Family Meeting: Little Jimmy’s Shooting Spree

Ok everyone, I’ve called this family meeting to address the recent shooting incident in our home. As you know, two days ago Jimmy once again took one of daddy’s AR-15s out of the unlocked broom closet and shot some of his siblings to death. The carnage was not as bad as the Daylight Savings Massacre last fall, when you lost four of your brothers and sisters. But two is two too many, and Jackie and Doug will be missed.

Make no mistake: this was a terrible, horrible tragedy and your mother’s and my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you remaining children. No child in this house should have to live in fear that they might be violently gunned down by a sibling.

In the wake of this unforeseeable disaster, a couple of you have asked me if I might be open to locking up my guns. One of you even suggested I get rid of a few or even all of them. While I understand this is an emotional time for everyone, I would ask that we try to focus on solving the actual problem.

As I’ve explained many times, we need guns in this house. I need all 59 of my guns, including the 17 AR-15s, and I need them accessible and fully loaded at all times. We live in dangerous times and I can’t risk the safety of anyone in my house by not being prepared to meet an armed intruder with equal or superior fire power. The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a dad guy with a gun. (Or mom! This is an equal rights family!)

That means the guns will remain where they are: in all the closets, in the minivan, under the living room couch and in all the bathrooms in the house, including nana’s. This policy will not change. Too much is at stake (your lives!) and your mother and I love you all too much. But as I barely need to remind, you kids are not permitted to touch or use the guns in the house without permission. That’s a firm rule and it’s for your own safety.

So the guns stay. But that doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t make changes after what happened on Tuesday night during “Wheel of Fortune.” Little Jimmy is a bright child but as we all know, he has some…challenges. He curses a lot and kicks the cat more often than I’m comfortable with. His occasional snacking on the couch stuffing has also been concerning to your mother and me for some time.

This isn’t easy for me to say, but I think it’s time we accept that Jimmy is struggling with mental illness. We need to focus on getting him the help and support he needs to prevent another tragedy. Blaming my guns for his actions is not going to help him. You guys all know his issues and you see them more than me and mom. It’s your responsibility to tell us when he’s being bad and erratic, again and again!

Yes, Lisa, I see you and I know you go to Swarthmore and I know you are a Political Sociology major and no you may not speak. I know what you’re going to say anyway. You’re going to remind us that our neighbors, the Llewellyns, had a similar incident with their son Dirk five Christmases ago — two dead and the family parrot, Lady Gaga, as well. You are going to point out that Frank Llewellyn banned guns in the house after that and they haven’t had even a single shooting incident since then.

Well, this family is not the Llewellyn family. For one thing, they are a much smaller family. For another, Frank doesn’t hunt. But most importantly, they live across the cul de sac, for crying out loud, and everyone knows the other side of Turning Elk Place is a very different world! What works over there won’t work over here.

Anyway, mom and I are addressing the problem. Jimmy is having a well-deserved time out in his room right now. He’ll go without his Nintendo Switch for at least three more days. Next week, your mother and I are going to sit down with a social worker friend of ours and we’re going to have a real conversation and ask the hard question: “How do we make sure Jimmy doesn’t touch my guns?”

We can’t guarantee of course we’ll come up with the answer that solves the problem, but we know for sure this is the only way to solve it.

Ok, thanks for listening. Family meeting adjourned. Remember, Dinner is a 6pm and then meet in the den at 7p for Big Bang Theory! Lorrie it’s your turn in the Laz-y-boy since Brad obviously isn’t here any more.

See you at dinner!