Preface
For the sake of this article, I wish to explicitly specify that I am a mere undereducated simpleton from Yorkshire who has never before had dealings within the world of ‘breeding,’ animals or farming — but I would like to clarify, that I — sure as hell — am interested. Especially now, thanks to my amazing hard-working friends at Overlook Farm Kikos and my clients of excellence Zkylos.
Just to be clear — I also have a dry sense of British humor. So read at your own peril. One thing I warn you is that I don’t hold back and happen to be entitled to my opinion. It’s your own fault if you are offended (it’s not my intention!). Contains a language which we all speak. Thank you.
A Plea — Bring Forth The World Of Animals!
Although this sounds like tomfoolery, in reality, this is, in fact, an industry that seems to have been forgotten. The year is 2018 for crying out loud!
If you have ever had the pleasure of seeing the shenanigans that take place in the farming industry alone — watching all those people involved still struggling with paperwork and playing guessing/memory games for breeding, then you will realize: these people have no clue whatsoever about technology and therefore, are seriously lagging in that department.
If only someone could squish that gap from an old-school mentality to a digital and logical enterprise. They would all be laughing.
A certainty: Folk on farms work waaayyy harder than necessary.
Goat Life
It struck me as I spent six luxurious weeks on the side of a mountain in Georgia, Atlanta — in the developed country of the USA. (And despite what you say, it is developed, and these lovely people do have serious money alongside their funny accents.)
My friends have an incredible goat farm and kindly invited my children and me to visit, during their ‘kidding’ season.
In my mind, the idea was to go for a little holiday — mainly for my two-year-old to ‘see my friend’s baby goats,’ — what I got was way more than I had bargained for: A lesson in the world of farming, breeding and animals.
[It was almost like a very fitting gift from the universe — providing me this blissful opportunity to receive an insight to add to my knowledge for the latest Zkylos movement.]
The whole ordeal was very interesting to observe. Having never dealt with ‘semen straws’ in Nitrous Oxide tanks (kept in the garage next to a bright orange sexy Mustang) — not only did I get a taste of the rugged version of ‘life on the farm’ but also of the riches, it can bring.
Anyway.
Spring Is Here
Baby’s were born, one after the other. At the speed of, well, many. Here, there and everywhere! That’s right — they didn’t just have pregnant goats on their farm, they had does on ALL the farms.
The telephone kept ringing, and I kept hearing shrieks of joy or concerned instructions of how to get the ‘poor thing out’ . . . Alive.
One wonderment of all of this was the flimsy bit of paper they were holding as they were pacing around their beautiful Cherokee home.
It was literally, like something of a bingo card that they were crossing off! What bewildered me further was that it wasn’t even laminated — pretty crumpled actually and battered after a few days around my kids and sitting on kitchen worktops.
After inspecting the babies to:
1. To make sure they were ‘cleaned up good,’
2. To make sure the mothers were doing their job as best they could and ensuring that the babies were getting their milk — and if not — the pinnacles of having to try and bottle feed.
3. There was ear tagging, naming and an enormous influx of paperwork.
😲😒
(As if they didn’t have enough to do!)
So. At this point of bafflement, just when I thought life couldn’t possibly get any more wonderful and complicated — I realize, for every individual animal, there also needed to be a registry.
So I asked . . . How many?
😨🙈
(I shouldn’t have!)
What’s The Use?
Turns out that these guys rear animals solely to sell (or to breed again). And don’t get me wrong — they do a damn good job. Exceptional, in fact! I was in awe of the efforts, daily.
But what I am saying was there was:
- No butter, no milk,
- No meat (unless they are rejects).
So they need to be healthy and good looking (of course) to take to sales or shows.
Then I discover they need to file even MORE paperwork for these types of events.
I want to help . . .
Paperwork: WHAA??
Here I am sitting there while we have a pen and pad transcribing from memory (!!!) the names, weights, descendants (!!!) of every animal — oh yeah — AND the bloodline from which they came from . . .
Now this is where it gets complicated and too, where the (brief) disagreements develop (as you can imagine!)
However, they quickly settle on a “Flush doe out of 26/89 over a Rusty M2 granddaughter. Norma Jean is Lot #79 at the Elite Genetics Sale. She, as well as all our animals at the sale, have tested negative for CL, CAE, and Johnes” — (Whatever the fuck that means!)
Meanwhile, it might mean sweet FA to me, I assure you, it genuinely means something to someone who understands this terminology. And WOW, these guys are good at knowing their goats!
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Also, my friend was informing me of something else they were proud of — that the storage they have is for sale . . . The semen straws in the garage are worth a whopping $10,000 a piece. (Something else that amazes me more than most things — a goat that shoots gold into a straw.)
Great Expectations (And Limitations)
Aside from scribbling down random notes the old-fashioned way, my friends seem to have discovered the speed of my typing skills and somehow from seeing how fast I type they assume I am some sort of technical wizard.
Like I know all the ins and outs of Facebook Marketing and how to promote their farm, animals, and business? Oh, boy were they wrong.
They also wrongly assume that I can work a printer and scanner (yes, I am what today’s millennials would refer to as a ‘retard’ — and — I hate that word).
- Let’s get one thing straight. These guys are not the first people to assume this!
BUT I am a writer and a creative. I know stuff. But by God, I have no clue when it comes to technological shizzle. You can teach me, but I won’t learn it immediately — it would take at least a week for the simplest of things to sink in. I am just not wired that way.
The trouble was — I couldn’t scan all of their paperwork due to a lack of ‘companionship with machines’ and also because I had one baby hanging from a teet while the other toddler ran riot. And I know, I know — you might tell me to take a picture of it on my phone and faff about with it that way — but again, you are missing the point.
The Bottom Line
There is a far bigger picture here.
What I was witnessing was, in 2018, slightly ridiculous. We are in a time of Facebook, Twitter, Bitcoin and Hover Boards.
Why on Earth are these people meddling with such backward methodologies in this time and age? What the hell? Did the future just happen while these people remain stuck in some mad not-so-blissfully-unaware time warp? How did such an important aspect of agriculture get left behind while we all sped ahead with our smartphones and widgets?
Thank GOD (if, like my friends, you are religious) for Zkylos. Let’s hope Trump allows for something so beneficial to spread to this so-called developed country of his to liberate his best people.
Because it is time to change how we administer animal-related deeds.
Scribbled by Nicky Lawson, Zkylos Representative 23rd May 2018.
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If you are into animals, breeding, farming, watching Crufts, dog-walking or any of that stuff, then maybe you want to take note of the latest developments made by these humble guys. They just want to bring the pet industry up-to-date!
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