Worth more dead than alive: 31/100

Trigger warning: If you are prone to tigger on self-harm, suicide, etc, please don’t read this. Please don’t comment. Please don’t attempt to diagnose me. I have made my peace with the American medical system and legacy is more important to me now than the length of my life. I’m not gonna off myself, but to deny that I don’t have these conversations in my head that are only made possible in a country that has consciously and deliberately chosen capitalism over the value of human life would be irresponsible to the story. These are the ugly bits behind that decision made by our “leaders.” They need to know.

28 August, 2016 | Index

Dear Hillary Clinton,

Gerard Mclean here, from Englewood, Ohio, just north of Dayton. There were 100 days from your nomination to election, so I’m writing you 100 letters. This is the thirty-first letter. The others can be found in your USPS mailbox or online at 100HRC.com

This is a typical internal conversation I have in my head almost every day. It starts with a question:

“Am I worth more dead than alive?

In the assets column, I have a term life insurance policy that is worth a bit but terms out in four years, a modest home in Ohio that is ten mortgage payments short of being paid off but is probably unsellable due to a low supply of young homebuyers with money and a willingness to live in the suburbs, a 401(k) that was started late and a software company that essentially requires I work it to produce revenue.

In the liabilities column, I was diagnosed with XXXX in 2013 so travel is difficult as is anything requiring fine motor skills, I can’t stand for more than a few minutes and any physical job is now out of the question. I am also in the wrong part of the country to secure any creative job such as writing or media production — two things I am exceptional at.

My health insurance costs twice as much as my mortgage. I can expect a 29% increase in my premiums in January and any care I seek to alleviate the pain caused by XXXX will absolutely, guaranteed hit the max OOP as a single XXXXXX cost $11,000.00

If I die today, my family will be ok. If I die in a year or two, my family will almost certainly have financial hardship I caused by selfishly staying alive.

We need UniversalCare, SinglePayer, MedicareForAll. The message America is now sending her older, but not yet able to retire citizens, is not a healthy one.


Gerard McLean
cc: Sen. Sherrod Brown