The Lost Diary

It’s a promise, a promise which keeps me alive; floating all the way through this life and beyond it. A promise to a person who I lost the day I was born and separated ever since. It’s been a hard hour even making contact with you, for they don’t allow me to do it more often. They fear the darkness, and it’s you who make your presence in it. They have done some calculations, for their own purpose assisting me to know how far had I been sent from you. It’s sooner or later, the thing is unknown but I just know one thing and that is our reunion is going to be beautiful than anything I have ever seen in this mortal world.

I don’t know much about you, since all the memories were wiped in the name of re-birth. But I still have the promise inside me `cause it was not just in my mind, it was all inside my heart and the soul which existed surviving all the Purgatory. I don’t know the reason we were separated, but I have always been there looking for you into those lovely and silent night. You smile, I whisper but as they say sound can’t travel in vacuum. It is unworthy for me to scream out in the middle of night hindering the silence in which most people fearfully enjoy.

It’s the darkness which makes a connection with you, it’s the shade which makes me happy and senses me your presence. I know it’s hard for you to see me here. Still I have many beautiful souls around me. They just name it Family and Friends, I don’t know how I would have been without them. They occupy a few sense from me and make me smile. But how can I explain them, where my smile is. As their calculations say, it’s some million light years away. But it’s what it is. I just wish the time would be shorter than it is, for it’s really hard to act their way to be real.

Harder is the promise and it’s more hard when it’s easier to forget them. It’s nearly been more than two decades since I promised you to be back, I know it’s hard. But the promise is still burning there with the same glory and resides with the same silence.

They have a lot of questions, I have a lot of answers. But I have all but doubts they are ready to listen the truth, so maybe sometimes silence is all that sounds real. A silence sunken into the deep valley of agony which resounds to an oasis with a single person in it. For all these silence tries to remind me, and at the same time forget about the promise. But it’s the only promise I could have ever given to a real mind.

The cosmos is real, it’s beautiful but without you it’s silent. This is my cosmos, my lady. A silent one, still one without you. I know it’s not a long way from here, it’s a time sooner than later. I will be there with you holding your hand and talking about all the memories I have collected just for you. All for you, some might be interesting, some might be harsh. But it’s all I got here. Everything more I have is you. The motion of my life capsule stopped when people say, it just began. Sounds really weird, but it’s the birth when I was parted from you.

Searching into parts, yes maybe sometimes I have felt I have found you. But again looking back, it’s just a simple delusion and nothing more. Something identical and wonderful like you, but it’s not you. They (my friends) ask me, “How is she (pointing to other girls)? Is she beautiful?” I have no option but to tell the truth, but maybe truth is indigestible for much people. So, I would reply recalling your faint shadow, “Beauty lies in the eye of beholder”. I would have replied a little better, if I had even got a glimpse of you more. Sadly, I only have a bearer of tears in my eyes. It’s all that I have got, looking at the tear drop and imagining how beautiful you were.

To be radically true, I might have fallen in love many times, not just once. But it’s the promise I have given you reminds me of who I am. Maybe I can be a bit selfish and just love and fill my heart with rejoice of finding someone. But I know there is always someone whom I have loved selflessly, and without any reason. There is no vacant place for any mortal love in my heart. Maybe the shadow in itself is all enough, maybe just more than it to trace you all. So, it’s a mere coincidence a name always hits the bar when I am likely falling in love. A name like as if it has a deep relation all with me and my soul. A connection longer and deeper than the soul itself. A hint that glimpses who you are, and who we were.

It’s a rare opportunity to see you smiling. I wish I could stay the whole time with you like this. It’s a distant relationship, so distant that it’s radiant with the twinkling in the darkest of all night. Amazingly, the warmth is my hindrance and source of existence my barrier, but still I rejoice each opportunity to be with you even in the frosty darkness.

It’s a promise, a promise I have and will keep all inside my heart. Counting the day of reunion is hard, because I fear it may be wrong. But how long may it take, I am always there with you. My half heart which merrily rejoices to happiness being a part of you. Incomplete as am I, will be complete once I share my mortality with the world. Promises I have made you, I will complete. But will share my promise with these wonderful and beautiful souls here and make them smile for all the little pinch of happiness in amplified form.

I will return, with a glory and the promise inside my heart.

-@Antei


Originally published at palspark.wordpress.com on January 8, 2016 as The Lost Diary.


Zerone is an undergrad publication at I.O.E, Pulchowk focusing on People (their creative side, their thoughts, their lives) and Technology (the new, the old, everything).

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