An NFL Fan’s Guide to Tweeting like Trump

Treat rival fans and teams like the LOSERS! they are.

NFL preseason is upon us. Your team is awesome. Their team, city, star player, logo, regionally popular food of choice, job, car, wife, mom, dog, and baby all suuuuuucccckkkk. Here are 7 tips from The Donald’s timeline guaranteed to take your sports hate viral.

What The Donald can do for your tweet game.

Tip 1 — ID your enemy. Trump knows that hot takes get hotter when they target an enemy that is easily identifiable as the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world. So pick someone you believe people will really connect with and universally loathe. A human metaphor for modern villainy. For the purposes of this tutorial, we’ll go with the obvious choice — Ben Rothlisberger.

So very loathsome.

Tip 2 — Nicknames matter. This is a real key to Trump’s social media mastery. Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco — each one a linguistic somersault that the human mind can’t help but find delightful. So just start brainstorming. In the early phases, remember that all ideas are good ideas and you wanna build off of each groundbreaking insult until you really get the creative juices flowing. After a couple of hours, Ben Roethlisberger will become Ben “Accused of Sexual Misconduct” Roethlisberger and boom! A truthy news story from 5 or 6 years ago mixed with a brilliant Ben/been pun and the groundwork for virality has been laid.

Ben loving his new nickname.

Tip 3 — Embrace hyperbole. If you want your tweets to trend each Sunday, you need to capture the imagination of your followers. President Obama didn’t remove troops from Iraq because he had to by law, he did it because HE IS THE FOUNDER AND MVP OF ISIS!!!! TRUE!!! Just like the Steelers didn’t win 4 Superbowls in the seventies because their team was loaded with Hall of Famers, they did it because THEIR VEINS WERE LOADED WITH ANABOLIC STEROIDS!!! TRUE!!!

Lots of people are saying lots of things that might be true! Are they? Who knows? I don’t know. But lots of people are saying them and it’s pretty sad really. Very, very sad.

Tip 4 — Act unhinged. “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that @BarackObama’s birth certificate is a fraud.” Did this happen? Who cares! It’s batshit crazy and the internet loves it some batshit crazy. For example, someone once told me they saw a guy dressed in what looked like a Pittsburgh jersey kick a dog. A dog! Was that dog-kicker Ben “Accused of Sexual Assault” Roethlisberger?!? No one knows and quite frankly no one has the time or energy to find out. Tweet and let the Internet decide!

Be the batshit tweet you want to see in the world.

Tip 5 — Confidence is key. “Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest — and and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.” Trump’s rivals shall know his greatness and so should your’s. Who cares if your team’s long term goal is graduating from toxic landfill of broken dreams to simple dumpster fire?!? They’re the best goddamn team in the history of ever. Browns rookie QB Cody Kessler accidentally ran out of the back of the end zone for a safety in his first ever NFL game?!? Whatevs. Bet after the game he banged your girlfriend. Super Bowl, baby.

Dare to dream, fellow Browns fans.

Tip 6 — End with a flourish. The Donald’s one-word signature sign-offs are legendary. Bad! Wrong! Idiot! Loser! Punctuate your tweets with the same simple logic and watch the retweets roll in.

Tip 7 — Have fun. Let’s end on a quote! “Many are saying I’m the best 140 character writer in the world. It’s easy when it’s fun.” This tip comes straight from Trump’s own timeline and it’s fair to say each word should be gilded in solid gold. Happiness is the truth, my friend. Identify your Big Ben and let the tweetstorm begin. Your followers will thank you and your rivals will beg for mercy. Losers!

Me getting my retweets.

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