Near Death and In a Feath
“Well, that wasn’t so bad.” I mean, if this is what people call a ‘near death experience’, I kinda experienced it today. I remember my body shaking even with a glimpse of the event I got into. But I am calm now.
That moment when all my life flashed before my eyes. My family, my friends, my relatives, my mistakes, my regrets, my comebacks, all of it, every bit of it in so much less time. What was it all that mattered all along? What I should have gone after? What I should have left behind? Feels like I know it now. Technically, I had it in me all along somewhere in my subconscious but this state of nirvana is what I needed all my life. The thought so clear the mind so vague. Even with these physical scratches and mental wound all over me, I am in inner peace. I am calm now.
It was like being born. Like before now, the only part of me that existed were my eyes, peering blurrily out of the tired flesh that was little more than meat. But now, the mirror had taken my eyes and pulled the rest of me through, into the open. Into the air. And I had realized, in an instant of terrible beauty and long coming grief, that I had wasted all my life up to now pretending to be someone who didn’t exist. But now I was here. What was I to do with that? I am calm now.
As I think of it now, that split second decision made a whole lotta change in the life of two people. One is me obviously. Two, that inner child, who had so much in his life to get into. A bright future waiting to embrace. But I wish he wouldn’t make the dumb choices like me in his life ahead. He seemed smart actually. That innocence in his eyes that fear when he saw me approaching up to him got me trembling too I must say. But seeing him in his all loving and caring mother’s lap, all fine. I feel glad. The trembling has stopped. I am calm now.
Speaking of regrets, I never had such clear mind set as of now to repent on all those bad choices i had made. I am sufferings the consequences of my own choices now. This list is quite long. All I ever did felt unsettling to myself; let alone my family and this society. I mean, I try, it’s not that I don’t want to, but I have a better possibility of getting thunderstruck that’s getting my decisions worse and worse. Nothing falls into place. And this one decision that I made today makes me proud of myself. I am calm now.
Well done, I said to myself. Err…. Proud of you. Me, that kid(inner child), by the way wants to go home. He seems uncomfortable with the hospital environment. Maybe he is so sleepy after all he has gone through today. He deserves a long deep sleep after what he had to see today . Never know what impacts he may have gotten into his kind of today’s events. But he is safe. I saved him. I feel blessed. My regrets vanish. I am calm now.
My family is here too. Mom is crying her eyes out. She always has been worrying about me. Always thought I would end up worse that I already was. One thing she was assured of was that I was mean to everything to work right. She used to motivate positive even in my setbacks. “It’s all right, and everything happens for good reason.” she used to say. Now, that’s my turn It ended well and right. Things could have gotten worse and worse and That kid could have been dead. And I would have been responsible …As father used to say, I never acted responsible for how I am. Now I would feel him knowing now I was responsible for my past self dying by road accident nearing to cardiac arrest in hospital. But it didn’t. Thank god. It didn’t I guess. Finally this put an end to the family dispute on how responsible I am. I feel free from pain, negative emotions, worry fear, anger at that moment. I feel divine . My mind and heart is at rest finally. I love myself even more than ever. I am calm now.
This feeling you get seeing yourself, literally, is so odd. Mirrors you can relate, but actually seeing myself lying there, motion less, that’s odd. I guess this is what “out of the world” experience means but I bet the one who coined this term couldn’t have literal experience of it. He wasn’t dead when he said that, was he? This is what out of the world feels like. Near death experience is not near any more. More like within. All that “could have done and what if” phrases seems meaningless now. I can’t now. But no regret is going to work now. All I can do is let go of all remorse. I have. That’s what keeping me at ataraxia. That kid, His innocence his future I feel happy for him. I am calm now…
Sometimes, we all have to feel sad and experience pain in order to really know what feeling good is like. Sometimes, we have to feel really bad before we can feel like we’ve really picked ourselves up. Thus it is the way of life. The most important thing is that we keep moving on through it all, no matter what happens. Stopping never helps, and it will destroy you from the inside out, and before you know it that you will have become something you’re not. In other words, keep moving and learn to let go. That’s what I remind myself everyday.
‘Not all day and night are same; Your friends always don’t cry for you; Story, poetry, struggle and novel are our own way, but not everyone touches everyone heart.’
Life is unfair yet so beautiful….
