Cat Academy Lectures
{The following transcripts of the Video Lecture Series were retrieved from fel.catacademy.purr}
Cat Academy Lecture Series — Survival 101: How to save yourself from humans
[This lecture was delivered to young kittens who are going to come in close contact with humans. The lecture is based on the Professor’s own experiences.]
[PROFESSOR CAT]:
Meow! Anybody home?
When the aroma of milk hits my nose, I can’t resist. Can’t wait to finish it in a draught. Left. Right. No one within sight. Kitchen’s open.
I dart in.
Opening the lid of the milk pan is always a problem. Humans have the sort of claws that I don’t. Anyway, I open my claws and lift the lid.
Clang!
I jump. They jump in as well. Humans! Where did they come from? They can’t win us in a race but here they are being faster when it matters the most.
They have sticks in their paws and they close in. I have to act quickly. Aha! The gap between their hind legs! I use my speed and my sleekness to escape, under their own body. Who told them to stand on two feet? That’s the worst thing to do while hunting!
I run and run, and then stop. They did not come after me. Were they not hunting me? I was not prey. Yoo-hoo! I get it confirmed when I overhear them say some days later, “Where is that cat these days? It helped us by killing mice. If it didn’t steal milk, we would not have to chase it.”
So, I change myself a little bit. Whenever I’m hungry while they’re around, I stare at them and speak up, “Meow!” They see my sad face and loose stomach and give me the heaven’s treat of milk and rice.
Do I still steal? You might want to know. Well, it’s a cat’s instinct to steal milk. I can’t go against it. I try to be very careful. But the lid — that damned piece of steel always bothers me! And they come back to strike at me. No worries, though. There is always an escape.
[YOUNG KITTENS]:
“Under their feet!”
[A tip to remember: Always proceed with caution.]
***
CAT ACADEMY Lecture Series — Human and Dog Behaviour 302: Weird Ideas
[This lecture was delivered to young kittens who are interested in knowing human and dog behaviours. No apologies to humans and dogs who come through this lecture and get offended. The Professor intends to offend you.]
[PROFESSOR CAT]:
Humans are annoying — like an itch. They are the worst creatures ever. Okay, fine. They might not be the worst. They feed me, anyway. But they have these weird notions about us and our cousins. Don’t you know about our cousins? Dogs! We have a love-hate relationship with them. Well, I’ll cite some of their ideas.
“Cats are unsocial.” LOL! Like they know us. They haven’t come to our social gatherings. Unlike our canine cousins, we don’t let them know about our parties. We don’t have to let them know. We don’t invite them. Everything happens under the stars when they are asleep. And we don’t bother waking them up.
“Cats betray their owners.” LOL, again! Unless they are adopted in their infancy, cats do not have owners. Humans are beneath us. They must serve when we command. Otherwise, their bed sheets will be our dung yard. They must keep us in their laps when we feel cold. They must let us sleep on their beds when we want. They can’t command us. We come and go at our will, not theirs. Even the adopted infants learn this in no time. Cats can’t betray their owners because we don’t have owners. Humans betray us every time. They don’t hesitate to hit us when we are against their interest. See, that selfish they are!
“Dogs are man’s best friends.” ROFL. The biggest joke humans have invented. Our cousins are servile. They think, ‘We must serve humans because they gave us food and shelter. They own our lives. We must protect them. We must be loyal. And humans say we are their best friends.’
Okay, dogs may be a human’s best friends with their servile attitude. But are humans a dog’s best friend? I don’t think so. How dare they even say dogs are their best friends? WHO KEEPS A BEST FRIEND IN CHAINS? Humans chain “their” dogs every day, treat them bad, leave those “best friends” when they get old. HOW DARE THEY DO THAT? DOWN WITH HUMANS!
“Woof! WOOF!”
Oh, no! A dog heard me. He does not want to hear anything against the humans. There he is, with his pack. I must save myself. Where do I go?
[YOUNG KITTENS]:
“Under their limbs!”
[PROFESSOR CAT]:
You stupid kittens! Didn’t I teach you earlier? You have a very poor memory. That’s why you have short lives! Jump up. As high as you can. Our cousins can’t jump as high as we do. Reach a height, take a long breath, lick your paw, do your hair, look back and say back at them, “Meow!”
