Are We Really Listening to Our Kids?
How a Generational Gap Inspired Me to Be More Present
I’ve noticed that when my children spend time with their grandparents, they tend to be quite relaxed and content. Yes, part of this is due to the massive amounts of spoilage they receive in the form of treats, toys, and late-night movies with extra popcorn. And yes, grandparents are older, wiser, and take solace in the fact that they can return these lovely little people to their parents at any time. But there’s something else going on as well.
There are some rather interesting generational differences in the way grandparents tend to interact with their grandchildren. First off, our parents are from a less guilt-ridden, over-scheduled, tech-infused era. They tend not to multi-task or get distracted by their devices while someone else is speaking. Often removed from the busy day-to-day, grandparents can also afford to listen intently to a child without distraction or judgment. They hover and delegate less, allowing children more breathing room to play, experiment and talk.
As a result, I have observed my children regale their grandparents with all sorts of interesting stories about themselves — tales of triumph on the sports field, dramatic episodes among friends at school, or simply funny little things that happened on the way to their home. My children are often encouraged to join in whatever their grandparents are doing that particular day — cooking, walking, even playing a game — so that they can learn together. It is an altogether inspiring and special dynamic.
As parents, we often take our household relationships for granted. According to this piece from The New York Times, the closer we feel to those around us, the less likely we are to listen carefully to what they have to say. We think we’ve heard it all before and often interrupt or brush off our family members.
We also fall victim to the daily routine, ending up in highly reductive, one-way conversations aimed “at” children. In my own experience, time is of the essence from early morning through to bedtime. Everything is focused on the optimisation of meals, activities, work, and homework. I often feel more like an army general than a mother or a confidante. The banal language and stressed environment that materialise as a result are certainly not conducive to listening on either side.
I’ve thus tried to take a page from the grandparent playbook to improve the listening and communication in our household. Tuning in with no devices around, often down on my child’s level (the play table or the floor) can make a massive difference. I’ve also tried to slow down and mute my reactions until my children are finished recounting an emotional episode. I never know what twists and turns a story may take, but I can take a deep breath before I respond in a way that may discourage my child from approaching me again.
I’ve learned to embrace moments of silence. I’ve become more comfortable leaving long pauses after saying things to my children since rapid-fire commands and questions tend to lead nowhere anyway. Even short journeys in the car that begin in silence can end up producing excellent family discussions if I give my children the chance to speak up in their own time.
Within bigger families, it’s easier for older and stronger personalities to dominate smaller ones, so it’s crucial to spend some one-on-one time with each child. I have found that bonding with each child through his or her favourite activity is a great way to learn more about how they think and feel.
It’s a complicated time to be a parent. Boundless interactions are occurring simultaneously across both the physical and the virtual world. But the most rewarding encounters we can have are with the curious young minds in our own homes who are absorbing everything around them at a ferocious pace. If we slow down and put away our devices, truly lending our ears and hearts, we might learn something as well.
