A Reluctant Goodbye: Why I Don’t Feel Like Leaving College
Perhaps we grow older at different rates in the course of our lives. Sometimes we can go years without feeling like we’ve grown at all, while sometimes we feel different, like we’ve grown a lot all at once!
This feeling has been brewing inside me for the past couple of weeks, as I leave college and plunge into the ‘real’ world. I feel different. I feel old. The starry-eyed kid who entered college four years ago seems like a different person now. It’s strange because if you had asked me just a month ago, I’d have said that I was the same me. But not now.
Four years is a long time.
Four years ago, we entered a forest. We were excited, nervous, our hearts trying to be brave, unshrinking in the face of the uncertainty that lay ahead of us. The goal? Reach the sea shore on the other side.
We stumbled through the initial days of the journey. We befriended each other, joked around, talked! The traveling party grew more familiar. With each passing day, each new sight along the way, each new experience, our bonds grew stronger. Soon enough, the forest felt like home.
Some days, we stood together in awe at magnificent sights. Other days, we made fun of the weird things that we came across, and even the absurdity of some aspects of our life in the woods. But, most of the days, we just trudged along the trail. Through the forest. One step at a time.
And now, we’re here. The point where the forest ends. We’re here atop a cliff with the raging sea down below, the sea which extends to the far off horizon, seemingly unending.
At present, I sit down for awhile looking at the vast body of water and then gaze back at the forest. Truth be told, a significant part of me doesn’t want to leave college.
Two reasons why I don’t feel like leaving college
1. Because the future is scary
There’s this nagging question lurking in my mind: Am I ready? Am I truly ready for life out of college?
I am frequently hit by bouts of the impostor syndrome. Is it just a syndrome? Or am I really an impostor?
I have learned a lot of things over the past four years, no doubt about that. But have I learned enough to be a Computer Engineer? I think not. I am not even a quarter of the way there.
And graduating feels even worse, because now, I am a certified imposter.
My mind is doing its utmost to handle these feelings. Lately, I have grown fond of some quotes:
“Education is that which remains, if one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”
~ Albert Einstein on Education.
Even though I have forgotten most of what I learned and “that which remains” isn’t much, maybe I am still ‘educated’ enough for having learned to think and to learn. (Admittedly, I am 50–50 on that as well).
Another quote I like now:
“I cannot remember the books I’ve read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yes. Maybe, all that I have learned (and forgotten) are still somewhere inside me, as parts of what make up my very being. All is not lost! It is a comforting feeling indeed.
However, the naked truth remains: I am clutching at straws in my attempts to soothe my heart, afraid of the mighty uncertain future. Up until this point, there was — for the most parts — a clear linear path. We just followed the trail. There was some structure, and we knew what was coming: an assignment deadline, a project report, assessments, and the like. We knew the anatomy of each semester. But now, the path isn’t so clear.
I guess everyone standing here on this cliff can concur: we were supposed to have grown wings by the time we reached this place but that hasn’t happened or maybe it has but we’re not sure if the wings can actually get us airborne. So, instead, we stand here with different degrees and manner of preparedness. Some of us have boats ready, some have parachutes, some have helicopters.
Still, regardless of what anyone plans to do, there’s no escaping the apprehension of what lies ahead, of where we will end up.
2. Because the past was wonderful
Everybody has a different memory of college. Yet, everyone harbors some level of fondness for their college life; you simply can’t spend four years in one place and not form an attachment.
College has become familiar. It feels like our second home, a part of our identity, our lives and even ourselves.
I am going to miss it all: running(!) late to class, the group lunches, the late assignment-copy sessions, sleeping in class, the boring-but-let’s-get-this-done practicals, skipping classes, regretting doing so and then skipping again anyway. Tea at the bhatti, all those games of Football, Cricket, Basketball, Chess. Everything.
After all, our college is beautiful.
Only now do I realize how balanced college life was: between structure and freedom, between reliance and independence. And even us: mature yet inexperienced, anxious yet happy, responsible yet carefree!
For sure, there were stressful periods but they were of the simple kind and most of the time, college life was a laid-back sort of fun. All thanks to the people.
Ah! The people! I am going to miss the people: classmates, batch-mates, juniors, teachers — everyone. During the course of these years, I have had the pleasure of meeting an assortment of amazing people: with different talents (art, music, sports, writing, etc), tastes, ideas, and personalities, but more importantly, they were just wonderful people to get to know.
This impression — that people are awesome — has grown on me over the past year as I opened up a bit more and ventured out of my cocoon. (I sort of regret holding back and keeping to myself in the three prior years. A lesson learned, I guess.)
It does apply to people in general, but at college, there is a common thread that holds it all together, a sense of belonging; it’s a melting pot of smart, proactive individuals.
And so, I now find myself with an inexplicable sadness. It stems from the realization that I’ll probably not meet around 2% of those people more than five or so times during the course of my life, around 25% I’ll meet once or twice, while the rest, I’ll never (ever) meet again! Our roads will never cross again!
The percentage may vary but not by much.
You may think, well hang on a minute, we could bump into each other again, couldn’t we? Yes. But those are people already included in the 25%. The thing is: you, once out of college, will never meet around 70% of your acquaintances; you just don’t know which 70%.
The last few months of the final year then, was the tail end in terms of my meetings with many people.
I guess a lot of farewells and goodbyes in life happen without explicitly being clear of their occurrence. That random chat by the parking spot, that customary handshake, that awkward wave from a distance, that silent bow from the other side of the road, that tea session which didn’t seem significant; these make up a surprisingly large number of our last meetings.
The realist among us (including a part of me) might say that such is the nature of life. You meet people and (in most cases), you part ways. That is true and acceptable. Nevertheless, it is a small, faint kind of tragedy.
College life then is like reading a good book or watching a thrilling TV series. You enjoy it with all its ups and downs, drama and normalcy, and when it’s over, you don’t know what you’re supposed to do.
And so you just sit there for awhile and soak in all that happened: the adventures, the experiences.
Yeah! More than a place where we “get an education”, college is an experience.
And personally, it was a wonderful experience!
A part of me wants to relive it again. I would do everything with more gusto: making memories, meeting people, studying and enjoying it all.
But the rest of me is busy brushing off the graduation blues and preparing mentally for what lies ahead, not knowing what life out of college is like except that it will be difficult. I have this feeling that another period of transition is coming. Perhaps, the me from four years ago and the current me have this thing in common, this feeling of anxiety and excitement of diving into the unknown.
I stand up. It’s time to jump.
Good bye and farewell! To a part of my life, to a part of me.
Edit Credit: Abinash Manandhar
Zerone is an undergrad publication at I.O.E, Pulchowk focusing on People (their creative side, their thoughts, their lives) and Technology (the new, the old, everything).
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