Making a change
I wanted to write long time before now. Today is the day I guess. I have waited long enough but today I just have to do it. Its to prove that I am d-e-t-e-r-m-i-n-e-d. The longer I procrastinate, the better I am at hating myself. I keep reminding me that I have to get better at things. Man got responsibility. The thought emerges like a sprout but does not get rooted in my brain. I simply try to do as I had thought I would do and soon I don’t. Is it me not doing it? Or my brain? The thought of “to do” is random. I can get day dream at any time. I just can’t stop envisioning myself as a great man. I imagine a condition that I am suggesting myself to improve while I am rarely doing the things to improve. Long time ago, I told myself to write something about this bizarre feeling so that it’s no longer bizarre. I am ashamed to tell you that the same feeling occurred once in a while but I never did it. I just forgot. Then I again remember the same thing, and again I don’t do it.Pathetic right.
Lets change the paragraph. Something changed today. You definitely know what changed. We try everyday to better ourselves and we try very hard. The day dreaming starts where you are now the best. BUT wait . Don’t just dream now. I kept pushing myself to do that but it never helped.I just can’t do it anymore. I have to break the loop so that I am not stuck in this miserable, bizarre and pathetic me. Now you know why I am writing.
Oh boy, I feel so better. Better than I have ever been. Now i can do something that I wish or have thought. I can push my inner-self in my hippo campus so that my brain gets trained. Before this , my thought would just appear but my brain would not allow me to go in that direction of thought. A brilliant paradox itself. It seems that I am in control of the body and the soul but its not. We always have a hidden us that will ruin our pre-made to-do thought. Determination , this lasts for a few moment and then our hidden us will reveal. The worst part is we never know how and when the hidden part took role in the control of our body and soul. You realize that you messed up. Soon again the same thing happens and this time you double messed up. The loop continues and one day you say enough !(a big exclamation). You sure know you are embarrassed. You now know how much time you passed to realize. Is it 2 days , 2 months , 2 years or 20. Oh don’t go beyond that because you really can’t bear it to know how ruined you are.
Its not bad though. The best part is now you know.You now have the ability. True power, the will power. Now, you don’t need to get motivated or inspired by some you tube guy. Being motivated by other is not motivation at all. Its the same short moment determination thing where you add a number in your “to be better loop” . To be better, you just have to do nothing. To get motivated, you have to do nothing. One day, (enlightenment part) you are going to realize how depraved you are , how you screwed up all thing. After that day you are a changed man.
Have to again change the paragraph because you took a lot. But reading this you are not in enlightenment part yet. You will never know when that day comes. That day you will realize that this reading just added a “to be better loop”.
Okay, I definitely wrote something up there. I broke my loop. I may even be in another loop which I will soon realize. I know that our life is miserable. It’s barely getting better. It’ because we all are in that same loop. That loop certainly is nested. We will never know if we truly got out. I think, Gautama (Shakyamuni)was the one to get out.(laughs)
You may argue what if I never try to get better? You really can’t do that because it’s not in your genes. You will always try to get better because the mother nature wants that. It’s programmed in our genes. It might be possible to change that in future but who knows, right. So the thing is, you have to get better. Eventually you will feel miserable, pathetic because you did not do anything while somebody got better than you. You become prisoner of that loop. You break that. You feel happy but again there is another loop which you thought you once got out. You now feel sad. . I think this is life . “LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL” , “A BEAUTIFUL LOOP “.
