I'm not going back to sleep

I never want to sleep again. But this is not about me being so hungry for every single experience my life could unravel into, that I can not possibly fathom wasting a single second on unconsciousness and seriously concerning nightmares.

Like the one where I got shot five times.

Or the one where a boy murdered another boy with an electric toothbrush.

No.

What it is … is that I find it extremely exhausting, having to struggle for a whole day in order to build up the necessary energy to get something done, in order to reach that head space, in order to get an illusion of control, to care less, to fear less.

For me, it’s a lot.

And then, sometime around midnight, it happens. It clicks, and I seem to have found a track, or a course of water to follow south, a continuous guideline to never leave my sight, so that I know that yes, this can be done. Because look at the proof, a sign carved in stone by the nails of someone I was, maybe, last week. Or maybe never.

So after all this, after the most horrifyingly meaningless, suffocating 24 hours, that barely even crawled across the split second that was this day, yet somehow went too fast, you want me to give it up, close my eyes, surrender to some acid trip dream, and … RESET?

You want me to wake up tomorrow with nothing but a void, a memory, a sense of utter impossibility and dread, and another Eternity.zip sort of thing to get through? You want me to wake up remembering that once, someone did these things, but being unable to comprehend that I used to be that person? Because I am not anymore, and every day I have to come up with a design for the darkness that I let slip, so that it passes as normal. Decorative, even. Pretty, if I try hard enough.

I envy those of you who do this naturally. Who carelessly let yesterday go, because tomorrow is a second nature to them. Because they have lived in a world of tomorrow forever. I envy you, every single waking moment.

But do not expect this of me.

I am not ready, I am not all right, and I am not going to sleep.

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