurvy and swallowing poisonous berries like idiots. You think they could have went out into the wild and caught someone like me? I’m grease lightning, man. So I’m leaving old Jeb’s farm and never coming back. I won’t be sacrificed just so you can eat me up and get all tired and watch meaningless football games until you pass out.

The thing is I’m not the only one who’s escaping from this death pen. There’s a bunch of turkeys just like me that are getting on the back of this truck that’s parked in the driveway. I don’t know where the truck is going, but I’m getting on it too and it’s gotta be better than hanging out here waiting to get slaughtered. So long suckers!

Yours Truly,

Thomas T. Turkey