The Adventures of Floating Clausewitz Head: OODA and the Journey Into The Chinese Room, Part IV

Continued from the previous installment…….

As Third Impact occurred, Clausewitz Head withdrew into this mind and was confronted with his most shameful secret: his inferiority complex regarding his rivalry with Jomini. A taunting Jomini materialized and insulted him.

At first, Clausewitz was paralyzed. He could not fight Jomini. What was his purpose?

But then, the 300 theme began to play.

Jomini morphed into a smirking Napoleon.

Napoleon sent an emissary to ask Clausewitz to surrender.

“Be afraid!” The emisssary said. “Prussia will burn to the ground. The thousand nations of the Napoleonic Empire descend upon you.”

“What must a strategist do to save his world?” Clausewitz asked Marie Clausewitz.

“Ask what a Floating Clausewitz head would do,” Mare replied.

Clausewitz ripped off his shirt and kicked the emissary down a bottomless hole, screaming “THIS IS PRUSSIA!”

A great, apocalyptic battle began between Napoleon and Clausewitz. Just when Clausewitz was about to lose, the ghost of his mentor Scharnhorst appeared.

“Turn off the targeting computer Clausewitz,” Scharnhorst said. “Use the Strategy.”

“I give you permission to assume your final form,” Marie said.

Marie’s face darkened and then she screamed “CLAUSEWITZ! SEARCH AND DESTROY!”

And with that, Floating Clausewitz Head began to glow as he transformed into his terrifying Final Form.

First, Clausewitz fixed bayonets and charged the Confederate forces, as Robert E. Lee frantically looked back at his Jomini textbooks and said “I COPIED NAPOLEON WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING WRONG THIS SHIT WAS GUARANTEED TO WORK I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”

Heavy cavalry charged the French lines:

Clausewitz Proxy 2 Rax’d

and just when Napoleon was about to respond……BOOM NOSCOPE

Napoleon ragequit!!!!!

Clausewitz finally reached the end of his journey, and was faced with a white-haired man at the heart of the Matrix.

“Tell me, how did the general become impersonated by the pr0nbot?” Clausewitz asked.

The answer was: “it is a long, convoluted philosophical debate but let me start out by saying that computers are hella dumb. “

COMPUTERS ARE NEAR-OMNIPOTENT cauldrons of processing power, but they’re also stupid. They are the undisputed chess champions of the world, but they can’t understand a simple English conversation. IBM’s Watson supercomputer defeated two top Jeopardy! players last year, but for the clue “What grasshoppers eat,” Watson answered: “Kosher.” For all the data he could access within a fraction of a second — one of the greatest corpuses ever assembled — Watson looked awfully dumb.

Clausewitz settled in for what he knew would be a long discussion.

Meanwhile, having failed to convince the military to give it autonomy, the self-aware F-35 decided to pen an angry anonymous post for Task and Purpose describing why it was quitting the military. It adopted the pen name “Anna Granville.”

To be continued……..

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