I Survived Child Grooming
At the age of 21, I realized something from eight years back in my life. On the cusp of adulthood, I began to venture into so many things and learn about my past life that it affected me greatly. I have been blaming myself for all the insufficiency of being a moral and religious person who can prevent himself from being involved in vices.
When I was 13, my parents gave me the permission to let me choose the high school that I wanted to attend, and therefore, I followed the majority of my friends to a boarding religious school about one hour from my house. Being in that school reassured me that I might recover from the thoughts I had since I was five years old, which is that I have an attraction towards the same gender.
I was a fragile and timid kid so I would do whatever what I was told to avoid any mishaps if I did not comply. Being in a boarding school in Malaysia means juniors cannot be ‘rude’ to the seniors and have to heed every order or face regrettable consequences. We did not want to get beaten so we were basically Cinderellas doing the seniors’ laundry, cleaning up the room, washing the toilets, and so many other things. They justified their actions by saying they were treated that way so it is tradition for new ‘fish’ to be servants. There was a place of power that we did not have because telling on the seniors will just cause us to be beaten more and isolated. When a junior tells the teachers he is bullied, the other seniors will beat him up and tell the other juniors to ostracize him.
I did not mind if the seniors asked politely to help them out because I like helping people. However, I was taken advantage of. It all started when a senior asked me to massage his back. I complied because he asked me politely and I thought it wouldn’t hurt just by massaging a person. To my surprise the senior asked me to put my hand where I did not want to. I declined because it was extremely uncomfortable. He did not heed my declination and proceeded to take my hand and put it on his penis. He asked me to touch it and stroke it. I told him off by saying I don’t know how to do it and he held my hand and moved it. Soon after that he asked me to do so many things that I did not want to do. My hands did not want to do what they did, my mouth did not want to do what it did, and my body did not want to do what it did.
After he was done, I got out of his room and went to my room feeling discombobulated with my actions. I really thought that it was only a one-time thing. To my surprise, the next week he came to my room and repeated the same thing, asking me to do things I did not want to do. My thought process was I have to do it because if I didn’t, there will be consequences and if I screamed my roommates will think that I was a horrible and sexually-driven person. I was powerless; I had no choice but to comply. He did not just stop there because it was not just him. I think he told some of his friends about his night visits to my room to take advantage of a naïve kid because after him some other seniors came. My nights were filled with unwillingness and self-shaming.
The following year, I decided to transfer to another school because I had had it with all the sins I committed. My father asked me the reason why I wanted to transfer. I was afraid to tell him the truth so I just told him the school was too far. (Talking about sexual things is not a norm in Malaysia and sex education is frowned upon even though it has a lot of benefits.)
I had thought that my problems would go away once I transferred to another religious school. Starting over was my only motivation to reclaim what was taken from me in my past. On the contrary, it got worse. The students in the new school were much more unreserved. I met some seniors who had the same inclination as I do. I thought at the time, they would give me answers but what they gave me was more negative encouragement to accept whatever had happened because I was ‘special’. I don’t blame them for what they did because in my heart, I think they were also groomed. I don’t have to proceed to what happened the next seven years because I think readers can connect the dots.
Every time I go to my social media, I could see these seniors who had groomed me being happy with their lives. Some are even married and have children. I feel the need to ruin their lives because it is not fair that they got to get away with what they did and enjoy life. Meanwhile, I am scarred with my tragic past. It is unfair that I cannot have redemption but I don’t want to hold grudges because it is not my position to do so. I cannot feel outraged because some part of me believed I deserved it and some part of me just wants to move on with life.
I never asked for this to happen. I never wanted to explore my sexuality through this because I am a God-conscious person. It happened not because of what I was wearing or because I am gay, but because I was a child who could not know better.
I was too young to know that what I was doing was wrong. I was manipulated, I was tricked, I was taken advantage of, I was used like a tool, my inner thoughts were used against me by these horrible monsters, my belief was misguided and now I pay the price by having something permanent in my body, in my life. No child should experience this. With the rise of paedophilia, we should be more concerned about our children so that they will not encounter predators, virtually and physically. This is what power can do if wielded by irresponsible people. Something like this happens all over boarding schools in Malaysia—and the impact is immeasurable.
My advice for the people who have gone through what I have is to have an excellent support system that can validate you and also point out your insufficiencies so that you can become a better person. Other than that, try to find a coping mechanism to whatever side effects you experience throughout your reclaiming journey. I have forgiven these seniors who have groomed me because it is a waste of time for me to be bitter and sad about the past all the time. I thank all my friends who have been there for me in tears and laughter when getting through this traumatic event. In time, I discovered myself and I feel grateful for the identities I go by. Now, I am a happy practicing Muslim Malay gay man who is trying to make the best out of this life for the life in the hereafter.
