If you think you’re a procrastinator, I have good news for you

Well, I watch a lot of anime. It is my favorite way to genuinely convince myself that I’ll do the dishes once this episode is over, or study, or finish editing that horrible poem called “Bougainvilleas,” which I wrote back in March. Also, in my humble opinion, I have the best anime recommendations, and may even write an article about them someday.

If you point a gun to my head and order me to name my favorite anime shows, before even crying, I will have named, like, 15 of them as quick as a thought. But there is this one anime that I will never tell anybody about.

Because it is just so dear to me. Therefore, I prefer to remain discreet and circumspect in the unlikely event that it’s brought up because nobody will ever understand. Even those few people who know I love it probably don’t know that I do so with so much passion and ferocity in my heart. I love that anime crazily. All the way to Pluto.

Don’t try guessing it, though. You probably don’t know it because it’s pretty old and, well, that was enough information.

That ‘anonymous’ show inspired me to write a novel about life, friendship, poverty, and grief, which, by the way, I still haven’t finished. I mean, it’s 50,000 words long so far, and I didn’t even get to the point of it. I wanted to include all the lessons I had learned from the show in the novel—that’s how rich with wisdom and emotion it is. I cannot string words together to describe just how phenomenal it is.

Anyway, you get the picture.

When I watched it, I would switch from doing my math homework and resuming to smile, cry, and scream at my laptop screen every twenty minutes. And while every episode touched my heart and some made me cry, the second last episode dared to break the mold and be the saddest, most sorrowful of all.

I had put on an impassive expression while walking out of my room to the bathroom, before exploding, my eyes spilling tears like two large pots boiling over. By the end of my crying session, the towel (yes, towel) that I used was wet with tears, without any single dry spot left.

I was not even being dramatic.

The episode that follows would be the last. My exams and fear of confronting my emotions kept pulling me back. When I said I would watch the last episode in an hour, that hour became a day, which then became a week. Then I kept procrastinating some more, because I was also scared to face the reality of what was going to happen. I was freaking out because the episode I’d stopped at was a cliffhanger. I could not stop wondering what would follow.

It’s been three long years.

Three years and I’m still wondering. Still questioning whatever even happened to my favorite fictional character, my first fictional crush.

I was watching it back in February 2014, hoping to finish writing my novel by 2016, and neither of these has happened yet.

Think about it: I procrastinated about studying through watching anime, which I also procrastinated about.

That’s the sad thing about procrastination. Sometimes it’s not that you don’t want to do that thing—most of the time, you really want to do that thing. You really want to read that book, watch that documentary, learn that language, but there’s something, whether fear, laziness, or simply not being in the mood, holding you back. And remember that procrastination can be a very psychologically destructive habit. When somebody says “Fuck me,” do not always assume that they’re horny. Maybe they just hate themselves.

Personally, procrastination made me despise myself and feel worthless because while everyone had done their homework at school, I had merely written the date at the top of the page before falling into a deep daydream. I never even checked my grades at the end of semesters throughout all my four years of high school, until I did that on a whim after graduating from my senior year, giggling mockingly at the days gone by.

So yeah. The bottom line is, if you ever think you procrastinate too much, just remember my ongoing three-year long delay to watching the last episode of a show I deeply, wholeheartedly, and intensely admired. And maybe, just maybe, you will feel a whole lot better about yourself.