What’s the Opposite of Click-Bait?

The Answer May Repel You

A scene from my favorite episode of The Simpsons. Source: Giphy.

I wrote a post on Sunday that I really didn’t want anyone to read. My brain was devoid of thoughts, other than wanting to watch the newest episode of Billions. My vocabulary had regressed to a Kindergarten level. After I forgot the word for “mountain,” I just wanted to go to bed and start again on Monday.

There was one problem: I made a commitment to write 100 words every day for 100 days. With just 100 words standing between me and sleep, I pushed forward.

When I finally squeezed out what could loosely be described as a post (more like stream of consciousness), I really didn’t want anyone to read it.

Like, really.

I needed to warn people about what awaited them if they clicked.

So, I titled my post, “You Really Shouldn’t Read This,” and gave it the subtitle: “Seriously. Save Yourself.”

I went to bed, hoping that my warning was sufficient, and that I’d wake up with zero views.

And then, a funny thing happened.

Everyone read my post. Everyone!*

*N of 16. Screenshot taken this morning.

Inspired by a conversation I had this morning, I realized there was something about the title — “You Really Shouldn’t Read This” — that made it irresistible. Something that made people click, despite my warnings.

We talk a lot about click-bait, but what we don’t talk about is click-repellent.

That got me thinking. What could I do next time I wrote something truly awful that I didn’t want people to read?

I didn’t know, so I challenged myself. I came up with a list of 21 headlines that no one would ever want to click on, and I’m sharing them below.

The Definitive List of Click-Repellent Headlines

Write something sh*tty? Want zero views? Pick a headline from this list!

1. How I Gained 2 Pounds over the Long Weekend
2. My Morning Commute: A Minute-by-Minute Recap
3. Top 10 Takeaways from Books I Never Finished Because I Got Bored
4. Terms of Service Agreements, Ranked
5. I Lasted One Day on a Cleanse: Here’s What I Learned
6. Outfits I Thought About Wearing to Coachella, but Didn’t
7. Software Update Notes: What’s Different Between iOS 10.3.0 and iOS 10.3.1
8. Decoding Last Month’s Dreams (Yes, My Teeth Fell out Again)
9. My Husband and I Spent 2 Hours Deciding What to Watch on Netflix Last Weekend but Ended up Watching Nothing and Going to Bed: A Post-Mortem
10. Oh No, I Lost the Foam Thing at the End of My Earbud Again
11. I Spent 2 Hours on the Phone with Comcast Today. Here’s How the Conversation Went
12. I Delayed Updating My Phone to iOS 10.3.1 for a Week: 5 Things I Learned About Risk-Taking
13. The Definitive Guide to Deciding Whether to Post on Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, or Facebook Messenger Stories
14. I Lost 3 Socks in the Laundry, and Other Mysteries of the Universe
15. A Step by Step Recap of the Time I Accidentally “Liked” a Picture of My Ex and His New Girlfriend
16. My Twitch Is Back: A Story About Irregular Blinking
17. I Know I’ve Told You About My Juice Cleanse Before, but Let Me Tell You Again
18. Remember That Time I Forgot What I Was Saying and Never Remembered Again? Neither Do I.
19. I Can’t Log in — Is it My User Name or My Password? Let’s Figure it out Together.
20. I Set up 2-Step Authentication, and Now It’s Too Annoying
21. Valencia or Mayfair: The Definitive Guide to Choosing Between Two Instagram Filters When You Really Can’t Tell the Difference

These are the most boring and unenticing headlines that came to mind. Can you do better? Show me in the comments!

I hope this list was…repellent. Source: CBS.com

Post 9/100 of my 100 day writing challenge for 100 Naked Words.