Anger in Kids: How To Control Child Anger?

When toddlers grow up, they get a better understanding of emotions and hence become capable of regulating them. Anger is the most passionate of all the negative emotions. Therefore, controlling anger and its impulses is the most challenging thing when it comes to learning to control emotions.

As per the National Research Council and Institute of Medicine, children, especially preschoolers, encounter feelings of disappointment, hurt, and distress every now and then.

Children who can control such emotions effectively are able to deal with tough situations in a constructive way.

Such children are not only able to regulate their emotions but are also able to better connect with other children and adults in school, at home, or in the playground.

However, those children who fail to learn how to control emotions like aggressive and disruptive impulses have a higher chance of having anger issues relative to the children who are able to control their emotions.

Furthermore, children who have behavior problems lack the ability to control their impulses are not easily accepted by their peers, and also perform poorly in school.

While children who are able to regulate their emotions and are good at problem-solving are not only accepted by peers but also perform well in school.

Thus, children facing behavioral problems like anger issues must first learn to recognize their own emotional triggers and responses. Only then will they be able to manage interpersonal conflict effectively.

Both parents and teachers play a significant role in child anger management by teaching kids about anger and by teaching kids to control anger and its impulses.

In this article, we are going to discuss when does anger in children turns into explosive behavior, child anger issues symptoms, anger management for children, and what are the various anger issues in children.

Child Anger Outbursts

Child Angry Outbursts refer to the temper tantrums or the fiercest of rages showcased by children in the form of shouting, screaming, lying on the floor, pounding fists, stamping, and maybe headbanging.

Temper tantrums are a common behavior in preschoolers. All children cross through life”s this phase of tempers and anger.

This is because anger tantrums are natural to occur at this age as toddlers or preschoolers are not able to make use of words to express their frustrations.

Anger tantrums usually occur at the age of 2 or 3 when children are trying to understand themselves.

For instance, a toddler may understand “me” or “my wants” but is however too small to understand how those wants would get satisfied.

Therefore, due to the lack of ability to use words and having a high amount of energy, toddlers make use of tantrums to get their wants met.

It is important to note that anger tantrums reach their peak between 2 and 3 years of age.

However, when a child turns 4 years old, these tantrums begin to decline.

The anger tantrums reach the highest level when a child is between 2 to 3 years of age. However, such temper tantrums begin to decline when kids are 4 years old.

Such tantrums are usually showcased by children publicly when they are asked not to engage in something they wish or desire to do.

Once the child’s want or wish gets fulfilled, he or she typically stops anger tantrums.

Now, When Do Anger Tantrums Turn Serious?

If such aggressive behaviors occur in children less than a year and more than 4 years of age and last for more than 15 minutes or occur three or more times in a day, then it is a matter that parents must take seriously.

In such cases, it is advisable that parents should seek the help of a psychologist, family therapist, a family physician, or go for child anger management therapy.

You must note here that anger tantrums in preschoolers are the early symptoms of children becoming gradually aggressive, undisciplined, and unmanageable as such children grow older.

Now, why are certain children not able to control their temper tantrums with age. The reasons can be many. As per a study, the following patterns were observed in kids getting angry:

• Parents of an angry kid were undergoing some kind of stressful event like chronic illness, divorce or unhappy marriage, financial crisis, etc.
• It is quite difficult for parents to control the disobedience of such an angry child.
• Parents do not stop their kids or engage in helping kids deal with anger tantrums, that is, they surrender.
• Since parents do not question their kids getting angry or displaying tantrums publicly, such children become disobedient and aggressive.
• Parents as well as peers do not accept the angry child.

So what exactly happens that there is anger in children’s behavior when they grow up. Three things happen step-by-step.

Steps Leading To Child Anger

• A parent angry at the child or a frustrated sibling yells or shouts at the child.
• In return, the child who has been yelled at, responds aggressively.
• Observing the child’s aggression, the attacker (parent or sibling) withdraws and thus the angry child learns tricks like yelling or whining to get his or her demands met.

Thus, Anger is a basic human response and is a normal, healthy emotion as it encourages us, humans, to resolve the problem that brought on the anger. All children experience angry emotions to varying degrees during childhood.

However, it is important for children to recognize their anger and express it in an appropriate and socially acceptable way.

Our society discourages anger as we encourage children to bottle it up instead of letting it out.

It is often explained to kids that bury anger deep within and you will get rid of anger. But this is not the case.

Anger does not disappear in most of the children who bottle it up. In fact, in the case of kids with anger issues, the anger simmers and then eventually explodes either in the form of verbal abuse or physical violence.

Therefore, parents, teachers, or caregivers have to make a collective effort in teaching kids to control anger. Anger needs to be managed rather than avoided completely.

What Causes Anger Issues in a Child?

There have been a lot of discussions about the experience and expression of a child with anger and anxiety issues. Various research studies have showcased that anger reflects negative emotions, cognitive processes, and behavioral approaches of an individual.

However, the Mental Health Foundation asserts that anger is an emotion that is aroused as a result of the social conditions incorporating threats or frustration.

Understanding the experience and expression of anger problems in kids is utterly important as anger overload in children has been linked to behavioral-conduct challenges and physical health problems.

In addition to this, certain studies showcase that these psychological and physical challenges faced by children have been shown to even continue into adulthood.

Therefore, it is quite important for parents as well as caregivers to learn to understand anger issues in kids so that they are helping children manage anger

So the following are the factors that cause feelings of anger in children.

1. Interactions With Peers

Anger gets instigated in children as a result of the way they perceive threatening or stressful environments or situations like peer provocation.

The way children react to such aversive situations directly influences their experience and expression of anger.

Children who express emotional concern with regards to peer provocation are better able to convey their feelings of sadness and have a desire to ease the social conflict with their peers.

However, children who get aroused and lack the ability to regulate emotions do not have the desire to come to terms with their peers socially.

Also, children who are not accepted by their peers have high levels of anger and are more likely to display anger in the form of facial and verbal expressions.

Whereas, non-rejected children have lower levels of anger attribution bias and are less likely to display anger in facial as well as verbal expressions.

2. Parent Modeling

As mentioned above, peer relations among children play a significant role in contributing to how a child feels and expresses emotions.

Likewise, whatever a child learns via observational learning from authority figures such as parents, teachers, and other caregivers also play an important role in shaping a child”s social and emotional environment.

As per research, a child’s emotions including anger reflect his parental and familial environment.

This is because parents, siblings, and other family members act as role models for younger children.

Case Study

A study concerning Observational Learning Patterns in children was conducted by a bunch of psychologists.

In this study, these psychologists compared the aggression level in children exposed to aggressive role models to the aggression levels in children exposed to role models having regulated or controlled emotions, especially anger.

These psychologists discovered that the children who were exposed to aggressive role models had double the level of aggression as compared to the children who had role models having to control over anger.

That is, parents who were often getting angry at kids were in turn making their kids more aggressive.

In addition to this, the study also revealed that the specific type of aggression that the role models displayed also impacted the form of aggression demonstrated by the children.

What Parents Need To Do?

Parents or caregivers need to be strong, positive, and good-natured in order to infuse emotionally sound and efficient modes of social interaction in kids.

Also, more recent findings suggest that the ability of a parent to control his emotions and negative behaviors in an effective way, that is, controlling temper with child, was highly correlated with postponing the anger expressed by a child.

Thus, it is extremely important for the parents to demonstrate constructive and supportive parenting as it helps in shaping the emotions in children.

So, parents must communicate the following emotional tools to their children:

• Validating children’s emotional experiences
• Helping children interpret and understand their emotions
• Assist them in developing problem-solving abilities in a collaborative way

But before undertaking the above activity, it is extremely important for parents to control their own emotional experiences and expressions, that is, controlling anger with child.

This is because the way parents emote has a great impact on the way a child emotes and reacts.

3. Child’s Own Reasoning Behind Expressing Anger

Besides peer interaction and parent modeling, children have their own reasons behind experiencing and expressing anger.

As per a study, in a hypothetical story, children predicted that the protagonist of the story would experience anger when they believed that he could change an undesirable situation.

However, children predicted sadness when they believed that it was impossible to change the situation.

Thus, whenever such kids experienced an unpleasant condition, they preferred to choose anger as a response rather than interpreting such an aversive condition as a loss.

Why did they choose anger as a response? This is because they perceive anger as an emotion that can be used to chase rewards as the energy that accompanies anger can be utilized to achieve what you wish or desire.

Therefore, parents need to understand one thing here that their children want to be heard and understood by them.

It was observed in a study of children between the ages of four to five and their parents that feelings of disappointment, powerlessness, worry, sadness, and frustration were the very reasons behind the anger in kids.

The children, who were a part of this study, revealed that they responded angrily due to the treatment they received from their own parents.

That is, the more children experienced a fear of losing personal power and autonomy, the more anger in children’s behavior to compensate for the feelings of loss was witnessed.

Therefore, it was observed that like adults, even children had a strong sense of desire to be heard and had personal worth.

So, whenever someone ignores them or denies their request, they feel disappointed which gives way to anger in kids.

4. Manner In Which Anger is Expressed

Expression of anger refers to the response of an individual whenever he experiences negative arousal.

How a child would emote while interacting socially would depend upon his understanding of the cultural guidelines.

There are many instances where children do not convey anger, either verbally or physically, due to the fear of damaging their reputation or relations with other individuals.

As a result of such a fear, these children suppress anger, that is, turn anger inwards instead of expressing it.

When this happens, the anger becomes internalized and is directed at oneself.

Such internalization of anger may lead to emotional as well as behavioral challenges like inability to adjust socially, having extreme behavior challenges, etc.

Besides this, suppression of anger also leads to physiological problems like high levels of blood pressure, glucose, and cortisol which in turn lead to cardiovascular problems.

However, the most common form of expressing anger is external expression.

As per the research, the external expression of anger in children depends upon the relational context in which it occurs.

The various ways in which externalized anger in kids occurs include:

• Aggressive facial expressions and noises like crying, screaming, etc.
• Using hostile verbal phrases such as name-calling
• Exhibiting physical gestures such as stamping feet
• Showcasing aggressive movements like hitting, kicking, etc.

Therefore, it is important to note here that children who express anger externally have unstable relations with their peers as well as parents.

5. Level of Maturity

As per research, older children express anger internally as compared to the younger ones who mostly express externally.

This means that the level of maturity in children also determines the level of anger in kids.

Older children and adolescents often believe that expressing anger externally is inappropriate, specifically with individuals other than their peers.

They tend to hide their feelings of anger when dealing with older adults such as their teachers.

But when it comes to expressing anger with their friends or peers, they restrict themselves relatively less.

In addition to this, older children or adolescents use socially acceptable ways of expressing anger such as:

• Humor,
• Explaining the reasons behind their feeling of anger and
• Making an effort to make peace with another individual in order to continue maintaining their relationship with them

On the contrary, extreme anger in toddlers is showcased externally.

This represents that social development in younger children is yet to happen compared to the older children who are more mature both emotionally and cognitively.

Therefore, children who experience challenges in their social, as well as emotional development, may develop socially disruptive patterns of behavior.

Such socially disruptive patterns may culminate in antisocial behaviors such as aggression and bullying later in childhood and adolescence.

In addition to the above, research also indicated that boys express anger more openly relative to the girls.

They express more anger in their behavior, verbalizations, and facial expressions as compared to the girls.

While girls, on the other hand, were less likely to express anger externally when they encountered a provoking situation. However, they actively asserted themselves.

The very reason behind the lesser likelihood of girls to express anger externally compared to the boys is because of the stereotype that it is more socially acceptable for males to express anger and aggression relative to the females.

6. Other Causes

Child angry outbursts on a regular basis take place usually because of distress.

This distress makes kids angry. There can be a number of reasons that makes your child come under distress and hence make him an angry child:

• ADHD
• Anxiety
• Trauma or Neglect
• Problems With Learning
• Sensory Processing Issues
• Autism

Child Anger Issues Symptoms

One of the first steps in helping kids with anger is to identify the symptoms of anger.

You can help your child understand the anger symptoms by asking him to imagine a hypothetical situation where he or she is getting bullied by the senior kids in school.

Then ask your child what options does he have in such a situation? He can either ignore his or her seniors and walk away (flight) or enter into a fight with them (fight).

Such a fight or flight response (amygdala hijack) is obvious to occur in a situation like this. There are certain physiological changes that the body undergoes under the influence of fight or flight response.

Therefore, by conducting such a hypothetical exercise, you can make your child aware of the physiological changes that his or her body undergoes when under the influence of anger.

The following are the symptoms of anger:

• Difficulty in concentrating
• Racing thoughts
• Pounding heart
• Sweaty hands and clenched fists
• Shivering, shaking, or trembling
• Feeling of breathlessness
• Disturbed sleep
• Wanting to run or react physically
• Churning in stomach
• Tensed muscles
• Clenching teeth
• Wanting to harm self or others
• Feeling anxious
• Feeling uneasy or on the edge
• Feeling tearful
• Restlessness
• Social withdrawal
• Change in appetite
• Changes in school achievements

The above-mentioned symptoms are the symptoms of anger, which is an acceptable and healthy emotion. It becomes worrisome when the child:

• Outbursts keep on occurring even after 7 or 8 years of age
• Behavior gets hurtful or harmful for himself or others
• Behavior gets out of control in school
• Behavior impacts his performance at school and his ability to interact with peers (that is, he faces peer rejection)
• Is depressed as he is unable to control his anger and feels ashamed

Therefore, when your child undergoes anger outbursts on a regular basis, it’s a signal that he or she is under distress.

So as a parent, the first thing that you need to do is understand the triggers that are responsible for causing anger in young children.

Now there can be various reasons that lead to anger in kids on a consistent basis:

1. Anxiety

One of the reasons behind your child’s angry and defiant behavior on a consistent basis is anxiety.

Anxiety is a condition in which the child experiences extreme, unrealistic worry that is completely unrelated to the recent events.

Anxious kids are generally self-conscious and tense about every aspect of life. They may suffer from pains or aches that do not have a physical base.

Then, there are few kids who are anxiety-ridden as they have unrealistic and excessive fears. These phobias focus on animals, storms, or situations like being in an enclosed space.

Besides this, some children may suffer repeated panic attacks due to immense fear without having any real cause behind such a fear.

Then, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is another mental condition that children may suffer as they get trapped in repetitive thoughts and behaviors.

Lastly, PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is another condition of anxiety in which the individual experiences strong memories, flashbacks, or troublesome thoughts of traumatic events.

Therefore, if your child undergoes any of the above mentioned mental conditions, they lash out and go into fight or flight mode.

2. Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

It”s a mental condition in which a child experiences a persistent pattern of inattention or hyperactivity and impulsivity that exceeds his typical age. Such impulsivity interferes with the child’s performance.

That is, under this condition, it is quite challenging for the child to concentrate, pay attention, sit still, and control his or her impulsive behavior.

Therefore, children suffering from ADHD display emotional outbursts. This is because their incapacity to concentrate on tasks can lead them to showcase tantrums and enter into arguments.

3. Autism

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder that typically impacts a child’s development in two aspects: restricted social communication or interaction and repetitive behaviors.

ASD presents a spectrum of symptoms and behaviors of varying intensities thereby representing pervading disorders like autism, pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS), and childhood disintegrative disorder (CDD).

Now, if your child is under this spectrum, he or she would typically display excessive rigidity and show resistance to change or non-functional routines.

Besides this, his or her behavior, sensory systems, and visual and auditory processing also get impacted.

This means that ASD impacts your child’s cognition, language, socialization, sensory issues, visual processing, and behavior.

4. Neglect or Trauma

Trauma occurs not only because of a terrorizing or disturbing event but also because of various other reasons like abuse, neglect, violence, etc.

If your kid showcases any of the challenges, there might be a possibility that he is under trauma or is experiencing neglect: increased signs of anxiety, depression, anger, irritability and anger, challenges with sleep and eating, problems focusing on work, negative thinking, etc.

In extreme cases, children can also develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in which children may exhibit fear, denial, fear, anger, unresponsiveness, and detachment.

5. Learning Disorders

Anger issues in children may also be due to undiagnosed learning disorders. Kids diagnosed with a learning disability may usually become frustrated, anxious, sad, irritable, and have low self-esteem.

Since there is a gap between what the child is capable of doing (ability) and what he actually does (aptitude), kids feel that they are not learning at the same pace as other kids and hence feel embarrassed.

They feel that they are dumb, feel singled-out, frustrated, and resentful. Therefore, as a parent, if you observe any of such signs in your kids, try to understand what troubles him instead of worrying about his school performance.

Parenting A Child With Anger Issues

Anger in kids creates challenges for parents and other caregivers as it culminates in stress and frustration for all the entities involved.

The Cycle of Anger comprises of three components:

• Feeling Anger
• Expressing Anger
• Understanding emotions

If parents and caregivers are aware of all these components, it helps parents as well as other caregivers in understanding how to guide and undertake anger management for kids.

The first stage in the anger cycle is the experience of emotions or feelings when the needs, wants, and goals of children are not met.

Child frustration and anger take place when he or she gets exposed to interactions that bring stress. Now, the emotions that provoke anger in kids get triggered when they become subject to:

• Physical assault
• Taunting, teasing, or bullying
• Rejection by peers
• Attack on personal space

The second phase in the anger cycle is the action or the manner in which children express their anger. As mentioned above, anger is expressed either internally or externally.

Some children express anger by either crying, shouting, talking, or retaliating physically or verbally. However, there are a few children who express anger by either avoiding or attempting to escape an unpleasant situation.

But, if suppression of anger is redirected and channelized in the right direction, it can turn out to be one of the healthy ways to express anger.

However, if anger is suppressed and turned inwards, then in such a case the interpersonal relationships of your child may get impacted and ultimately lead him or her to depression.

The final component of the Anger Cycle is understanding the emotion.

Typically, children have a limited ability to understand their emotions. Therefore, they lack the skills to control their expressions of anger.

Therefore, parents and other caregivers can engage themselves in helping kids deal with anger, that is, understanding and managing their feelings and expressions of anger.

The following are the effective coping strategies that parents can adopt in helping kids manage anger:

1. Calm Down The Angry Child

The first reaction of parents whenever they encounter the upsetting behavior of their own kid is to yell or shout at him or her.

But least do such parents know that losing control would make things go even worse.

As a parent, your duty is to try to calm down the child and not get overwhelmed by the upsetting behavior of your own child.

You need to understand as a parent that your child would be able to learn and understand how to behave in an appropriate manner only when he restores his calm.

There are various ways in which you can try to calm down your child:

(i) Show Affection

As a parent or a caregiver, you need to show affection for your child even if he or she doesn’t demand the same.

Try to control the anger impulses of your child by moving closer to him or her physically.

Give your child a hug or display any other form of affection for your child as all he or she needs is someone comforting him or her physically.

But there can be instances where your child does not appreciate such physical comfort. This is because he is undergoing a severe emotional challenge due to which he or she has trouble accepting your affection.

(ii) Try Using Humor

When your child experiences anger impulses, try using humor to calm him or her down.

Humor distracts the mind of your child from the event or instance that triggered anger and directs it towards something that is hilarious.

Putting in some effort to make your child laugh prevents him or her from having a facial expression that is full of distress.

But, there is a caveat here. Make sure that you do not use sarcasm, teasing, or ridicule as it is a negative response to the anger tantrum of your child.

(iii) Do Not Leave Your Child Alone

As a parent, you have to make sure that your child feels safe whenever he undergoes anger impulses.

This is possible only if the environment around is calm.

You can achieve this by giving your elder kid opportunities to cool down and curb his or her feelings of anger.

Remember, you do not have to leave your child alone to calm down on his own.

(iv) Use Physical Restraint If Needed

In certain cases, children undergoing anger impulses go out of control.

Therefore, it becomes important for parents to either take their kids away from the scene or restraining an angry child physically.

This is done to prevent the child from harming himself or others.

Also, if parents physically restrain a child out of control as a result of anger, it may prevent your child from creating a scene and being witnessed by other people.

Thus, it is important for your child to understand that physical restraint or taking him away from the scene is not a punishment.

Rather, it”s a way to explain to the child that he cannot behave in such an aggressive manner.

2. Teach Your Child Ways To Manage Anger

It is important to note that since a child’s complete cognitive development is yet to take place, he or she lacks a proper understanding of underlying reasons for getting upset.

Things that are just small disappointments for adults may become extremely serious for kids.

Such disappointments would mean the end of the world for children.

Children are more vulnerable to losing out control when under the influence of anger.

This is because their thinking or logical side of the brain that helps children to understand and control their anger impulses is not fully developed.

But as children grow older and step into adulthood, they must possess the tools necessary to control their own emotions.

So the following points would help parents in dealing with child anger management in day-to-day life.

(i)Begin With Yourself

As a parent, it is very important for you to first calm down and learn to have control of your anger towards child.

It”s quite easy for parents to yell or shout at kids when they showcase anger outbursts.

If you as a parent would stop modeling anger behaviors that you want to change in your child, then you need to first learn to control your anger impulses. That is, controlling anger with child.

It is quite easy to get provoked and shout at your child whenever he or she bursts out in anger.

But if you as a parent cannot surrender to your anger impulses, how can you expect your own child to learn to control his own anger?

(ii)Make Your Child Aware of Anger Symptoms

To undertake anger management with your child, it is very important for parents to make their child bursting out in anger aware of the anger symptoms.

Whenever an individual begins to get angry, there are certain physiological changes that his body undergoes like an increase in heartbeat, a change in the facial expressions, tightening of muscles, etc.

Therefore, if you make your child aware of the symptoms indicating that the child is about to get annoyed, he or she would have lesser anger tantrums.

In addition to this, you need to explain to the angry child that the moment he becomes aware of the anger-provoking symptoms, he or she needs to calm down.

(iii)Identify Triggers

As a parent, you need to identify the events, instances, people, situations, or all the other things that upset your child or make him or her angry. Such events, people, or situations are the emotional triggers for your kids.

Make a note of such anger-provoking triggers and change your child’s routine so that it”s possible to avoid such triggers.

For instance, if a child takes time in getting ready for school and reaching school on time is the persistent cause of distress or worry for your kid, make sure that your kid packs his bag and lays out his or her school dress the night before.

(iv)Teach Children To Cope With Anger

Parents can help their angry child in controlling anger by providing anger management tools for kids.

This means parents can hold meetings or debates with such a kid to chart out the various ways in which he or she can control anger.

Once the list of ways to manage anger is charted out, both parents and the child can practice coping skills together.

Parents can even put these listed tools at places where it is visible to the child.

Also, it is important to note that the strategies for teaching children anger management must be charted out as per their age.

This means as the child gets older, the strategies pertaining to coping with anger for kids would change.

Therefore, some of the ways through which you can help your angry child cope with anger include:

• Taking deep breaths
• Listening to music
• Writing about the event or the thing that is making him or her angry and then tearing the paper into prices etc. (in case of older children)

(v) Reinforce Good Behavior

Parents need to intimate their child about his or her behaviors that they feel good about and encourage the child to continue showcasing such behaviors.

You can encourage your kid to display good behavior by making purposeful comments during the day.

Furthermore, you can even reward your kid with things that he or she likes such as extra time on the iPad, a sweet treat, etc.

However, as a parent, it is also important for you to let your kid know the behaviors that discourage you.

Your kid needs to be aware of the consequences of negative behaviors.

So, as a parent, you need to make your kid understand that each time he or she displays a negative behavior, he or she would have to go through the same bad consequences.

(vi) Teach Children To Express Anger Verbally

You need to encourage your child to express feelings of anger via words and not through actions.

A child who is able to clearly express anger in words about the events, people, situations, or things that make him or her angry feels that he or she can control anger.

Thus, clearly expressing feelings of anger in words helps the child to avoid reacting physically when under the influence of anger.

3. Seek Help In Case of Need

Parents need to make an immense effort in teaching kids anger management and managing negative emotions via coping strategies.

If the parents feel that despite making great effort to help their child control anger via coping techniques or suggestions, their child is unable to control anger, then they must seek the help of a therapist.

A therapist would undertake child anger therapy, would help your child understand deeper feelings, and develop his or her ability to manage emotions.