Sessions
When it comes down to remembering a person, it is usually the one whom we have lost that persists in our vision. Reminiscences similar to those bring a lot of memories, most among which, leave the eyes completely wet.
The sun has just bid goodbye. I see all kinds of faces. Faces rushing to get somewhere important; faces asking for homage; faces hoping the moment would never fade. Happy and gloomy faces; white, black, brown faces; exhausted and delighted faces; photo-ready faces...here and there; then and now. Only if amidst all those faces would be another face—a face that defines love for me.
What would it be like if you were still here today? Would everything be the way it is now? I let my inner turmoil expand up in the air. Rest easy, mate! A farewell to a companion that has lived with me, lived in me, for some time now. Up in the air, a smoke seems to bloom. It seems to be trying to form something. As my legs keep on moving me forward, to go around the stupa, I see a faint image. Is it her? The more I think, the more it seems. I see, among all the restless faces around, there is a calm, serene face in front of me. My solace!
Only if everyone else also saw what I do see.
I cannot remain calm knowing what I know. Am I turning into a lunatic? The moments of celebration seem blatantly melancholic. Is it not paranormal? Would it be the same if you were still here? Because in this very place, a couple of years back, I felt as if I belonged among those faces.
Some of the days, I see you after the world stops seeing me. Out of darkness, do you prevail. You call me and I run to you. A cocktail brews of anger, love and everything in between, then I grasp your existence. I promise myself that you’ll never go; that you’re here to stay this time. Of course, I tell myself that you said so. The tears in my eyes speak: Why were you gone? The times you know, you speak through your tears too: Who doesn’t have to go? The other times, you look really confused. And thus, I embrace you for all the times you were away.
But just as I begin to feel your warmth, you cease to exist. Were you an illusion? The forever I promised myself crumbles right away. The progression ends! Dreadfully, miserably, truthfully... You fade and yet again, darkness reigns. Senses kick back hard. So hard, it hurts. Mind boggles up and stomach gurgles; all at once. Silence around intensifies to, in the end, explode and leave my ears longing for your soothing call.
Poor pillows! Without an umbrella, they soak in the salty precipitate from the eyes. A while later, when the eyes try to contemplate the darkness once again, your faces align. There you are, just as bright as I always saw you and just as bright as I always wanted you to be. My hands reach out. Alas, it’s thin air! The silence in the laugh of the air seems to mock me. I suffocate. The ground hits me – Oh! You remain but an image.
The other times, I see you when I get ready to face the world.
We keep this love in a photograph.
Oh course, we do. That is all that remains, after all. Leading through the enormous gap time has forged between you and me, I get carried to you – to your self. To your real self, this time? I do not try to touch you. Nor do I comfort myself. From a distance, I watch you – how you laugh; how your smile meant the world to us–Baba, Mami, San Didi… and me–and we were unaware of it; how it was you who was knitting the colorful wool of our family. This time, I, myself, decide not to stay there for long, for if I stayed long enough, the laugh and the smile would be shattered once again before my eyes. Thus, I guide myself to the ground.
My hands taste some salty precipitate of my eyes. Then I wear some satisfaction. I saw you. This time, the promise is real—to never let down; to always be proud when your smiling face faces me. Because it is true:
…inside these pages you just hold me,
I won’t ever let you go.
Wait for me to come home!!!
