Unknown Past

It’s not easy to write and express something. We can extend our thoughts as deep as we want but creating its structure and representing it on a paper is quite difficult. Even if we write something, we need to express our thought in a form that readers can understand. Our thoughts need to be justified. My dream is to become a good writer; the writer who writes something that leads to his own path of thoughts and one who knows how to motivate someone and change their life. I want to become a light of someone’s dark heart through the means of writing. I want to be something that changes someone; even a catalyst if it’s my worth.

I am the knight of my thoughts and I always keep thinking about anything; somethings never leave my mind. From ordinary to complex thoughts, everything pops up in my brain in the form of a story or a character. The stories are not meant to be written on paper, they create another story nevertheless at last they are forever buried in my thoughts, the narrative never to be heard or searched for again. One moment I have everything, another moment nothing. I win, I lose and get lost in my own thoughts. But the problem is I can’t express my thoughts through writing. I just can’t. This is the only thing I am lacking right now. I don’t want to make it permanent. I don’t want my thoughts to be isolated anymore.

It’s not like I can’t write at all. I try to write but it’s not that powerful. I am not a good writer right when I judge myself. A seasoned writer can portray every thought into words and transform it into an art. I am not an artist either. I am just color or canvas or paint brush. I am just a single entity which can contribute but I don’t have skill to combine them all and represent it into something readable. I am good at building thoughts but I need someone to represent those thoughts in a way other can appreciate it too. Otherwise my thoughts are worthless. I am trying to represent them myself and I know one day I will be able to do it beautifully. It’s just a matter of time and patience.

I am planning to write whatever pops up on my mind, any incident that I am familiar with or creating a new incident if it’s necessary. I don’t understand why I am just engineer of the thoughts. I want to become an innovator too. May be someday, I’ll write those thoughts; thoughts that haven’t been conceived from other’s thoughts, thoughts which are so distant and isolated from others, thoughts which belongs to me and only me, thoughts which are written on proper structure on my writing book. I can also try to make a mansion from those thoughts if I try. Well that mansion can be weak and small but it will hold the thoughts that define my resolution and my journey. Maybe it will be weak and small but it should act like an art. Nobody questions art, they just stare at it even if they don’t understand it at all. All I need is to create an art through my thoughts, right? All I need to do is try, right?

Writing is the circus of trial and failure mixed up on the vase of words and after some worthy trials the vase will be decorated with the beautiful flowers of stories and people can enjoy its beauty. It will take some time but we can see the beauty for sure. That’s what I believe. To bootstrap my writing, I am talking with a girl, writing down our conversation and thoughts in my own ways and see whether it is helpful or not. I just need to write something no matter how it sounds, whether there is syntax and grammatical error or lack of creativity, I just need to write. I just need to break the barrier of my thoughts and give new meaning to it. I just need to portray my thoughts on the canvas that reader can understand. I want to give my thought a new existence.

So, I am talking with this girl whose thoughts are hidden deep inside her broken heart but never spoken. Talking from my experience, those buried thoughts may be painful and I am not sure about that. In life pain shapes a person in lot of forms so I always believe there is something that only pain can teach us. I think I am prone to pain. People will experience pain in one phase of their life and later on the pain will only exist in their thoughts. At least that’s what I think. I just need to hear her thoughts, write them in words in a way that only I can understand, interpret those words my way and feel that pain of hers and try to heal that pain. I just want to lost in those thought for a while, experience it and may be forget it after I decide either it’s worth knowing or not. I just want to play with those thoughts, give it a new meaning and erase it’s originality by adding my pain. I just want to add all the pain that my heart felt when it broke and want to compare them with hers and find out whose pain was more bitter, mine or her. I want to describe the nature of pain, identify the scale of pain, find how that pain bring new meaning on their life and how the person struggle to reduce that pain. I just want to portray that pain, color it all white and see whether the color turns into black or it has always been white. I just want to listen that pain on my favorite music beat and wait to see if it makes my body dance on that beat or not. I just want to sing the lyrics of that pain and see whether that lyrics touches my heart or not. I just want to feel that pain once. I want to experience everything that pops on my mind with that pain. But firstly, I want to identify that her thoughts are painful or it’s just a chaos created by overthinking.

Diary

Title: Unknown Past

Start

It’s a late-night conversation. She is different from others at least different from persons I am familiar with. She loves to read books and likes to speak less. The best example of introvert but yet she loves to talk with me. It’s her words actually which I like. Sometimes our conversation reaches the depth of ocean, sometimes it’s as the ray of light passing through the fine silver lining of clouds. Today is different, she is restraining herself from her words; speaking less, letting the silence make the noise. Maybe she must be angry with her family. A bad little habit of her; more anger issues.

So, I drop a question on her chat box. It’s a strange question actually. But not thinking through about the aftermath or consequences I sent that stupid question, any boy might have sent that question to any girl, in the state of lunacy at a stupid point of life.

Me: Do you know, we all have to die one day. We all will disappear one day and there’s no any escape from that. Does all the pain that a person bears in his lifetime lasts forever, even after death?

Her: Pain lasts in memory made with people you love.

Like usual, her answer is short but inside her every word, I feel a deep pain. There’s a whole story on her pains. I can guess the graph of her story, all the emotions she felt. I am well aware about her present, but today I want to know about her past. All the pain from her past. The only pain even I couldn’t heal.

Now I instantly regret about asking this question on such time period. But I don’t care. I want to know about her, her story and her pain.

Like usual, I take the conversation deeper and found a topic to discuss on.

Me: Your answers were always short and simple to understand. What about regrets then?

Her: Regrets lasts when the decisions are made in rush.

Her answer makes me feel like she had experienced both pain and regrets before. I want to relive her pain and regret. I want to learn how pain feels like. I want to feel her pain and compare them with mine.

Now my expectations seem so high that I want to listen every story from her. Isn’t it wrong to ask about her past?? Why Will I be prying on her private business? Will she get divert by my question?? What happen if she doesn’t talk with me after that??

I am afraid. I want to ask but it doesn’t matter now. It’s too late to ask because the past is not there anymore.

Me: You have a great answer. Really bold. Then what opinion do you have about expectations?

Her: Expectations always hurt people but still people have to keep up with them.

It is useless. I can see her emotions, pain and feelings in her words. The story of pain and betrayal. The same portrayal of my past. It doesn’t happen to me very often but thinking about those answers I just can’t stop thinking about her. I can see my reflection on her, I feel I can bond with her on a whole new level; the common ground of pain and betrayal. I may be wrong but I believe her past wasn’t perfect. But I am not in the position to ask about it. I am afraid I don’t want to lose her. I only have few friends to lose.

(Typing…….)

Is she upset with my nonsense questions?? I am behaving unusual today and have been making a lot of mistakes lately. Will my mistakes hurt her again??

Her: Can I sleep now? I am tired? You too sleep in time. Don’t miss your college tomorrow.

Me: Of Course. I will sleep in time. No worries. Good night. Take care.

Her: Good night. You too take care of yourself. Bye.

I don’t understand why I am waiting and suffering from these silent words that deny to be more than thoughts. It feels like these words are declaring war with me: her war or my own. I can’t achieve anything when all of this is going on. I will be a writer that portrays silences. My book will be full of blank pages, my story invisible to other’s eyes. No one can understand silence these days. No one writes silence these days. It’s been a month since I have been talking with her. From the first day I felt kind of silence inside her. Silence from her past. Yet I can’t ask about it. I may be over thinking. But I will ask her one day when the time is right. When she feels like talking about it.

What if I am interpreting things myself?? What if there’s nothing to worry about her past?? There’s always an answer on the other side and this time the other side is her. I know I am strong enough to listen about her past whether it’s good or bad. But right now, I have to assure her present is good by being with her. A new hope at the end. After all she is my new friend.

End

It took me more than a month to complete this small piece of writing. I know it’s not perfect but it’s my first try so it’s okay. I believe there’s always a room for improvement. Now I think I have a lot of time to make it perfect. Nobody becomes perfect in a day; it takes certain time, failure and lots of trying. I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to write about someone without knowing them properly. But it’s my thoughts and I think nobody can owe my thoughts. I know I lack everything on this writing; composition, plot and story. But I am happy because I think I broke the ice by writing something new, fresh and long for the first time. It’s just a start and I know I have a long way to go. I just conquer one of a writer’s block and I know I will end it one day. So, I am going to make a resolution today to make it work.

Starting from today, I am going to explore the things that I am unaware of. I have realized that there are countless problems that exist and it should be unraveled, told and understood. My pen stands for the truth therefore I am attempting to understand things and problem which I never understood before. That’s how I can write something that is meaningful, something that can make an impact, even change the world. Facing and understanding the problems can make me good writer and on deeper level a better human. So, my journey begins with ‘a curiosity’ and ‘a will to change’. My new resolution is to become who I want to become.