How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Perplexity of Having Dreams

What are dreams anyway? APJ Abdul Kalam famously said, “Dreams are not what you see in your sleep, dreams are things which do not let you sleep.” but all the anxiety of daring to dream together with the insecurity of not being good enough to fulfill it allows me to do is to take a long nap. Is the ability to dream in the Abdul Kalam sense of the word only a privilege us humans are afforded or do animals dream? What if my pet’s dream doesn’t match up with mine? What if a cow living under my roof has always dreamed of feeding its calves with liters upon liters of its milk and my dream is of getting rich by selling the same milk? Will my dream be somehow more valid in that case because I am a human? Surely, a caged elephant in a zoo dreams of being free and rocking the wilderness with its massive feet. A parrot which has been delegated to merely being a source of amusement for some 8 or 80 year old must dream of flying in the never ending sky. Or is that longing? How are dreams and longings different? Isn’t longing for something a sign that I have a dream of obtaining it?

Something else they say about dreams is: “You have to find a dream so big that it overwhelms all of your fears and never causes you to give up.” But what if I crumble under the weight of my fears and just give up? Does this mean that particular dream of mine held no water to begin with or did all the water it held just spill out the moment I decided to give up? Just a simple google search tells me a dream is a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal but what about my objectively bad and/or illegal aspirations, like wanting to drive a Ferrari through a race track while drunk? Is this as valid as my ambition to buy my parents an electric SUV that fits all my 9 family members and FINALLY go on a family trip to Bhedetar? (You can tell I’m from Biratnagar, can’t you?) Is “Carpe Diem” (seize the day) an aspiration or is it a lifestyle? What if I dream of having that lifestyle? Are dangerous or petty dreams just as valid as harmless dreams? Is my Bollywood inspired dream of saving my crush from getting kidnapped just as valid as my dream of getting my own place that I’d decorate with a beautifully color coordinated polaroid wall? If not, where do these two things lie on the scale of validity of dreams, if there is such a thing? Or is this a goal? I am working towards it by learning skills that’ll help me earn money to get my own place in the near future. Isn’t a “goal” something you’re working towards in order for it to happen? If that is so, I am acting towards my dream of building a house in a better neighborhood, so maybe that is my goal and not a dream. Where does “goal” end and “dream” begin? Better yet, aren’t I just acting on my dream of living a happy, psychologically rich life wherein there is a balance between vulnerability and courage by just existing around good people who encourage me to be my best self?

And are all dreams created equal? Are all dreams worth striving for? When does a dream become a pipe dream? Should I pursue my dream of teaching little kids with compassion and empathy that the “कुटेर तह लगाउनु पर्छ यस्ताहरुलाई” (these should be disciplined with sticks) believing teachers of my early childhood weren’t the best at, knowing being a teacher in this economy means a lifetime of financial compromises? (My mom’s a teacher, I’d know.) When is it okay to relinquish a dream? Is it unwise to not give up on a dream when you know the odds are stacked against you? Or is it cowardly to give up on a dream just because the odds are stacked against you? Maybe I have not dreamed a big enough dream to be given the power to overcome impossible odds. Whatever happened to my dream of having a body comparable to Randy Orton or my dream of reading Camus in French… Or were those merely fantasies my dopamine loving brain came up with when I was having an off day? When do dreams become delusions or are certain dreams delusional from the start? Isn’t a little bit of delusion an essential prerequisite to fulfilling a dream? Is my dream of traveling to every country in the world just the right amount of delusion? Will I grow out of this delusion? How long can a dream last? When does a dream expire? And, what does it say, if anything, about us if we substitute our dreams frequently? Personally, I think it just says the boring: about how everything about us is constantly in flux and the ability to change and adapt is every one of our superpowers but how do I explain that to my lingering 7 year old self who just really wanted to become a doctor to fix his father’s back pains? How do I live with not having fulfilled my lifelong dream of going to the US after high school? Well, I could go there after my Bachelor’s, couldn’t I? Is postponing a dream giving up on it? Like many others, this too is now a dream that perplexes me, but, it’ll be fine. I will be fine.