Growing Up Gay in Malaysia
In conjunction to Pride month, I would like to share a little bit about growing up gay in Malaysia. Let’s start with a background description first. My name is Rahimie and I have been attracted to men for as long as I can remember. I explicitly remember when I was five, my older brothers and father liked to watch wrestling matches, and I got a funny feeling looking at topless men holding onto each other—but the same feeling did not come when I watched women wrestle. As a child, I was extremely confused about that feeling, but it didn’t bother me until much later in my life.
I first learned the word ‘gay’ when I was about ten or eleven years old. I was playing tag with my friends, and my English teacher saw we were being too ‘touchy’ I guess, and she just told us, “Do you know what people call others who like the same gender? They’re gay”. I didn’t know why she told us about it; we were children and we were playing tag. Come to think of it, it wasn’t necessary to tell us that because we were kids and we didn’t know anything. I still don’t see the relevance. In primary school, I didn’t have any crushes on any of the other kids, male or female. This makes me sure that I had an innocent and pure childhood.
Skip to when I was 13 years old. I got to learn about sex because this is when the grooming started. (I won’t touch on that because I already wrote an article about it. You can check it out on my stories.) Anyway, you know how during puberty you experience attraction and become curious? Well, I was both of that and also confused because I didn’t seem to be attracted to girls like the other boys. To fix this and conform myself to the norm, I decided to get a girlfriend. I think I was a good boyfriend, but the attraction toward men didn’t go away as I expected.
When I was 15, I started to experience depression and existential crisis. I grew up in a religious environment because I went to a religious school and my parents were observant Muslims. At this point in my life, I thought to myself Why do I have attraction toward men and not women? I often cried and prayed for answers and for God to change me—to make me normal. I could say it was the worst stage of my life. I wished I hadn’t been born at all and I started to have suicidal thoughts. I questioned my existence. I often asked God, “Why did you create me in such a way that is not the norm, and what is the purpose of me living?” I often did this after every prayer because I thought my very existence was a mass of sins. For a long period of time, I just thought that I was a walking embodiment of sin. I couldn’t accept myself for having a different sexual orientation.
In school, what I wished the most was a place for me to safely express my feelings. I really wanted to talk to someone whom I could trust with this secret. It was emotionally tough for me to suppress everything inside. To add insult to injury, my friends and teachers kept on pressuring me with hate speech on the LGBT movement in the West. It planted a constant fear and anxiety in me. Every day when I woke up, I was too afraid and paranoid of being caught by the teachers or my friends telling on me to my parents. I was afraid of being sent to therapy or the asylum or the prison for just being different. This period of time sucked but Alhamdulillah nothing really bad happened to me except the sexual grooming part.
After getting tired of depression and denial, I started to pray to God for peace and self-acceptance. I just asked him if this is right, if you created me this way and it’s fine, please allow me to accept and embrace myself. School ended when I was 18 and I started my university life. At this point, I made a few friends who were like-minded. Like I said before, I didn’t really have anyone at school or at home to talk to about my sexual orientation, but at university the friends I made seemed to be open-minded and they didn’t immediately judge me for my sexual orientation.
At university, I came out to two friends at first and it was a relief that they didn’t lash out at me for being a walking sin. They were around to listen to me. At this point of my life, I had fully accepted myself for who I am. I came out to many other friends and their response was unbelievable: they told me it’s okay to be gay and I just felt grateful. Finally, I was getting validation for my existence. To me, this was a sign that God created me this way and it is definitely okay; nothing was mentally wrong with me.
In 2015, I decided to break off with my girlfriend. I didn’t tell her right away that I was gay, and I tried to make the relationship work, but instead I conjured other excuses because I was too afraid to tell her about my sexual orientation. I feel extremely guilty about it because she was basically in love with me for five years, and I was pretending to be straight. I don’t know how to phrase it well. I admit I was a jerk for making her fall in love with me and for wasting five years of her life, but I just couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I think she still hates me to this day.
In 2017, I decided to come out to the whole world because I just couldn’t be myself in real life but not on social media. I was basically wearing a straight façade and the funny thing is a lot of my friends thought I was straight. Talk about being a good actor. After coming out, I didn’t get a lot of backlash. Nobody was on my tail or mean to me. Many of my friends verbally told me that they don’t care about my sexual orientation, that they want to be my friends because I am a good person and that melted my heart.
My family didn’t throw me out. I wouldn’t say that they accept me for being gay, but they just don’t stick their noses—and that’s better than sending me to conversion camp or talking to me about the sins of being gay. I was not depressed about my sexual orientation anymore.
Honestly, at first I thought it was contradictory to be Muslim and gay at the same time, but I personally don’t see the harm. I can definitely find my place in Islam. I established a good relationship with God and I always pray for more acceptance and tolerance in Malaysia.
Which brings us to the topic of Malaysian society. I don’t know where to begin telling the things LGBTQ individuals face in Malaysia. There are just so many and people who are against LGBT try their hardest to not notice what’s going on. Let’s begin at the individual level. I have known some people who have been kicked out of their house by their family because they are not ‘normal’. These people reach out to an LGBT organization for a place to sleep and it’s wonderful to see we’re here to help each other out. There are a few shelters for trans people who were abandoned by their families.
Speaking of trans people, they face the most discrimination in Malaysia when we talk about LGBT. They are denied of occupations because their transition is easily identified either through their physical appearance or their identity card. Trans people cannot legally change their gender on their identity card so it is very easy to pinpoint them. To survive, they opt to either work for the private sector or get into business that includes sex work. I do believe that because they are denied of job opportunities, they are pushed to do sex work. People have been in an uproar about sex work in Malaysia because we are an ‘Islamic’ country that has a demand for sex work. I firmly believe that if they were given equal opportunities and access, they would not opt for sex work.
Trans women are the group of people who have faced the most violence. We have got a few cases where the cops ignored a report from a trans woman who was harassed. Some trans women were beaten to death. A gay couple was harassed and also beaten by a crowd for being alone in a car, and I still can’t believe there are people who claim LGBT individuals do not face discrimination.
In addition to that, we have politicians who deny us of our existence. Some LGBT individuals who have contributed to the country have been discredited by them. We were also told to keep our ‘glamorous lifestyle’ in private where we are most vulnerable to sexual predators.
Some schools organize unofficial gay hunts. Some students are targeted as exhibiting potential ‘gay characteristics’ like being feminine, dressing up smart or having a neat haircut, as if these traits are the only things that define gay men. This is a blatant overgeneralization of the gay community. These students who may or may not identify as gay are sent to so-called ‘rehab centers’ to make them straight, which is utterly nonsensical.
To end on a good note, finding out about other Malaysian LGBTQ individuals just made me feel like I belong here. I began to feel that I was not alone. There are others who have faced similar experiences as I did. Some chose to abandon religion because they think it’s too much to be Muslim and gay, while some chose to harmonize the two, but my point here is about self-acceptance.
Seeing many people beginning to accept themselves for who they are just lights up my world. I feel happier that we don’t have to pretend to be someone we’re not whenever we’re with people. Malaysia is beginning to change its attitude toward LGBT. We’re far from total acceptance, but I believe we’re on the right track. Slowly but surely.
Last but not least, I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Pride Month. You are valid no matter what gender you identify with or what sexual orientation you are.
