Stop Being Sorry!
No, I’m not a jerk. Hear me out
I’ve had a share of bad habits in my time as an anxious kid. Nail biting, procrastination, hair twisting and more. These are the habits I joke about with friends, or stay lax on actually fixing. There was a habit, I had to stop however. I indulged daily, without even realizing it. It’s a sneaky, subtle habit that flew under the radar until it was brought to my attention. Over-apologizing.
Why “Sorry” Isn’t Always Necessary
Let me start off with this: apologies, in essence, are a good thing. When you’ve done wrong, hurt feelings or messed up in any way, saying “sorry” is crucial. It’s the first thing we do to take responsibility for our actions. It’s a way to show you care about the impact of your actions, we learn this as children.
Many of us (like myself) have fallen into the trap of apologizing for things that don’t warrant an apology. Have you ever caught yourself saying “sorry” when someone else bumps into you? Apologizing for asking a question, as if your need for clarification is an inconvenience?
If you are nodding your head yes, you are not alone in needing to break this habit.
Over-apologizing for a while I looked at as a verbal tic. A martial arts instructor of mine brought it up to me when I was 10 or 11 for apologizing when I thought I was halting the class by asking for clarification. It can have deeper implications for not only how others see you, but how you see you.
When “sorry” becomes your go-to response, it sends a message that your constantly at fault or that your very presence is somehow an imposition. Spoiler: it’s not.
Why We Over-Apologize
Why do we feel the need to apologize for things that aren’t our fault or that don’t require an apology? From my own independent research as a dorky teenager, I’ve learned that it comes from social conditioning.
When we are young, many of us are taught to be polite, to keep the peace and avoid conflict. It’s drilled into us to be agreeable and not make waves. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being considerate.
Essentially, this mindset lead to a vernacular overactive apology reflex.
I think my own over-apologizing was tied to low self-esteem or anxiety. I was constantly worried about being an extra burden or making a mistake; apologizing preemptively to smooth over any potential issue.
A way to protect myself from criticism or rejection, maybe.
Instead of protecting you, it undermines you in ways you may not realize.
The Ripple Effect
Apologizing may seem harmless in the moment, but over time can have a significant impact on your own perception of yourself and how others see you. I believe over-apologizing directly internalized the idea I’m always in the wrong or that I need to minimize my presence. Self-sabotage that chips away at your own confidence.
Apologizing is often associated with wrongdoing or failure. When you apologize unnecessarily, it creates the impression that you’re less confident and competent than you really are.
Starting your sentence with “I’m sorry, but…” you’re essentially framing your statement as something that needs justification or defense rather than something that deserves to be heard.
Think about it: if you constantly apologize for things that don’t require an apology, people will start to believe you’re actually at fault- or worse, that you’re someone who can be disregarded or taken advantage of. Like you’re unintentionally giving others permission to treat you like you’re always in the wrong. Who needs that?
What It Does
It does not just effect how others see you but yourself in your own eyes. Every time you apologize unnecessarily, you’re reinforcing a belief that you’re somehow less worthy and capable.
It’s telling yourself that your needs, your voice and opinions don’t matter as much as those around you; leading to a diminished sense of self-worth and a lack of confidence in your abilities.
The habit feeds into your anxiety. When you’re constantly apologizing, you’re more likely doing it out of fear of conflict or wanting to avoid negative judgement. Here’s the kicker: the more you apologize, the more you reinforce the idea that there’s something to be anxious about in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle, man.
Personal Relationships
A prime example and one of the first shocks where I realized that this habit has to stop was 13 year old me was in love. We’d argue because it was serious and I’d always apologize for her angry feelings in reaction to me voicing over my own discomfort.
This created an imbalance of power. I was always apologizing leading to myself being an over-submissive partner at the expense of my own feelings.
It wasn’t a false apology either, I believed I was in the wrong. Always willing to take the blame and smooth things over when it wasn’t really my responsibility.
This made it extremely difficult for me to assert my needs, set boundaries and have difficult conversations. I vowed to never let that toxicity into my life again.
There is a flip side as well. Always apologizing can make others feel uncomfortable as well. It can put you and your partner in a position where they feel a constant weight to reassure you or start questioning why you’re apologizing in the first place- leading to the question of if your apologies are authentic at all.
Breaking The Habit
How do you break free from the trap? First step is awareness. Pay attention to how much you apologize, and why. Determine whether you are saying sorry out of habit or if there is a genuine need for one.
Are you apologizing for things out of your control? For simply taking up space?
Identifying your triggers is key to replace unnecessary apologies with more assertive language.
My karate instructor broke it down like this.
Don’t take AWAY the apology, but substitute it and stick up for yourself.
Instead of “Sorry for bothering..”
Say…
“Thank you for your time.”
Do you get it?
Shifting your language into a cordial appreciation and breaking the habit of over-apologizing reciprocates your gratitude while also maintaining your self-worth.
Your voice matters. Your needs are valid and you do not need to apologize for simply being yourself.
Breaking habits always feels uncomfortable. With practice, you’ll find that you can still be polite and considerate without defaulting to apology.
Personally, it is empowering.
When you stop apologizing unnecessarily, you’ll see that when you do apologize, it carries more weight. It’s more meaningful because it’s not diluted in an over-saturated apologies.
By recognizing it and and making small changes to your language, you start to break free from the apology trap and start communicating with confidence and clarity.
Self-Confidence Is The Only Confidence
Without confidence and sense of self-worth, interactions in day-to-day life seem a lot bigger than they may really be. Cutting these words out is not just because it’s unnecessarily over-used. You’ll become more confident in these interactions, whether in your professional or personal life.
You’ll start to see yourself as the person who is deserving of respect, not because you’re polite but because you’re worthy of being heard.
Stopping the excessive apologies helped decrease my anxiety, and now I am rather un-apologetic.
I am not worried anymore about how others perceive me. I can engage in conversation with more confidence and less self-doubt.
A small change that can lead to big improvements in your overall well-being.
Stop Saying Sorry (So Much)
Next time you find yourself about to say “sorry” for something that doesn’t deserve an apology, take a moment to rethink your response.
Chances are, there’s a better way to express yourself.
Breaking the habit won’t happen overnight, but with a little bit of practice and a lot of self-awareness, you’ll be able to kick this sneaky bad habit to the curb. When you do, you might just find this world doesn’t need as many apologies as you think.
