Why Are We Afraid of Failure?

We often perceive the word “failures” as something bad. The main definition of failure can be different depending on how we look at it, but we share the common idea that failure is something devastating. Failure happens when we feel we don’t meet our expectations.

I grew up in a typical family, with a mom, a dad, and an older sister. My older sister plays a big part of my life especially about our education life. I often see her as a really smart person, critical and creative, while I’m the opposite. She went to what is considered the best school in my city. She spent her early 20s in the most prestigious university in Indonesia. I do not think she is my role model, but I do look up to her most of the time.

I always feel afraid of failure. I grew up watching my sister and I have felt motivated to be like her. In 2011, I went to a Christian private junior high school. Before entering the school, I came from a good elementary school, where everyone is expected to enter public junior high school. I must list this as my first big failure in my life, because it changed my life. Throughout my three years in junior high, I became ambitious. I remember one event in 2014. When I received my national exam result, my teacher said that I got an excellent score in English: 98 (98/100). However, I was actually upset because I had set a goal for myself to get a perfect 100 for this subject.

Another episode came a few years later. In 2017, I was facing the hardest part of my youth, as I didn’t get into my dream college. Fun fact: It is the same school as my sister’s former university. I felt the presence of my sister haunting me during the few months before the college entrance exam. I had the strong desire to enter the same school as my sister, but I also knew how difficult that would be to achieve. My feelings were right: I didn’t pass after trying three times. I was devastated. Meanwhile, many of my friends got into that school. I considered myself a failure.

I’m in my sophomore year in college right now. I have often found myself crying in the middle of the night only watching my laptop turned on without writing anything for my assignment because I feel I’m not good enough. My failures developed into the feeling that I’m simply not good enough.

I always work so hard and get stressed so easily. I always fear failure because based on my previous experiences, it is so hard to face it. No matter how hard I try, I always catch myself crying over the feelings of self-hatred I get from my own works.

I try so hard to distract myself with many activities, but it has only given me temporary relief. I am soon overcome once again by my fear of failure, and I don’t know how to make it away.

I guess I will always be wondering why I feel like this. Perhaps it’s something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Do any of you also feel like this? How have you gotten over it?