Gold Medal Dad-ing in the City of Champions

USA, Australia, and the making of awesome offspring.

The Olympics are on and every night in my house is a whole fucking thing. We love them. Like Seth & Summer, Matt & Ben, Kanye & Kanye looooove them. No one has slept in like a week.

Some context. I have a 9 year-old son and an 11 year-old daughter. David & Anna. Anna’s name is the result of much brainstorming and baby books and googling. David, not so much. He got my name because that’s apparently what we do in my family.

Anyway, Phelps, Lochte, Walsh, Ledecky, King, Aly, Simone, Laurie, etc., are happening at our house. And so is KYRIE THE CHAMPION and the men’s bball team. Nike.com, 2-day shipping, jersey-to-prove-it happening. So what if every game is a joke and we have to watch Draymond fucking Green and Klay fucking Thompson and Kevin fucking Durant? Doesn’t matter. KYRIE THE CHAMPION. We’re watching on the big TV with Costco chips and salsa fresh from the Farmer’s Market. Don’t judge us.

Here’s the why. Fatherhood is about a lot of things. Mostly though, it’s about making your kids awesome. Last night, USA vs Australia was teaching life lessons and someday my kids will surely thank me for patiently dad-splaining each and every one. So young and so #blessed :)

Lesson 1. The Golden State Warriors are the worst. This was easy because Draymond Green exists and Klay Thompson was born up 30 and thought talking shit in The Finals to a kid born on the wrong side of Akron wasn’t gonna end in a massive karmic nut shot. The first sign of pressure in Rio and — right on cue — KD and the boys superteamed their way to zero combined points in the fourth quarter. Kids — don’t grow up to be self-righteous, entitled, assholes. Self-righteous, entitled, assholes are not awesome.

Lesson 2. Michigan sucks. This one they’ve heard before. It’s my legacy. I’m Michael Keaton in the remake of My Life and I have but one thing to say, “Michigan sucks.” So, with Draymond Spartan Green on my TV, I made sure to mention it. Like 15 times. Also — David — no dick pics “accidentally” posted on Snapchat. You’re from Ohio. Act awesome.

Lesson 3. Show gratitude. People matter and when someone does something awesome, something that touches your heart, something genuine and true and pure — that person deserves an expression of appreciation. So, Anna, take a break from double-tapping Kylie lip kits on Instagram and listen to your Dad for a minute. The citizens of the US of A should be goddamn grateful that Cleveland exists. Because it means KYRIE THE CHAMPION exists. And without him the Australians would have run through us like Tay Tay runs through fake boyfriends. (Disclaimer: Tay Tay has the right to do whatever she wants I was just trying to make a point and all hail new feminism and smart girls and etc. Ugh. Fatherhood is brutal.)

Lesson 4. Trump can build his stupid wall. Make it a thousand feet tall. As long as people are out there like MATTHEW DELLAVEDOVA then there will be people lining up to bust right through the big, dumb, gold-encrusted thing with a smile. Kids, what makes you different makes you awesome. Also, kangaroos can box and, while we’re on the topic, life is too short for basic sneakers and I once had a rad pair of Roos WITH A TINY POCKET RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDE. Viva la Crocodile Dundee.

Lesson 5. Gymnastics are on. Ignore everything I just said. Laurie Hernandez just winked at the judges and then crushed her floor routine. That was awesome.

Kids…do that and the world is yours.