Wiggle room

“July rain is not going to have any mercy on you. Mrinal, aren’t you taking this umbrella?” I heard Papa from the entryway of our home. It seemed like I’d forgotten my umbrella again. I took the phone out of my pocket on the spur of the moment and short-pressed the side button. Yikes! It’d been 7:51 already. Just as I turned around to head back home, the bus arrived. Well, I couldn’t afford to miss it at any cost if I were to reach college on time, so I dashed toward it with all my might. As usual, the bus was jam-packed with passengers. I pushed my way through the throng and managed to hold onto a grab handle. “I’ve been accustomed to traveling like this, just as any other straphanger hence not a big deal” I mumbled. Perhaps it was an act to solace myself realizing I didn’t have any other option right then. I couldn’t stay calm without taking note of the time constantly. There was 8:03 appearing on the mobile screen as I reached the college gate. Then, like always, my sprint session started. I wouldn’t be surprised if people had given me the nickname ’Little Miss Running Express’ by this time.

As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together. So, there is no doubt that my friend circle comprises individuals who complement my idiosyncrasy and outlandishness. I’m not a tea lover but you can find me around those tea shops near our college most of the time. The only reason I end up there is my proclivity to be actively engaged in our gibberish & chitter-chatter giving it a sophisticated name of tea talk. Sometimes, I think it might be the only reason that motivates me every day to wake up and come here. Not to mention those random TikTok we make or those intense karaoke sessions we perform at break time. That day too, we were gathered together in a tea shop after completing our morning lectures and clinical posting. Ting! A notification surfaced on our mobile screens. When I opened it, I catch sight of those four magical words- “Class has been canceled”. Oh, a sigh of relief! And a great cheerfulness that it brings within.

I set my mind to returning home on foot. Yesterday’s rain had done wonders to fix the stifling weather of Chitwan during these summer days. There is no denying that I loathe waiting for a bus and traveling by it. On the contrary, I have this great fondness for walking and to be precise walking all alone. For good measure, I save Rs. 30 by covering the distance of an hour on my own each day. At the end of a week or two, I would collect enough money to treat myself to my favorite street food and buy those pretty earrings I’ve been eyeing in that Korean shop. As trivial as it sounds, lately those fake jewels have been my little parcels of joy and that spicy Panipoori has been able to add a little flavor to the humdrum of my life. Well, if I contemplate it then most of my school friends are graduated by now. Some of them are even married. And here I am, in my mid-20s leading my run-of-the-mill life dawdling from one day to another. I have indeed chosen this life for myself but this very idea of being clogged up in the same place forever is eating me alive. I don’t know what I’m doing in my life anymore.

I was preoccupied with my thoughts then suddenly it started raining. “For God’s sake! I haven’t got an umbrella today. I’m doomed now.” I babbled to myself. Then, I ran towards the closest shelter I could find to avoid getting wet. The rain was pelting down and my eyes fell on Dodo coming towards me all soaked in rain. Neither did I know his whereabouts nor his real name; but Dodo was the name that I had given to that fallow-colored dog with floppy ears. I could see him often while returning home from college and talking about our encounters, there is nothing much to tell than a long stare that we share from the distance and sometimes me offering him some biscuits. We are more than just strangers but whether you can call it a friendship, I’m not quite sure. Though I always love dogs and have great empathy for them in my heart but have never been able to get too close to them. Sometimes, I could see this yearning in his eyes but a kind of hesitation from my side makes him stay aside. That follows with the sharp guilt poking my heart for not being able to act as much as I care. That day, as I saw Dodo coming all drenched in rain, I couldn’t put myself back from touching his head and caressing his soft fur on the back. In no time, I found Dodo wrapped around my arms. I hadn’t realized before that holding him would feel my heart with an ineffable amount of contentment. Overwhelmed with emotions, I felt like crying.

Maybe it has nothing to do with the tedium of my life. A ripple of suspicion emerged within my head, becoming a shock wave of self-realization. Maybe the feeling of getting stuck in life is a corollary of my riveted mind. A failure of keeping enough leeway for myself to sense what happiness looks like in its truest form. My lack of ability to widen this wiggle room to let myself appreciate all the mundane things around me that could bring me joy. That day, rain poured & cleaned not only the dust of the surrounding; but the grimness in me as well. I always used to think that beauty could only be found in dynamicity, but I was wrong. Beauty is everywhere if only we allow ourselves to behold it. I have been so blind lately that I can’t spot what is right in front of me. How long has it been since I have looked up at the sky for a brief moment & cherished it? How often have I thanked the universe for being able to wake up every day and continue my chores? Rather than just complaining about what I don’t have how often have I been grateful for all the things that I already have? “Gratitude” is a word I’ve known for a long but maybe I’ve failed to learn.

As the downpour turned into a drizzle, I had this childish urge of soaking myself in rain. The perk of having a waterproof bag is that I didn’t need to worry about getting my notebooks wet. I couldn’t remember any such instances of willingly enjoying the rain other than sometimes in my early childhood days. As the drops of rain tickled my skin; a euphony of happiness ran down my blood. Instantaneously, another puerile thought crossed my mind; as I saw some Colocasia leaves at the side of the road. I plucked out the biggest one and held it like an umbrella while Dodo kept running beside me in amusement. I could notice some people giving me a death stare while others laughing at my frivolous act. But who cares as long as you feel like one of Studio Ghibli’s characters? I thought I enjoy Ghibli so much for the reason that it romanticizes every little thing in day-to-day life with such delicacy and warmth. Everything felt so sublime at that moment.

It has been more than a decade that I’ve been strolling through these roads but who had thought before that just watching people engrossed in their daily grind could fill you with such excitement? I don’t care if it is pareidolia or something else but I could see those countless faces seized within the girth of time through the warped window of that old house. There’s always a distinct beauty that every old and worn-out thing holds. Don’t you think? The rain stopped completely after a while & I could see a rainbow across the sky. Nothing can ever beat the divine artistry and elegance of mother nature. Everything appeared bright in front of me as I let my soul be filled with colors of grace and lights of joy. That jazz beat sung by Louis Armstrong back in the ’60s was constantly playing in my head and I thought to myself “What a wonderful world!”