Dear Waltz
The first dance
As I approached the girl across me feeling so very nervous, terrified, even petrified, I was searching for every reason not to ask her, but I had to. And so I asked, “Would you like to dance?” It was the most vulnerable I had ever been, I had put my heart on a platter ready for her to break. But she gave me the most gracious smile I have ever seen. Then I took her hand and started dancing. Moving to the steady 3/4 rhythm of the waltz. I felt peaceful, ethereal, romantic. Swaying left and right, there was no need to say a thing, what would I say nothing I could think could be appropriate so we danced. In that moment, all that I needed was her, the waltz, and the moment we were having.
For now that moment is gone. It feels like we had a drumroll moment without hitting the end. Everything was perfect and it just ended. I feel like we were never meant to be together. We were both too similar and too different, we needed to grow into ourselves and as it turns out we both grew in different directions. As unfair as it seems, I know that it’s for the best. I see that you are doing so good. You’ve been killing it. I see your pictures on Instagram and seeing you be that successful pursuing what you always wanted makes me especially proud. I am always gonna be there saying “Go Girl!” and “you are gonna be so good”.
As one of my favourite comic artists, Jack Kirby, once said, “Life at best is bittersweet.” I am thankful that I got to share this bittersweet memory with you. The waltz belongs to you, me and the moment we shared.
Waltz for …
All the waltz I love, all the music I love is because in my mind the music is tied with a feeling, a situation I was in or most often than not “Someone I love loved it first.” It doesn’t help that most waltzes are titled as “Waltz for …” It adds this layer that says the waltz was written for someone, with someone specific in mind, someone the musician loves, someone the musician thinks about. It gives me the feeling that the music is personal, the music is somewhat special, the music is sacred.
Waltz for Aidan
I love the fact that Waltz for Aidan feels like talking to an old friend over a campfire while telling random stories, random memories, just roasting the shit out of each other. Knowing that whatever we do during that moment the friendship is special. And alas as it turns out the band wrote the Waltz in the name of their friend Adian Moffat and listening to it I believe it.
Waltz for Zizi
Sometimes I have these moments where I am not sad. I am not happy either and the weird thing is I don’t wanna be. I just want to be present here in that moment. At that time I put on Waltz for Zizi from the show Cowboy Bebop. As the familiar notes begin to ring, I am transported to the first time I watched the episode “Ganymede Elegy”.
There, I see Jet searching for his long lost love, I see him finding his wife just to find she has grown apart and has her own little world. She has been struggling for her love, which is no longer him. I remember Jet clenching the pocket watch his ex wife gifted him long ago. The watch now scratched, the dials stopped working years ago and the hook broken. That watch, it meant so much to him and it means so much to me. As he throws the watch to the deepest ocean, the Waltz kicks in. Waltz for Zizi gives me the feeling that Jet felt, the peace of letting things go, letting yourself feel things. The thing doesn’t need to be happy, it doesn’t need to be sad, it can just be the acknowledgement of things that occurred, it can be letting yourself be at peace.
I get that Waltz for Zizi was played with a little undertone of relief, a little sadness, some melancholy and a whole lot of bittersweet. Everytime the waltz comes on, my brain nerves make me feel at peace like it is saying everything is gonna be okay, and everything that happened made me a little better, helped me realize a small portion of who I want to be.
Waltz to K
You know in those nights when you are all alone and all you have is some wine and you are lying there sad and alone, bitter and alone, disgusted and alone. There, out of nowhere you remember this old pal that you no longer talk to, you remember running aimlessly with them, fighting with them, fighting for them, you remember the turmoil the peace the easeness the familiarity and you are hit with everything at once you feel everything at once nothing left alone. Out of nowhere you start smiling as the memory replays in the head, you know that the memory will not last forever but you don’t care. You never cared what you were doing as long as it was with the friend and the sadness comes back but you are not alone anymore. Waltz to K gives me that feeling, feeling like you have had good times in the past and there might be some good times left with the person K and world is not so alone anymore.
Waltz for me
Let me be honest, I have had a hard time bringing myself to like myself. I always feel like I need to be weird and mysterious so I keep people at a distance. I fear that if they get to know me they will definitely not like me. But I do want connection, real connection. And I would be lying if I said I have no one I feel connected towards but the thing is every time I am not able to give them everything they want perfectly I feel like they will leave me. So I keep them away from the fear that they hate me or the greater fear that I hate me. These problems are self-inflicted and on my attempt to look cool, to look like I am good at these things I go ahead and take up weird obsessions. My obsession with Waltz being one of them. Waltz in itself has a lot of history and meaning but I gave it my meaning that this corner of music is my safe haven, where I can stay without any judgement. The uncommon pattern of 3/4 makes me feel belonged to the unevenness that I myself feel, it compounds all the fear I have about losing someone I want and the love I so desire.
Yes this article is a weird display of my obsession, my fears, my needs and most importantly my love. The friend I think of while listening to Waltz for Aidan or Waltz to k thank you for being there when I needed you the most, I was scared cause you saw through all my facade, you were a beaming light that lit up all of me. In that light I saw the ugly, bitter, and scared side of me and I ran away. I ran as fast as I could but I won’t run anymore. And finally my Zizi thanks for making me feel that there are people who will still accept me for who I am, all the ugly included. We didn’t work out but the brief past that we had, changed me forever.
Anyway here are some good waltz you can listen to
