Top Ten Reasons This Year is Going to Rock, Ey

Dear 2014,

I’m sick and tired of being described as “what would have happened if Sarah Palin had a baby with Keith Richards and Chris Farley.” Everybody is treating me like I’m some kind of bumbling, drunk, buffoon. Well, Richards and Farley were pretty talented guys ya idiots. This year I’m making resolutions so that by the end of the year I’ll get the freaking respect I deserve.

1. I ordered the Insanity Workout Program DVD. All I have to do now is open the package and start the workout. Easy peasy.

2. I’m using smaller glasses for my booze. I’ll have more drinks, but I’ll drink less each time.

3. I’m talking with a British accent. I want to be prime minister someday and all prime ministers have British accents. Fact.

4. I’ll give more money to the homeless (if they have a special talent). I’m excited to contribute to those less fortunate as long as they dance for me.

5. I’m canceling the pride parade in my city. Being gay is nothing to be proud of people.

6. I’m watching more of the Real Housewives and the Kardashians. They know how to make the kind of money that allows you to have more time to be horrible to people.

7. I’m giving the high school football team I coach Division 1 college status. This will prove to my critics that my coaching is more important than making court dates or council meetings.

8. I’m taking a twerk class. Twerking is a great way to get in shape and be famous.

9. I’m not going to threaten to kill anyone anymore. Threatening to kill this guy got me in a lot of trouble. I’m going to keep my mouth shut and just kill people when I want to. No more threats.

10. I’m replacing crack with 2C-E. Crack is a dirty habit for peasants. It’s time to grow up and be sophisticated by taking a dangerous designer drug.

As you can see from this list, I am going to have the best year of my life and show everybody how smart I am. Once I rule all of Canada land I’m coming for you America.

Yours Truly

Mayor Foard